Category Archives: Inner Struggles

No Compromise

2
Posted by on in collaborating, Community, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

September 23, 2024, Manila- There was not much on my plate today, except to recount to a couple of friends, as to my visit in Baguio. I also “planted” the second rose quartz heart in a Philippine locale: The front garden plot of the Regional Baha’i Center, in Manila’s Santa Ana neighbourhood. The first was “planted” on Saturday, in the front garden of Rosevilla Transient Guest House. Others will be interred on Palawan and in places I will visit, in the remaining four weeks of my present sojourn here.

I have met several men who have come from afar, and married Filipina women. Some have known their mates for several years. Others came on a wing and a prayer, and found the one they sought. I wish them all many years of happiness.

I did not come here, last year, with the intent of finding a special person. I had twenty-nine years of love from Penny, and her spirit still guides me-and so I was guided to a shimmering, radiant soul, when I least expected. As to the outcome, it’s been a lovely year of long-distance communication and an equally lovely set of in-person meet-ups, so far. We will see where this goes, but I am in a joyful state right now.

One thing is clear, though: I do not view Kathy, or any woman for that matter, as an idea, a trinket, a plaything or a pastime. Penny was for real; so is K. I am a head or so taller than she, but we are eyeball to eyeball, and her thoughts, dreams and life plan are as important to me as anything in my life.

There are those who will read this and tell me-“I remember when……” Of course you do, and so do I, sometimes to my chagrin. Those friendships, or reasonable facsimiles thereof, each imparted a lesson for me-and probably for the women involved as well. I have seen those of them who have remained my friends go on and meet good men, or continue along an intentional life of single person hood.

I have long since reached the point of no compromise with the lower nature. As my bond with K evolves, and in whatever direction it goes, I will follow the path of honour. My marriage to Penny taught me the way and all else that follows is in that vein.

Metro Manila, Day 7: The Envelope Girl

2
Posted by on in collaborating, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal goals, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

September 17, 2024, Manila- The little girl clutched her assigned supply of envelopes and note cards with one hand and held onto my arm with the other. She desperately wanted to get some pocket change, which I could have spared-but for the fact that a boy appeared, also carrying envelopes and note cards-and it is pretty much guaranteed that ten more “vendors”, along with a few pickpockets, would have surfaced, in short order. I walked along, with a platonic friend who is like a sister to me, and the little angel still clinging to my arm. No one got anything from me, and after I said “Palaam” (goodbye), at the corner, the pair hung back, looking surprised, but resigned.

Many of us, in the course of our lives, are like the Envelope Girl and her partner in grift. We hope for something from another person-whether it is commerce, approval, friendship or even some level of romance. Sometimes-oftentimes, we can get what we want. On other occasions, the answer is “No”, or “Maybe, just not right now”.

I have been both seeker and sought, plenty of times. Growing up, I was a well-liked, but never loved, adolescent-a permanent resident of what is nowadays called “The Friend Zone”.

There is no Friend “Zone”. There are only friends, those towards whom one feels fondly, with whom one is glad to share good times, thoughts and experiences. There are levels of friendship, from “acquaintance” (whatever that is) to a marital bond-and many levels in between. I can’t, however, recall any person in my life who has been consigned to a limited, stifling place in my world. There have been false friends, whose design was either transactional (like the street urchins above) or vengeful(their whole shtick being to teach me a lesson). Those have been let go, blocked/deleted. There have been those who have been physically attracted to me, but the converse has not been true-and we have managed to build solid, platonic/fraternal bonds. The same is true of many to whom I have been drawn-and the converse has also been true.

At the top of the scale, there are two: Penny, my departed wife, and a person to whom I have made several references, of late. Penny was, when we first met, immediately in full-on attraction mode, (as was I, to her). That settled into a period of retraction, during which she had space to deal with residual feelings towards former beaux, a dalliance with a more dashing suitor and sorting out all manner of conflict between making a commitment and having “freedom”. My feelings never went away, but I stayed in the background, as long as she needed me to. After 18 months, we were married, had a solid, if sometimes stormy, wedlock and I was by her side through it all-including thirteen years of physical and cognitive decline, as I have described in earlier posts.

I met K last year, and had the same immediate attraction. Time will tell, if the friendship will approach the level that Penny and I reached. There are many variables, and all I can say is that my feelings aren’t going away, even as my person gives her the space that I gave Penny. A beloved soul deserves no less. Our lives will continue, will remain full and our goals-both mutual and separate-will be achieved. No two people, no matter how drawn to one another, can possibly meld into a unit where one is indistinguishable from the other. “Between them is a barrier that they overpass not.”-Baha’u’llah.

It has been a wonderful ride, to this point. I’m here, if she needs me.

Metro Manila, Day 6: Transcending Limits

4
Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Travel

September 16, 2024- “Every exit is an entrance to someplace else”-Sign in the Rooftop Restaurant, at Ola! Hostel. I am nearing the end of the first Manila phase of my visit here. It’s just as well. My friend needs to get on with her day job, and I have promises to fulfill, in the outlying areas. After hopefully helping one of the other Manila friends with filing a claim, tomorrow, I will try to get to Corregidor on Wednesday and head for Baguio, in central Luzon, from Thursday to Sunday. The first few days of next week are uncertain, especially given my dearest friend’s work schedule, but I will head to Palawan, for five days, on Sept. 26. Visits to Mindoro and the Bicol region may follow, as October gets underway.

Every trial, every effort one makes, comes with a valuable lesson. Those lessons are what allow for transcendence. One such lesson was with respect to the One SIM card I tried using. It cannot receive text messages from the United States, so it ended up being useless and I have gone back to my regular number. The other thing about trials is that they call me out on whether I mean what I say. I do, but there is always a need to prove that to those who are important to me, but don’t know me all that well.

A long day has come to a close. My intuition, with regard to K, is ever spot on and I will continue to be her rock. The woman has so much to offer this world. That’s all I can say.

Metro Manila, Day 2: The World at 1 Ayala Place

4
Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, Entertainment, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Travel

September 12, 2024, Manila- It seemed to take forever, for one reason or another, mostly due to traffic, but another friend and I made it to The World on a Plate, a pop-up dining experience, in Ayala Mall. My friend, K, was already there, as she lives closer, so we chatted about a few things and perused the menu. It was about 50 pages, on a Tablet, but I saw what interested me, right away: Thai red curry with beef and jasmine rice, as well as a two-piece salmon and cheese roll. Along with fresh mango juice, that filled the bill. The ladies stuck with fried chicken-Korean and Thai varieties. We watched a rapid-fire set of images, from different countries. I was able to identify all but one or two.

Question of the evening was: “Why is Golden Gate Bridge red?” The answer is that San Francisco Bay was the gateway to gold seeking. Red is simply easy for ships coming in to see the suspension bridge.

Afterwards, we strolled around the patio of Ayala Place and spotted the different restaurants which contributed to The World on a Plate. In the early evening, my friends stood happily in the bright light.

There is an elegant mix of subtleties in Filipino culture, as there is many societies around the world. Being here is good for my soul, as I am being shown again that keen awareness of what surrounds us is ever important, if one is to live life to the fullest. It starts, as I reminded the caretaker of the Baha’i Center, earlier today,with being at peace with self. From that point, one can then be truly valuable to those with whom one is in regular contact.

A Short and Important Day

0
Posted by on in collaborating, Community, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal goals, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Technical stuff, Travel

September 10, 2024, Hong Kong– What’s today’s date? That was not a “senior moment” question for me. Rather, it was one that was brought into my consciousness by the International Date Line. Longitude is our arbitrary tool for measuring time on Earth, as it helps track the “westward movement” of the Sun. So, we left Los Angeles at 1:15 a.m., PDT and crossed into September 11, a scant five hours into the day. Thus today “lasted” only until 6 a.m., PDT, or 3 a.m., Hawaii Standard Time.

One of my favourite ladies messaged me, with some ideas about at least the first few days of my visit across the waters. My first favourite lady would have turned 96 today. Both took up a goodly amount of my thought and heart energy today. The first favourite was fond of the second, though they never met. Mom just liked what she knew of K’s heart. For that matter, another favourite lady, my late wife, has sent only positive inklings about my newest friendship.

I handled the long flight (13 hours) by getting up and stretching, especially when the knees felt stiff after sitting for a stretch. Five hours of sleep at a time also kept me functional, when the short learning curve of navigating Hong Kong International Airport’s transfer system presented itself. It’s actually not that hard: Just go through security inspection again..This is a great crossroad of the world, and a city that is worthy of a visit, in and of itself-at a later date.

This has been one of the rare occasions when I have become closer to people from mainland China, and it was a pleasant revelation. Chinese people take care of themselves first, by and large, but are not ruthless or crass about it. They are not always intuitive, but I am not sure I would be either, if there were 1.1 billion compatriots underfoot.

Cathay Pacific Airlines has efficient counter and flight staff. The food is varied, and fresh-and in just the right portion size, for a sizable crowd that is mostly sitting for 13 hours. It was not a hard flight; at least not for me.

So a lot was packed into this short day-as it ever will be, as long as I have all my facuties.

The Hurt of One

2
Posted by on in children, collaborating, Community, Inner Struggles, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

September 6, 2024- There are few details about how the young man ended up in hospital, other than “he was assaulted”. I remember him as a small boy of 8, the youngest of four children. The family, all three generations, is exemplary, and have only done good to their communities.

I am incensed by today’s news, yet am limited to prayer and a small contribution to help offset the cost of his care. His family is large and united, and so is their community. The young man has a lot of group energy going into his recovery. That is more than many have going for them, yet there is irony here. His father has worked, tirelessly, for thirty years to foster healing in communities across the country. Now, in this time of close to home, those of us who love and cherish what the family has represented will stand by them, in the best way each of us can.

The hurt of one shakes the world of all. It goes without saying-cherish those closest to you. Life and safety are never guaranteed.

Staying Centered

2
Posted by on in collaborating, Community, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Travel

August 31, 2024- After running into a couple of Prescott’s elite, this evening, and being greeted with a nod and a sneer, I used Next Door.com to speak to those who would promote Progressive values, many of which are laudable. The progressive elite in this community tend to speak from their heads, not their hearts. After absorbing this, and “sucking it up”, for thirteen years, I finally had enough and let them know. Anyone who wants to foster the community has to first love the people. Having intellectual knowledge of what would be useful does nothing to help, unless the heart is in sync. We have seen the effects of a purely intellectual approach to social discourse and common issues, time and again: Soviet Communism, Kampuchea (Cambodia), North Korea, Cuba, Nicaragua and Venezuela-none a bit better than Hitler’s Germany, apartheid-era South Africa, or the enslavement culture of the Antebellum United States, in my book. The heart and head have to be in synchronicity, or the best ideas will die on the vine.

I will shortly be headed to the Philippines, and will spend 5-7 weeks in heart-focused work, all the while keeping a clear head. Some days, I will be in modern accommodations; other days, in small huts, or maybe sometimes in a lean-to. At all times, though, my heart is looking to my mind for direction-and vice versa. In a time of rapid change,which will only accelerate in the final months of this year, such centeredness is the only guarantee of real sanity. One of my well-wishers here in Prescott told me, this afternoon, that there is nothing I have done, in the past three or four years, that is “ordinary or uninteresting”. That may be an overstatement, but it is comforting. It also underscores my need for staying centered.

So does a long month come to an end, and my preparation for a time of lightning-fast change begin. May all be in harmony.

Whose Mess?

2
Posted by on in Assistance, Community, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

August 26, 2024- A clumsy man tipped over a full rubbish barrel and lots of stuff came tumbling out. He uttered a mild oath, then stepped aside, and watched as several volunteers cleaned up the spilled items. Appeals from a church elder, for him to pitch in and help, were spaced out and he went outside. Such is dealing with the mentally ill.

I was raised to clean up after myself; most people, I suspect, were, as well. That some will be unable to comprehend that simple social grace is a feature of a society in which “bubbles” are celebrated and “you do you” is seen by many as a virtuous mindset. Avoidance of responsibility is seen as a necessity, a means to guarantee survival “to fight another day”.


Today marked the third anniversary of the explosion at Abbey Gate, at Kabul Airport, resulting in the deaths of thirteen U.S. service people. There was a wreath laying, at Arlington National Cemetery and there was a taking of ownership for the tragedy-two acknowledgements of the pain inflicted on thirteen families, by two radically divergent public figures.

I have a history of assuming responsibility for the messes I’ve either made, or appear to have made-lapses of taking responsibility in my teen years, and in the 2000s, aside. Nobody’s perfect. In the long run, I have had to account for those lapses, too-just as any public servant has to do what the sitting Vice President did today, eventually.

In a world of dodgers, one who does take responsibility for gaffes and tragedies is going to be excoriated, often by the same people who themselves bend into pretzel shapes, in avoiding flack for their misdeeds. It doesn’t make the error in judgement any less severe, but it does detract from the healing process, for those directly hurt and for the public at large.

Healing requires taking responsibility, letting out of pain and reconciliation. It doesn’t allow for hiding and dodging. My earnest respect goes to those who died at Abbey Gate.

Even Flow

4
Posted by on in collaborating, Community, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal goals, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

August 24, 2024- Friend catalogued this past year in his life, as today was his birthday. He spoke of his life having run the gamut of emotions, experiences, trials and tribulations, successes and affirmations. He spoke of how fear was what kept him down and led him down a path of paranoia, isolation and self-defeat. On the darkest of those days, strange things happened in the afternoon: He got a job offer, was accepted into a Masters Program and met a woman who has proven to be a near perfect match. The young man I saw this evening is the polar opposite of the individual I have encountered on this day, for the past three years.

It is breathtaking, what faith in the Divine, and a decision to not focus on what one doesn’t want from life,but rather determine what is wanted, can bring into being. I have been through every one of the ups and downs that my young friend catalogued this evening. Only focusing on what I want, rather than obsessing over avoiding the opposite, has turned things around, to where life is joyful. It is never perfect, but this life is not meant for perfection; that will come in another realm.

Several years ago, the band Pearl Jam performed a song entitled “Even Flow”, about the plight of the homeless. In reading the lyrics, I can attest to the subject of the song as having much in common with a lot of us. Any vision of quality of life that depends on the good graces of everyone else is putting the cart in front of the horse, with all the confusion and frustration that implies.

Realizing that one is a soul who is worthy of respect, of good things and of the love of others is the first step in personal renaissance. The rest is day by day actions, great and small. I look forward to watching, as my young friend builds the life he so wants. I also look forward to what life has in store for me, over the next several years. Water goes around obstacles; the flow remains even.

[Verse 1]
Freezin’
Rests his head on a pillow made of concrete, again
Oh, feelin’
Maybe he’ll see a little better set of days, ooh, yeah
Oh, hand out
Faces that he sees time again ain’t that familiar, ooh, yeah
Oh, dark grin
He can’t help, when he’s happy he looks insane, hm, yeah

[Chorus]
Even flow, thoughts arrive like butterflies
Oh, he don’t know, so he chases them away (ooh)
Oh, someday yet, he’ll begin his life again
Life again, life again

[Verse 2]
Kneelin’
Lookin’ through the paper, though he doesn’t know to read, ooh, yeah
Oh, prayin’
Now to something that has never showed him anything
Oh, feelin’
Understands the weather of the winter’s on its way
Oh, ceilings
Few and far between all the legal halls of shame, hey

[Chorus]
Even flow, thoughts arrive like butterflies
Oh, he don’t know, so he chases them away
Oh, someday yet, he’ll begin his life again
Ah, whisperin’ hands gently lead him away
Him away, him away

Be A Tiger

4
Posted by on in collaborating, Community, Fiction, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

August 16, 2024- Joseph Campbell, in his 2003 book, Myths of Light, ends his discourse on Eastern religions and thought with the story of “The Tigers and the Goats”. It seems that a pregnant tiger was out seeking food, for herself and her baby. She came upon a herd of goats. Charging and pouncing too hard, she landed roughly, laboured and gave birth, then died.

The goats took pity upon the helpless tiger cub, raised him as one of their own, teaching him to eat grass and bleat. He had no idea there was any difference between him and the goats, though he felt a discomfort. One day, a male tiger came along and charged at the goats, roaring and snarling. The genuine goats scattered, while the tiger-goat stood facing his larger nemesis.

The wise older cat listened, as the tiger-goat explained that he was a grass-eater, a goat. The grown tiger took the juvenile by the neck, led him to a pond and showed him his true likeness. Then he brought his new apprentice to his den, where other tigers were reveling in eating a gazelle they had killed. The young tiger struggled with the meat, but something inside him felt right, and he stayed with the group, learning to seize his true nature.

Each of us should be our true selves. A frugal person, who treasures conserving the best of tradition, cannot pass as a spendthrift or as a free-spirited innovator, without feeling that something is off. Likewise, an innovator, a progressive, fools no one by demanding that tradition be maintained, at all costs. Each can, and hopefully will endeavour to, see the value in what the other is doing, and work to find common ground.

The introvert needs time alone. The extrovert craves company and an expanded network. Most others, like myself, toggle between the two states of being, as ambiverts. Society needs all three personality types.

This is the balance, rooted in the love that was imbued in us by the Divine. We will ever have the process of reaching out, expanding and welcoming more to our circle, then taking time to consolidate and absorb the best of that expansion into our systems.

If you are a tiger, be fierce. If you are an ox, be taurine. If you are a goat, graze peacefully. There is space for all.