So, What Does This Make Me?

October 2, 2018, Prescott-

As a teenager, and as a twenty-something, I touched a few women, without their prior consent, though not in a compromising area.  Something inside of me recoiled at my own behaviour, and each case lasted less than a minute.  I can only hope the people, none of whom I knew by name, or ever saw again, have had good lives and have been treated well, over all.

The Kavanaugh case has brought me to a place of circumspection. I know that no one is perfect, yet one of the two people with whom I have spoken, about one of the incidents, was almost apoplectic in lecturing me about what my twenty-something self should never have done.  He is an older man, who prides himself on his manners, yet regularly curses in the presence of women his age.  The other person, a woman slightly older than me, simply noted that this sort of behaviour is something I appear to have long outgrown.

None of us walks on on water, yet we each have the capacity, and therefore the duty, to grow emotionally.  I have never sexually assaulted, or coerced, anyone.  Indeed, I have only made love to two women in my life, the second of whom became my wife. I am hardly ashamed of that track record, as brief as it is.

The last thing I did, before writing this, was to remove myself from the readership of a man who laid all blame, for the issue that has dominated the national debate, on the woman who belatedly reported it.  Consensual sex is not rape, and rape is never good.  To conflate the two, even in an “intellectual” environment, is reprehensible.

Now, what do the incidents I mentioned above, make me?  If you wish to say I am a hypocrite, you may.  For any of us, especially men, our purity towards other people is one of degree.

29 thoughts on “So, What Does This Make Me?

  1. Consensual sex isn’t rape. You touched(which I’d like to think was just flirting cause physical contact also helps with that) and didn’t take it any further. Restraint in such areas isn’t something a lot of people have got, so no. You are no hypocrite. Anyone that thinks you did an awful thing, has got to have never pulled some stunt when they were teenagers.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Gary — as with all childhood learning, teenagers explore their world, including the adult world of sex. There is a HUGE difference between the kind of touching most do and rape, which is NEVER the fault of the victim. There is also a HUGE difference between honestly admitting that one was once a teenager and prevaricating about one’s actions, whether touching or drinking — especially when “interviewing” for a job on the Supreme Court.

    Liked by 3 people

      • I agree with your comment to Val — there are lots of sick people who abuse their power and egos — to me, the larger issue is how they deal with the accusations. At this point, so many years later, it is far more important to acknowledge transgressions and demonstrate subsequent good behaviors and attitudes that it is to defend against the accusations. We truly do not need SC justices who are angry and uncontrolledly defensive — we do need those who can be calm and selfless — and unbiased in their evaluation of information before them.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I have to second Janet’s comment! You should not beat yourself up over touching that “lasted less than a minute” and was not “in a compromising area”. You are scrupulous in your self examination of events that might have resulted in any unpleasantness. You have owned your actions and have never repeated them. Of course there is a chasm between touching for less than a minute and holding someone down and covering their mouth to prevent screaming…

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I believe in giving people a second, or even more, change. However, that can only be given if a person takes responsibility for his/her action. Preferably in a decent respectful way. Mr. Kavanaugh didn’t…
    You did, for an action for which, to me, apology is not even required/necessary. I respect you even more.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Frankly Gary, I find the whole thing taken too far! The #MeToo movement came to be, because of men who were in position, would sexually assault women, and if they defend themselves, they would be fired. There were so many talented actress’ who never had good roles after rejecting his advances.
    In Kavanagh’s case, I watched his appearance at the judicial committee, and I saw how annoyed he looked at that. He looked like a man who has lost his favourite candy, and brawling. I don’t think a man like that should be the judge at all.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. There is a huge difference in “kind of touching” – And I really don’t think what you did was more than casual flirting!
    Plus, it’s really brave of you to come forward and express/share your side of the story! Trust me, many won’t and never do!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I think if we all look back into our pasts we have all done something that seemed innocent at the time. And it probably was innocent, yet in today’s society it is deemed inappropriate. It’s a tough one, you know what you have done, your mind has focused on these incidents. It’s hard to move on and not fixate on these things, but you need to be reassured that what you did is hardly in the same category as some of the things that we see in the news these days. The fact you are remembering in this way these things show that your conscience is pricking you, I think it is time that you forgive yourself and release from this.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I found your post to be both courageous (making yourself vulnerable to other’s judgememt) and a sincere look at things from your past. We all have things from our past we are not particularly proud of. The beauty is in walking the path to evolve from what we were to who we are. Your written voice details your self actualization. Thank you for letting us in.

    Liked by 1 person

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