May 2, 2022- I admit it, there are still people who I find irritating, almost adversarial. Most are those in positions above me or who gather in small cliques, and leave me feeling like an outsider. So it is always back to the drawing board, and with the help of meditation, arriving at an understanding that their gamesmanship or maneuverings have nothing to do with me, per se. If it wasn’t me being excluded, it’d be someone else. I also have to take stock of my own expectations: Am I in search of some special place, some role of insider?
The conclusion I come to is, I don’t really want to be part of an exclusive group. My door needs to be open to those who suffer, who go without. My heart, last week, was more with the clients, the donors, my immediate teammates, than with my supervisors, who could barely bring themselves to acknowledge our presence. The same is true of certain schools. I take assignments because I get on well with the teachers and students. The front office staff is almost too busy to greet us or say thanks, and that’s just how it is.
If that all sounds like exclusion in reverse, well maybe so-but I did not make the first move, in that regard. Anyone is welcome to be part of my world; those who would rather not, well, Godspeed and make the most of your positions and perks. If my help is needed, I will show. If not, then there are plenty of places where my presence is welcome.
I know this goes way back, all the way to childhood, and the groups who kept to themselves. I long ago forgave and forgot those slights, but the aggregate leaves me wary. Someday, with enough self-work, I’ll get over it. Until then, the struggle is real.