The Sixties

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This is the second in my word portraits:

Brother Glenn

Losing Grama

Brother Brian

Saugus Junior High School

The death of Marilyn Monroe

Boy Scouts

British pop music

The school arsonist of 1963

Motown

My handwritten newsletter

Delivering newspapers

The deaths of John F. Kennedy, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy

The Blackout of 1965

Saugus High School

Girls

Star Market

 

Fireplace Ten

Mount Chocorua

 

Martha’s Vineyard, 1966

Salem Willows

 

Pleasure Island

UMass at Boston

Butch, Phil, the Blue Line-

and Katie, sweet Katie

 

Basic Training, Fort Jackson

Apollo I

 

Myrtle Beach

Fort Benjamin Harrison

 

Fort Myer, VA

The scourge of alcohol

Autism

 

Love and Faith

6

I spent this past weekend attending three day sessions, and one evening, of Grand Canyon Baha’i Conference, which has been held every December since 1984, in Phoenix.  This is the first year I have not stayed in the city, opting instead to drive back and forth from my home in Prescott, 1 1/4 hours away.  I had a tamale order coming on Saturday. and Sunday night, I just felt it financially prudent to not spend money on lodging.

The theme of the Conference this year was “Arise To Serve Humanity”.  When I think of it, this is what I prefer to be doing most of the time, anyway.  As an eldest child, it was expected of me, from the day my sister was born and that ethic has served me rather well, by making my life path very certain.

I spent Saturday listening to the actor Rainn Wilson and Justin Baldoni present their thoughts on how we may serve as mentors to the rising generations of youth, both younger Millennials and those born since 2000, whom I regard as “Generation AA”- a tribute to their focused energy.  Like youth from time immemorial, our current children and teens are very much focused on genuineness.  A few examples were given, in the presentations, of those adults whose “walk” is at clear variance with their “talk”.  I’ve never been able to successfully do other than what I say, or vice versa, so, being a very bad liar, I feel most comfortable with like-behaved people, whether young, old, or in-between.  Being with kids is thus, natural for yours truly.

Sunday, Ms. Leila Milani spoke of developing a culture of service.  It is largely dependent on being not associated with the accumulation of anything- goods, money or reputation- at the expense of others.  She also spoke of the three Stations in the world of existence- God, the Manifestations of God (Who can speak with the Voice of the Creator, as Christ did, and as Baha’u’llah did) and the Station of Servitude- exemplified, perfectly, by John the Baptist, and by ‘Abdu’l-Baha and, to a lesser but still significant degree by many throughout history- Saint Francis of Assisi, Florence Nightingale, Mohandas Gandhi, Albert Schweitzer, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, et al.)  Several modes of service were mentioned:  Spiritual teaching, learning useful skills, education of children, financial support of worthy causes, hospitality, founding a loving home, serving one’s parents and working in development projects.

Roberto Nathaf then offered the intriguing notion that, as physical Man seeks to travel to distant stars, perhaps even by circumventing the speed of light, so spiritual Man ought seek to develop the Light of the Spirit to the nth degree.  By serving others, one becomes truly regal.

On Monday morning, Dr. Jim Reed, a Christian educator, offered the notion that, by undergoing difficulties, one may use  these tests to inform and assist others.  It is interesting that the case of a breast cancer survivor, Kristen Magner, who has taken to inspiring others through post-cancer involvement in interpretive dance.  Sandra Paredes, a mother who lost her son in an accident, three years ago, has spent this holiday season giving gifts to children in hospital.  Dr. Reed spoke of the Human Library, comprised of those who have suffered, a major force that brings people forward in their individual and collective lives.  He said “Suffering and trial are not punishment.  They are preparation for a life of service.”  Indeed, they are.

Now, what are we to make of the continuing occurrences of destruction- both natural and human-caused?  With Mr. Saeed Khadivian, an educator from Los Angeles,I offer this notion:  There are two forces at work- today and throughout history- Destruction of old systems and Construction of a new system.  In this day, however, the Kingdom of God on Earth, promised by Christ, in the Lord’s Prayer, is what is stirring, what is slowly and almost imperceptibly, being brought into being.  It is this Promised Day that is the true Fruit of all the acts of service that are occurring.  This fact is lost in all the attention being paid to acts of destruction, catastrophes, personality aberrations and political rancor.

A friend asked me, a few days ago, why everyone knows about the words of Christ, and many know of Buddha, Joseph Smith and Mohammed, but not much is heard of Baha’u’llah.  I felt ashamed at that.  The first thing everyone, regardless of faith or creed, should know about Him is that His name, in Arabic, means “The Glory of God”.  From there, a person may learn as much about Baha’u’llah, and His Teachings, as he or she cares to learn.  The other thing I wish to share here, though, is this:  Beginning with the 1844-50 Ministry of Baha’u’llah’s Herald, al Bab (Who is to Baha’u’llah as John the Baptist was to Christ), the groundwork for the Kingdom of God on Earth is being laid.  Baha’u’llah, during His Ministry (1863-1892), revealed over 100 volumes of Scriptural Guidance. His eldest son, and designated Successor, ‘Abdu’l-Baha and His great-grandson, Shoghi Effendi, expounded and further clarified Baha’u’llah’s Teachings, until their own passings, 1921 and 1957, respectively.   Baha’i literature is available for study at http://reference.bahai.org/en/.

I was asked today, in an online exchange, what I thought the difference was between loving, as opposed to “feeling bad” about someone’s pain.  I cannot feign love, so  feeling good about someone’s success or good fortune is as natural as feeling badly about his/her misfortunes.  Love is, in the true sense, both the basis for, and the outcome of, faith.   In fact, love is pretty old, in the scheme of things, as Baha’u’llah, speaking with the Voice of God tells us: O SON OF MAN! Veiled in My immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of My essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image and revealed to thee My beauty.

I wish all a joyous and very Merry Christmas and a happy, prosperous 2014.

The 1950’s

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I want to try a word portrait, for each of my decades, prior to 2010- and for each year since.  Let’s see how this works.

November 28                               Gooch Street                   Blessed Sacrament Church       Central Street                         Grama’s

Kickball                                                                                    Girls                                                                                                                          Charlie & Flo’s

Miss Nugent                                                                                                                                                                                                       Sister Cheryl

The Waldrons                                                                    Books                                                                                                                            Nana & Grampy

The Connollys                                                                                                                                                                              the hairbrush

Eddie & Allan                                                     Records                                                                                                Adams Avenue

Father McGrath                                                                                                                                                         The Harlem Nutcracker

Miss Lavin  & the bell                                                                                                                                          Conrad’s Farm

The rodeo

Blueberry Hill ( the promontory and the song)

Brother David                                                                                         Tom and Yvonne’s candy dish

Janus, 2013

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I had a fine day today, November 28, 2013.  Along with my son, I hiked a segment of trail in the Cuyamaca section of Anza-Borrego State Park, in the Laguna Mountains, northeast of San Diego.  Afterwards, we enjoyed a simple, but well-crafted meal at Julian Cafe, in the town of Julian, where my late wife worked for a year, just prior to our wedding.  It’s always a pleasure to visit Julian, and it was a way to include Penny’s spirit in our observance of my 63rd birthday.  Growing up, my parents were always glad that I enjoyed turkey, as there were several times that my birthday fell on T-day.  Today was the latest of those.  Finally, Aram and I went to a showing of “The Hunger Games:  Catching Fire”.  It hit the spot, and all its targets, for sure.  I liked this episode better than the first, and will be glad to see the next two installments.

Now, to revisit the reasons I am grateful, this Thanksgiving.  I was able to successfully divest of a house in Phoenix, thanks to Matt Deuitch,  I resolved several dental issues, thanks to Kamran Ruintan and his team.  I enjoyed an earlier visit to San Diego, as well as this present one, thanks to my son, Aram, and his naval command.  I had lovely visits across several states, beginning at the home of my Colorado in-laws, David and Mindy Kosak, and ending with a short, but reassuring visit with another friend. Along the way, Mitchell Silas, Derek and Sima Cockshut, Jim Graeve and Summer Rae, John Glaze, Wes Hardin, Christina  F., Sandra Liz, Beth and David Glick, Nataly Loveless, Tom D. Stevens, my in-laws in New Jersey, and my family members in Massachusetts and Philadelphia provided me with emotional support and hospitality.  My uncle, George Boivin, reinforced my sense of self, towards the end of my journey in September.  I have had consistent emotional support from my Baha’i friends and fellow American Legionnaires in Prescott.  I am grateful to have made so many friends in social media, including my newest good friend in Prescott.  Most of all, I am grateful for having grown so much emotionally this past year.

The year ahead is sure to present more challenges and opportunities.  I will, most immediately, attend seasonal gatherings in December, and the Grand Canyon Baha’i Conference, in Phoenix.  I am a hiking enthusiast, and segments of the Black Canyon National Recreation Trail, the McDowell Mountains, near Scottsdale, and trails in Cave Creek, will be on tap for the winter months, as will hikes in the Prescott area with friends, both old and new.  I have tentative plans to spend three weeks in France and the Benelux region, later in 2014.  These may be postponed until another year, if I am assessed a hefty tax bill, relative to the short sale of my Phoenix house, last February.  It won’t matter, because I would have Plan B, a month’s hike of the Colorado Trail, as my backup. A move, from my current residence, to another home in Prescott, later in the spring, is also likely, for the sake of the well-being of my family-at-large.

My 2014 will continue the building of my character, my relationships and my overall life.  If it’s as fruitful as the past two years have been, I will be triply blessed.  My gratitude remains, regardless.

The Holding Pattern

0

I made a new friend, or so I think, not long ago.  I have a steadfast conviction that I am a loyal friend, and not pushy- though some have challenged me on that last point, over the last six months.  I also have a tendency to commit to service to my friends. I have made such an internal commitment to this new friend.  

The difficulty is that this person seems to have no need for my friendship, and so messages are unanswered and phone calls go straight to voice mail- which also goes unanswered, for several days at least.   I will not go to someone’s house uninvited- chalk that one up to my New England upbringing.  “Never go visiting without calling first!”

So it has gone, for the past three weeks.  I remain this person’s friend, in my mind and heart, but the one-way street develops pot holes very fast.  The holding pattern, as I sit here at home, on a Saturday night, dealing with this First World problem, has gotten old.  I will bake the squashes that are now in the oven.  I will try to get tech support, so that I may watch my DVD’s on television again, for the first time since I moved to Prescott.  I will resist the urge to hit the road again, for an extended period, with the mindset that at least while wandering, I can justify my failure to connect with someone in a meaningful way.  I will not go to a restaurant and occupy a dinner table for one- I leave that for Mr. Bitter.

I’m here if my friend needs me- all she need do is call or text.  In the meantime, I am keeping my First World problem at bay, by making other friends, as the occasion arises, and staying productive with work, acts of service, and enjoying our natural surroundings.  Life goes on.

Men and Women, Pure and Simple

8

                                                “The best way out is always through”  – Robert Frost

I am in a mood to rant.  Greeting me this morning, when I logged on, was a message from a friend.  It was clear, it was heartfelt, and it was loving.  I found it the most refreshing message I have received  online, in a good long while.  It established the parameters of our friendship.

I look forward to that ongoing friendship.  The person is one of the most enjoyable people I’ve met, in a very long time.

Now comes the fact that I’m a man, and my friend is a woman.  Automatically, the notion that I must like her for one thing, primarily, has come up, with some people more than others.

So, let me say this:  Women are not, and have never been, one-dimensional beings.  Men are not, and have never been, one-dimensional beings.  Then, why do we assume such of ourselves, and of one another?

I am an affectionate man.  I hug my son, my brothers, my sister and my SIL’s, my nieces and nephews, and those of my friends who like being hugged.  I kiss my mother, my MIL, and a few female friends, who will remain anonymous.  Physical affection is not the crux of our friendship.  It just gives me a nice feeling, when it happens.  Yes, I had a full, intimate relationship with my wife of 29 years, and that part of our eternal bond is over.

I get in a very stormy mood, reading of how certain men have screwed over the women they say they love.  When I hear from women friends about how their menfolk have hurt them, I have to say- I wouldn’t blame any of you, if you were to lock yourselves up in cloisters, for the remainder of this earthly life.  I would miss you,  terribly, but I would understand.

I know of at least two men who have been screwed over by the women in their lives, as well.  Trying to out-callous men does not make those women stronger people.  They need to do the same shame walk that my jerkwad fellow males ought to do.

People are not for beating.  Feelings are not for trampling.  Souls are not for burning.

I love my friends.  Some are platonic.  Some are confidants.  Four, two men and two women, have Best Friend status, by my lights.  One, whom I am getting to know, could very well be my fifth Best Friend, in time.  I know, “best” is a superlative term.  I would step up for anyone I regard as a friend.  I would take a bullet for anyone I regard as a Best Friend.  You know who you are.

I mean what I say, and always have.  I have shown atypical behaviours, now and then, in wrestling with my demons and my neurosis.  A book by Justice St. Vrain, entitled “Love, Lust and the Longing for God”, has helped with that struggle.  I have always owned up to my flaws.  The reason is, that God made me noble, as He made all of us.  The introductory quote from Robert Frost defines my life path.

Every single human being has goals, dreams and life plans.  Every single human being deserves at least one friend who will support her or him in this vein.  I have people who support me, my aforementioned best friends, my son, and my newest friend.  I, in turn, support them.

We go wrong, ladies and gentlemen, when we place our own whims and wants above the plans and dreams of those we say we love.  No one wins that struggle.  Unsure of that?  Just look at the wreckage of families around you, and at bonds that have been wrent asunder,without rhyme or reason.

The key is detachment.  The means is communication.  Cling to a branch too tightly, and don’t be surprised when it breaks.  Stay silent, out of fear, arrogance or pride, and don’t complain that you are being misunderstood.

We are all in this together, through pain and joy, love and sorrow, work and play, love and heartache.

Isolation, Longing and Forbearance

8

It’s been quite a week, starting with a very intense forty-eight hours of helping a stranger, who has become a friend, to move into a new home.  This whole experience put several things into perspective;  The demons of my adolescence had to be put to bed, for good, over the LAST forty-eight hours.  These were the nattering voices of “_________ is way out of your league”, “A loser like you couldn’t get out of the batter’s box with ________”, “Give it up and make do with so and so”.  I had to sit myself down last night, and say it plainly “Gary, come on.  We are talking about FRIENDSHIP here, not some wild and crazy emotional blow-out.  Besides, where are all those hotshots today?  Either they are stuck in humdrum marriages, are living just like you are, alone and searching, or they’re dead.”

The fact is I HAVE made a new friend.  Yes, she is physically beautiful, but that’s NOT the main draw for me.  This person is for real; no airs of pretense and no hidden agendas.  It’s all about the company I might keep, the time we might spend together, the enjoyment of life we might share.  I say “might”, because I still don’t want to be a nuisance.  As much as I love being with her, I have to respect her space.  So, I will wait, let her know, in little ways, that I think of her often, and hope for a call or a message.

I did not “make do”, when I entered into my first post-adolescence friendship with a woman.  It turned into a marriage, and a darned good one, though it was stormy at times, and involved a lot of growth by both of us.  Not all friendships between men and women, however fond they are of each other, become marriages.  Certainly, my long distance friendship with a person in another state, which will last forever, is decidedly not romantic and will not translate into such.  My newest friendship is just that, a friendship.  I love her, and would do anything honorable for her, any time of day or night.

So, I have to be forbearing- with my critics, with well-meaning friends and relatives of my friend, who are just trying to look out for her, with those women to whom I am not attracted, but who still want my attention, with the men who ridiculed me, back in the day, and, most importantly, with myself.

It was a very intense week, last week.  My new friend is recovering from all the stress.  I pray for her, in that regard, and for her happiness.  I am recovering from what I now see has been a long 2 1/2 years of emotional night, with false starts, blind alleys and strange interludes.  M, I  care for you and don’t care who knows it.  I just can’t say it enough, and if I don’t see you, have a nice day and a good week.

Desperation and Adulthood

12

Yesterday was my mother’s actual 85th birthday. We had no group events planned for today, just those of us who love her most either called or went to see her.  I did the latter.

In the course of our two-hour conversation, I realized that this is the first time I have EVER talked with the woman who gave me life as one adult to another.  She asked me how I was doing with my grief over losing Penny.  I told her I was in the state of acceptance.  She asked me about my friendships with other women.  I told her I felt close to one person, as a friend, that this woman is very nice and had had faced and overcome several challenges.  After bantering to me about how she thinks I should be looking for a Sugar Mama,  who will shower me with money and good things, my mother got serious again.  She agreed with me that any future relationship would be built step-by-step, and would be the outcome of a friendship built slowly and carefully, over time.

Mom said that, when the man who was her best friend came into her life, two years after Dad passed on, the man seemed breathless, desperate for her love and attention.  Gradually, he calmed down, and took her as a friend, on her terms.  Mom asked me whether I ever felt desperate.

I had to be honest- there have been two occasions, both thankfully of brief duration, when an impulse of desperation came in to my consciousness.  In the first instance, no one said anything to me, despite the abject silliness of my behaviour.  Instead those who are aware of the situation have chosen to whisper among themselves, and keep me at arm’s length, showing a cold cordiality when I join their meetings.

The second instance was handled by the person involved, in a far different manner.  She confronted me privately, gently, but with a definite and earnest fire- owning her own hurt and disappointment in my behaviour.  This was a wake-up call like no other, and I have been alert, ever since.  She showed me just how un-desperate I  actually am, and should remain.

That, my friends and readers, is how an ADULT handles obstreperous  behaviour; how a true friend turns an overgrown child into a mature, and fully-functioning being, operating on all cylinders and giving the most to a friendship.

I will always love this person, and intensely so, for the very reason I just described above.  Those who expect, and exact, the very best from us are our only real friends in this life, and in this universe.  My angel, in the great beyond, looks out for me, and sends people into my life who will keep me as honest as she did, in her life on Earth.  I am grateful for her having been in my life for so many years, and for her watching over me still.  I am grateful, too, for my best friend, C, setting me straight, and staying in my life-when it would have been so easy for her to cut loose.  I am grateful for all those friends whom I have met and with whom I have spent time on this trip- Wes Hardin, Sandra Liz, Beth and David Glick, Tom and Jody Stevens, Tom Belmonte- and for those friends who I may very well see on the return trip. I am grateful for my mother, my late father, my siblings and all my relations, because of the life you have enhanced.

My friends, embrace life- and you need not struggle.  There is enough to go around, for all of us.

Thirty Days Hath….

7

Little over a month ago, I embarked on a heart quest, parallel to my spiritual and physical journey.  In the process of sorting out my feelings, faux pas were committed, apologies made and an important friendship was at least restored to the level of cordiality and politeness.

This morning, for the first time since the morning, in March, 2011, my wife’s soul filled our bedroom with ectoplasmic intensity and woke me with an urgency I had never felt, I was awakened by another person’s spiritual energy.  As it happens, the energy was full of gratitude, assuring me that all was better this morning, after the utter darkness that same treasured soul was expressing last night.

In only a month, I have gone, in my own emotional space, from mistaking my strong feelings for my best friend for some sort of transgenerational, quasi-romantic process, to realizing it is a far deeper and more enduring set of feelings that are at play.  Let me explain.

In the Baha’i Faith, it is recognized that there are many levels of love.  The physical, transitory set of impulses, otherwise known as lust, accompanies physical love, but really has nothing to do with what endures.  One may easily think otherwise, when the person to whom one is drawn is a very physically attractive individual, with a winsome personality. Infatuation dissipates, though, as it has for me on a few occasions over the past year.

The way it is for me now, the awareness that I have of how I feel about this person, is that there will never be a time when her feelings, her thoughts, her dreams and, yes, her own love for her own dear friend will not matter to me more than my own feelings, thoughts and dreams- about anyone or anything.  This is different for me.  I felt this, and more, for Penny, my soul mate, yet now my feelings are an odd mix of parental, fraternal and universal regard for one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known.

What you wish, my friend, may it be granted.  What you strive for, may it be achieved.  What you dream, may it come true.  There is no daylight between these, and what I would do to make them happen.  I will defend your honour, your dignity, and all that you hold dear, until the end of time.  Thanks, my friend, for just being you.

A Successful Relationship

4

One of my dearest friends shared a TIME article, with us today, on another social network:

The Key to Happy Relationships? It’s Not All About Communication

By Aug. 16, 2013

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2013/08/16/the-key-to-happy-relationships-its-not-all-about-communication/#ixzz2cYQTXfTF

This topic has been much on my mind, of late.  I reflect that my marriage, while not perfect by any means, was solid.  We knew, and honoured, each other’s tastes, likes and dislikes.  Our family members were ALL family.  My parents treated Penny’s family as their own, and vice versa.  She and I were committed to the idea that communication was important, but so was respect for feelings.  Talking had to be accompanied by listening, by hearing, and by taking each other’s feelings into consideration, when making decisions, as an individual and as partners in one of the most beautiful of all human institutions.

Society has cheapened the marital bond.  I’m not talking about things like open marriages, “swinging”,or even viewing of adult pornography.  Those practices, while neither necessarily nurturing of a marriage nor particularly harmful to it, are mostly honest attempts by one or both partners to make up for aspects of his/her life that were absent from adolescence or young adulthood.  No, the marital bond has been given short shrift by a general feeling that life is so transitory, that nothing matters much.  Odious terms, like “baby mama (or daddy)”, “Best Friend, with benefits”, or even “fuck buddy”, have replaced more conventional and respectful references to one’s significant other, mate, spouse, life partner.  I consider my wife, two years deceased, to be my soul mate.  I consider the person who shared this article with me, and others, to be my best friend in this world, sans “benefits”.  I’m just glad to know her and to share in her life, to the extent she sees fit.

When I am in a relationship with a woman, I try to know as much about the person as she is willing to share.  I do not pry, snoop, or stalk.  If she has a preference for certain things, I honour it, and do what I can to bring about her happiness.  The same holds true, to a lesser extent, for casual or platonic relationships.  It’s just good form, and increases goodwill between those who claim to be friends.

I hope married couples in general, and particularly those whose bond is “on the rocks”, will avail themselves of the TIME article and discuss these concepts fully, then put them into practice.  It’s always better “late” than never.