Tag Archives: validation

The “Right Way”

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Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Community, Education, impediments, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

February 10, 2023- The little girl brought her drawing of a Minotaur to me, seeking approval. I told her, in all sincerity, that it was fantastic. Two dozen other drawings of mythological creatures, and the Parthenon, were presented to my appreciative eyes, over the course of the three-hour span. Even the ones I only saw when they were turned in, for the regular teacher to see, on Monday, were truly amazing. Every artist put his/her stamp on the work.

This meant that no two drawings were the same, and as I told one child, who was comparing her work unfavourably with her friend’s drawing, everyone is entitled to create, within their own mental framework and each of us tends to be our own worst critic. Her Achilles was just as good as her friend’s, because each of them was giving the best of themselves.

Days tend to have themes brought into my consciousness. A few hours after coming back to Home Base, I read a post by another friend, also a former student. He bemoaned the tendency of people in his home community to actively discourage those they encounter, at a community event, from doing activities, or ceremonies, in other than a prescribed manner. He pointed out that the primary definition of community is a group of people who support one another. In this vein, attacking, ridiculing or offering destructive criticism, of someone’s efforts is the opposite of community.

None of this means that we ought disregard someone’s own destructive acts. Lovingly preventing someone from carrying out an act of violence against self or others is imperative, if for no other reason than that the best that someone has to offer is off the table, when a negative path is chosen. That is true of perpetrator and victim alike.

It also doesn’t mean that no suggestions for improvement may be made. There is a path for that, offered by ‘Abdu’l-Baha, which validates a person’s opinion or method first, then offers “Have you considered the matter from this perspective?” A non-defensive mind can incorporate suggestions that are even at variance with one’s own set ways of thinking and doing.

In a universe where every word has one and seventy meanings, and there are ” a thousand ways” to do many tasks, isn’t it fair to step back and think of matters from several different perspectives?

Who Wants What?

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Posted by on in Community, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Social, Striving

January 4, 2017, San Diego- In the course of conversation today, a subject that always seems to come to the fore, when talking with unmarried young men,and sometimes with those who ARE wed, occupied a fair amount of time:  What do women actually WANT?

My answer to that has emerged over about three decades- Basically, people all want the same three things:  Respect, a sense of autonomy and a measure of security.   No one really wants to feel set up, used or unappreciated.  This seems to sometimes be falling on deaf ears, to a person who feels alone. Actually, though, the lonely man and the woman who falls into the waiting arms of a man who will disrespect her, or worse, are more alike than they each seem to think.

Sometimes, both are impatient, regarding life as something that is passing them by.  The lonely man, especially if he is kind, generous, hard-working and family-oriented, sees a relationship/marriage as the one thing he needs to complete his life.  The settling woman, especially if she has been sheltered, places autonomy, and an emotional challenge, over the fawning attention of one who is love-struck.  Yet, she, too, sees a relationship, however flawed, as the one thing she needs to complete her life.

Both seek validation of their view of self, as well.  The man who sees himself as virtuous and protective, can’t understand why women tell him that he isn’t their “type”.  The woman who sees herself as either unworthy of respect, or, conversely, as too sheltered, can’t understand why men don’t present a coarser, or at least less solicitous, demeanor.  These attitudes start way back in middle-childhood, sometimes earlier. They have something to do with parenting, as well as with broader socialization. (There are also exceptions to every rule.)

I learned, after so many years as a fulminating, unsettled young adult, in my late teens and twenties, that “You’re not my type” is as much of an excuse,as “Women are such jerks about relationships”.  In looking for answers to my own predicament, I met, and listened to, several downcast people, of both genders.  It became obvious that, if I wanted to meet one who would be my mate, for life, I would have to truly absorb her reality- past experiences, present circumstances, future dreams.  This happened to me, as so often happens, when I felt genuinely ready for a relationship, while having no idea with whom.  I met Penny two weeks later, we discussed all the above issues, and more, over 29 years, and I developed a real sense of what mattered to both of us.

Egos are fragile.  Life is fluid.  Everyone deserves respect, the right to pursue their dreams and a measure of security.  I wish all my  friends, especially my young friends, a wellspring of all three.

The Road to 65, Mile 139: High School

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Posted by on in Social

April 16, 2015, Prescott- The other day, when I was covering a classroom at an area high school, a student remarked that one of his instructors essentially “phoned-in” his classes, putting on a video, with minimal explanation, and sitting back, as the kids zoned out, day after day.  As any class has the potential to be stimulating, rewarding and useful in a person’s future, this tale was especially saddening.

I have seen all manner of instruction, or lack thereof, in my ten years as a fill-in instructor.  Some days, I have read entire chapters of my own books, while monitoring students taking tests.  Other days, I have been fully engaged in instruction, carrying on a well-planned lesson.

This evening, I visited with an extended family for about forty minutes.  One of the members is a high school freshman, who spoke of having given perfunctory responses to a standardized test.  After several of us adults remarked as to the reasons why such tests are important, she replied that no prior notice of the test was given, nor was there any explanation offered, other than “It’s that time again.  Here’s the State Test, you know the drill.”

I have not worked in her school for a very long time.  The administrator’s policy is that only women, and men over the age of 70, are to be trusted with the students.  Quirks like that may work for a time, but the reality is:  People are fallible, regardless of gender or age. People are also known to be trustworthy, regardless of gender or age.

My young friend corroborated my remarks about the above-mentioned high school, saying this was common in her school as well.  The loudest and pushiest students are recognized, as are a favoured few others, and the idea of random questioning, or calling on people for response, is given short shrift in many classrooms.  I call on a variety of people, regardless of whose hand is up for every single question.  There is no other way I can conceive, to reinforce the idea that everyone matters, that the learning of all is important.

I have been blacklisted by a few administrators whose attitude is “My way or the highway”, and yet, when I speak to students who are in those schools, the answer is often, “Mr. (or Ms.)________ doesn’t care much about us”.  Surprising?  Hardly. The name of the game, in my humble opinion is “We are in the business of building a solid future.”  We are concerned with validation, affirmation, of the dreams and goals of beautiful souls, awesome human beings.  That’s education, in a nutshell.