November 10-11, 2017, Arcosanti-
The past two days have taken this loving wanderer far deeper into my past and how it has affected my subconscious, than any prior event in which I’ve been involved.
In between volunteer sets in the Cafe, I joined one of the workshops in the Healing segment of Convergence. A session entitled Re-Patterning addressed the very issue that was weighing on me, yesterday afternoon. My feeling that I was not trusted by people, very much, even in the context of the workshop participants, was allowed to be brought into focus. After establishing that a few breaches of trust on my part, mostly online, over the past few years, were still playing and replaying in the background, there was an exercise in which deep breathing and muscle resistance were used. This brought to light that, when my family moved when I was four, I left someone behind, who I considered a good friend. Somehow, in the fullness of life in the new neighbourhood, this never entered into closure.
I have largely spent my energies in two divergent ways, since that time. On the one hand, I am always open to new experiences, and visiting new places. On the other hand, when off work, especially since Penny passed on, my tendency is to occupy myself alone. I have inherited the “comfortable in my own space” mindset of my mother and maternal grandfather. Yet, there is more to it than that. Yesterday’s session established the role of unresolved loss in the course my life has taken, all these years.
I feel like a great weight has been lifted, and am not as tense, in this large gathering, as I was yesterday, before the session. I worked two long shifts in the Cafe, last night and early afternoon today. I still find myself alone this evening, but that is more a function of having left Convergence this evening, to attend a Veteran’s Day dinner in Prescott, then returning here, after dark.
As indicated earlier, being at a large gathering, overnight, is new to me. I won’t retreat into my own space and shut out the world. This change is mainly for the sake of taking part in a group meditation and dreaming event, which will be more easily explained after the fact than now. No, I will not be using psychotropic drugs. Where I go will be where the universe naturally takes me, much like any other night..