Category Archives: Family

A Dozen Years

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, Education, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal goals, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Striving, Travel

August 11, 2023- On this date, in 2011, I posted a short, tentative introductory post, inaugurating this site. It was at a difficult time in life. My wife of twenty-nine years had been gone five months. I was feeling isolated from many people, and was feeling pressured by others, to do what they thought was best for me, going forward. I ended up “going dark”, for the most part, until the following January.

A dozen years later, I’m still very much here, and no longer feeling besieged, either by my own demons or by others’ expectations. So, I want to take a look back, at some of the things that I did right, during each of these years.

2011- It was an honour to help my in-laws, providing food for them, over a two-week period, when they were laid up and unable to prepare their own meals. I also re-connected with my father’s older brother, in Colorado.

2012- Some of the places that Penny and I had wanted to visit together, I was able to reach-with her spirit very close at hand: San Francisco’s Baha’i Center; the Redwoods, both coastal and interior; the Oregon Coast; the Portland Rose Gardens; Neah Bay and Cape Flattery, WA; Seattle.

2013- I was able to attend a “Sail Blind” event, in which my second-eldest brother was participating.

2014- Attended the 70th Anniversary of D-Day observance, at Utah Beach, and visited the site of my father-in-law’s World War II imprisonment,in Berga, Germany- both in his memory.

2015- Made it to southeast Alaska, which we had also hoped to visit as a couple.

2016- Overcame a lot of self-doubt and took on a job that involved helping other autistic people. With considerable help, replaced the broken-down vehicle that I had bought on the cheap, two years ago.

2017- Kept at my final full time job; had a smooth drive, to and from New England.

2018- Faced down a very powerful negative force.

2019- Survived a physical attack; made the decision to move into semi-retirement. Went to Korea and attended Aram’s and Yunhee’s wedding.

2020- Worked the floor, twice, during the height of COVID-19, at Red Cross storm shelters, in Louisiana and Texas.

2021- Drove to and from Massachusetts, twice, to assist with Mom’s move and the clearing of our former family home.

2022- Traveled to Newfoundland and Cape Breton, fulfilling another of our couple dreams. Bought a vehicle on my own, this time in a proper manner.

2023- Made a concerted effort to reduce my weight-and succeeded. Visited a few friends,in the Pacific Northwest, who had felt isolated during the long night of COVID-19. There are two long journeys, at least, left in this year. I say “at least”, because there is no telling what will be asked of any of us, by the Red Cross-with regard to Maui.

In any event, my psyche is in so much better a place, after twelve years of self-responsibility.

An Homage To The Well-Set Table

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Striving, Travel

July 20, 2023, Salem, OR- The table was set in a way that would have done my maternal grandmother proud: A wide dinner under plate, with a salad plate on top of it and a place setting of sterling silverware, wrapped in a cloth napkin, at each seat. There was a water glass, and empty cup and saucer, at each seat, also. The fare was placed in the middle of the dining table, and we passed the food around, using our best table manners. Such was our host’s first meal gathering, since COVID.

I woke this morning, in Medford, ten miles from the site of the lunch time gathering, to a message from a childhood friend, saying that he was en route to Medford, from a town an hour away. I went to Mellelo Coffee Roasters, enjoyed a light breakfast and coffee, and waited, writing a blog post in the meantime. The meet-up never occurred, due to a variety of small details, but I found Mellelo to be another supremely welcoming place. I didn’t take photos of the spot, as there were people sitting in front, enjoying their breakfasts, but you may find Mellelo at https://mellelo.com/

East of Ashland, there is a place called Equamore-a facility for rescued horses. https://equamore.org/ It is here that my friends, Jody and Philip Weah, have lived, for many years, and until a recent drought, had a garden that was second to none. I know the place will flourish, outwardly, again. It flourishes inwardly, still, as evidenced by the delightful repast that Jody put together, using products that Philip provided from his employer, Harry & David. There were several cheeses and jams, fresh bagels, and even fresher fruit. They do not have horses, per se, but they do have a large dog who may as well be a horse, given his size. He’s a guard dog, though, which meets their needs. I enjoyed discussions with my hosts, and their other two guests-on topics ranging from Baha’i subjects to the state of table decorum, in this day and age.

After an hour or two, it was time for this one to go on up the road, so with a fond hug and farewell to the Weahs, I drove on, in the heat that was somewhat tempered from yesterday’s infernal temperatures. Oregon did not approach the 100-degree mark, at least today.

Salem– Oregon’s capital city is one of several towns in the state that are named for counterparts in New England. I stopped here for the night, planting myself in a room at one of the two Motel 6s that are found here. First order of business, though, was a light supper. Valiant, The Sandwich, a name inspired by video game culture, if there ever was one, proved quite valiant, indeed. An ample, but not overpowering ham, pineapple and grilled onion combination, filling a ciabatta bun, with roasted tomato soup on the side, restored my fading energy-and for the second state capital tour in a row, I found myself walking around Oregon’s seat of government-in early evening and with a ring of construction fence around it, just as had been the case when I visited the capitol at Sacramento, in early May. Salem’s fence, though, goes down to the edge of a busy parkway, on the north side, making circumnambulation a death sentence. I made do with walking on three sides of the structure.

Here are a few scenes of the day.

Equamore, east of Ashland, OR
The Beaver State’s homage to the GI Generation
An homage to childhood, as well: ” A Parade of Animals”, by Peter Helzer, graces the west lawn of Oregon’s Capitol.
The “Parade”, up close.
Oregon Capitol’s crown, from north side.

The cityscape had its share of those suffering, in the wake of high rents and social dislocation. A forlorn woman sat, alone, on a bench, not far from the sculpture of the animals. Maybe she was reminded of a happier time in her life-or maybe it, too, was a nightmare. A disheveled man passed me, as I was checking in to Motel 6. A short time later, a security guard told the desk clerk that “the problem was solved”. Seeing another human being as a “problem” is a problem in itself. She told me that the man had been in the motel’s dumpster-seeking to sleep there. Now, that would have been a problem, had the trash truck shown up to empty the bin, with him still inside. The conversation shifted, to human trafficking, when a man showed up, to pay extra for a young lady, who wasn’t related to him. The clerk wisely asked for the young woman’s papers-which fortunately, they were able to produce. I did not get a sense that there was anything amiss-and after forty years in the field, I pick up on stuff like that.

So, with a good day under my belt, I tumbled into bed. The homeless man went across the street, where there is an organized shelter-and slept in its lobby.

The Arc of Family

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Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Family, impediments, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

July 16, 2023- The infant boy responded, calmly and contentedly , to being passed into the arms of his grandparents, aunts and adult cousins. All he wanted was to occasionally check in with his loving mother. He seemed to sense that this was no regular gathering. It was, in fact, his grandmother’s birthday.

As a friend of hers, for the past ten years, I was the only guest not officially part of the family, but no matter. I regard each of them as if we were familial. Her introduction to me, of essential oil supplements was the start of my return to physical and mental health, after nearly three years of treading water, after Penny’s passing. I watched her youngest daughter, the little boy’s mother, grow into a strong, forward-thinking woman. I have been present at each of the family’s milestones, since the Fall of 2013, and helped with each of my friend’s three moves since offering to help with the first one. They, in turn, have made a place for me at several holiday tables.

I will be present at an important family event, tomorrow morning, prior to leaving on a twelve-day visit to the Northwest and Carson City. The family unit will be standing by my friend, as one, at the proceeding that will set the course for the next phase of her life. She has strong, fine children, siblings, nieces and nephews and a man who cares deeply for her-and then, there’s I, who also holds her, and the family, close to my heart.

The family arc is solidly anchored-and it is one of many, including my own biological family, that imparts strength and surety to my life. The little boy has a strong framework for his growth into manhood.

Dancing Barbie, Tuna Stew and Songs in the Round

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Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Community, Family, impediments, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

July 15, 2023- Barbie’s “mommy” gave her mother’s friend a gift bag, with a nice tall candle and a decorated card. Then, Barbie got to dance, do somersaults and yoga poses, all without complaint-as dolls are wont to do. Barbie finally got a rest, when her mommy got thirsty. Barbie’s mommy is on her way to being a strong, independent, thoughtful adult human.

That was how the evening started. Beforehand, I learned that my landlord was perfectly okay, as was the gentleman who fell, last night. As I suspected, heat prostration was at play, in both cases. I know how that works, having had my more rotund self experience it in 2012, whilst passing through Uvalde.

We did have a rather toasty day here, which didn’t get in the way of our team’s breakdown of the Farmers’ Market, thanks to sunscreen, proper desert headgear, plenty of water and our truck. Tomorrow will be another dose of July Fry, possibly reaching 119 in Phoenix, higher elsewhere in the Sonoran Desert and 102 here.

Getting back to the evening, I went to Raven Cafe for a Songwriters in the Round, set of performances by four engaging musicians, two of whom I’ve heard several times before. The tone was set, in the crowded room, by my thoroughly enjoying a new item: Basque Stew-which is tomato bisque with chunks of tuna, nicely stewed. I admit to being a bit apprehensive, as tuna has been either in a sandwich or in rolls of rice, as sushi, in my long experience with the meat. It was actually nicely spiced-and the fish was not overpowering.

I will let the Raven’s promo introduce Songwriters in the Round:

“Nashville-style songwriter rounds consist of 3 or 4 musicians trading songs and stories for an engaged audience of song lovers and supporters. This is our first one! Join us this Saturday as we see songwriters Tyller Gummersall, Stephy Leigh Griffin, Rachael Plays Guitar and Kevin Rueb step away from their bands to give you a raw and intimate glance into what it takes to be a songwriter.”

Stephy Leigh and Tyller have played, with their bands, at the Raven in the recent past. So, some of their songs were familiar-but done acoustically, sans bandmates, gave the tunes an entirely different, more intimate feel. Kevin, with a tongue-in-cheek, irreverent view of sexist behaviour by men-and its back-at-ya reaction from women, got rousing laughter from many of us, including his wife, who played along joyfully, during his hilarious take-down of the “Magic Mike” phenomenon. Rachael was the most soulful, directly-sharing of her experiences, and made no apologies for doing so. I look forward to her “Album Launch” concert, at the end of next month. I would gladly go to see any of these folks, time and again.

Time goes on, whether days are hot, cold or the great in-between; whether spent hither or yon; whether productive or laconic. Each day brings its gifts and each day exacts its costs. So do I take the best of what life brings, along with its expectations for recompense. On balance, I’d say this life is a bounty.

Thirty-Five Gratitudes

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Posted by on in children, collaborating, Community, Family, Inspiration, Matters of Faith, Personal goals, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Travel

July 7, 2023- “When a thought of war comes, oppose it by a stronger thought of peace. A thought of hatred must be destroyed by a more powerful thought of love.” – ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, 1911. I have had competing impulses today, and the stronger message from my spirit guides is to focus on gratitude. I have a lot of angst and self-criticism going on today, but not much can be done to rectify the causes of all that-without pondering and listing all the reasons for being grateful.

Today, my son turned 35, and so I feel it useful to list thirty-five things, places and people for which/whom I am grateful.

35. Grand Canyon National Park-both North and South; . 34. San Diego; 33. Dietary protein shakes that have worked; 32. The core group of readers of this blog site; 31. Those who are committed to peace, through dialogue; 30. My large extended family; 29. Newfoundland; 28. My childhood home town- Saugus, MA; 27. My variegated playlist; 26. My book collection; 25. Planet Fitness; 24. The movement towards inclusion and equality; 23. Horses; 22. Historical sites-both domestic and worldwide; 21.Century Lounge and the Raven Cafe; 20. Cape Breton Island; 19. My comfortable Home Base (apartment); 18. Prescott Farmers Market; 16. Brittany (the region); 15. Santa Fe; 14. Butterflies; 13. The ocean; 12. Whales and dolphins; 11. Reusable bags; 10. Mountains; 9. Sunrises and sunsets; 8. Colorado; 7. Arizona as a whole; 6. My closest friends; 5. Children and teenagers; 4. My siblings; 3. My parents; 2. My little family; 1. Spirit guides (and the Baha’i teachings).

This list is not written in order of importance, though the top five are certainly on my mind and in my heart 24/7.

Close The Gate

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, Family, impediments, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Striving

July 4, 2023- No, not THAT gate! Anyone familiar with ranch culture would tell you that the phrase is one of the first instructions given a child growing up, and is expected of family members and visitors alike, when going out of the portal that keeps livestock confined. It is a generalized ethic, that calls for each member of the ranch community to keep all others in mind, in everything one does.

Baha’u’llah admonishes us to “Be fair to yourself and others.” This teaching applies to all situations, and is, when you think about it, a prerequisite to a peaceful world. Even one’s sworn enemy deserves to be treated with dignity and have good qualities acknowledged.

So, courtesy and fair treatment start with our dealings with family, then with neighbours, community members, in the work place and on up the chain to state, nation and the world as a whole. Nowhere is this more critical, and often overlooked, than when engaging with traffic.

At the conclusion of a most well-orchestrated fireworks display, this evening in Prescott Valley, there was a potentially unwieldy amount of traffic that had to be moved along. We have a deeply ingrained “four-way stop” mentality here, so there was a smooth egress system that kept things moving, albeit slowly, with people alternating exiting, even when there was a five-way reality, as each lane was honoured in its turn.

“Close the gate”-just not in the neighbour’s face!

Heroes

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

July 3, 2023- He was arguably one of the finest chefs I ever knew, although my own knowledge of him was fleeting. His wife of forty years was not far behind, in the culinary field. They were, aside from their mastery of the kitchen, a handsome couple, as far back as I can remember. They were both athletic, and highly personable. Rod would tease the heck out of a number of people, including yours truly-but I never got the sense he was putting us down. He and Kathy were never elitists. Rodney P. Lavoie, Senior was a coach, a craftsman and a master of so much that he took on. He was just one of those people whom it was not necessary to know well, in order to admire. It was a shock to learn of his passing, early last week. He was a genuine hero to many young people, in and around the town of my youth.

I’ve had occasion to ponder who the heroic figures in my life have been. What determines that status? It’s not age. I have seen heroic acts by people as young as six. It’s not gender. Many of my heroes, even role models in certain respects, have been women and girls. It’s not familial. Though my parents and relatives are high on the list, there are many, even sometime adversaries, who are there as well. I don’t even have to know them personally. Public figures, and occasional strangers, who don’t shy from tending to the well-being of those around them,

Two men in a nearby community took four relative strangers into their homes, despite their both being fairly ill. One of them has had cancer turn for the worse, and reluctantly asked his boarder to move on, as room had to be made for a live-in caretaker. Another kind soul quickly stepped up and provided living space for the young man. These acts of loving kindness are also the stuff of heroism.

As a community, we have taken time to honour the brave nineteen men who died on Yarnell Hill, ten years ago. Over a dozen First Responders have died in the line of duty, since that harrowing day. That they exhibited heroism and sacrifice goes without saying. The most heartening aspect of this is that their children, and others who learn of them, are drawing the right lessons. Herosim will continue.

David Bowie’s depiction of two brave souls standing by the Berlin Wall, in the dark days of Soviet rule, says it all.

“What Would They Want For You Now?”

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Matters of Faith, Personal goals, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

June 23, 2023- A group of about two dozen young men walked into a Los Angeles session that offered poetry and meditation, to address social dysfunction. One by one, the men spoke to the three “experts”, saying that all this philosophy was good on its face, but that the reality they faced each day was far more ominous- 9 mm weapons pointed at them, suspicious police tailing and stopping them, food deserts, joblessness, and so on. Besides, the men said, they knew too many of their peers who had been slain on the streets, in the past year.

The experts wisely acknowledged that there were too many souls who hadn’t been honoured, so they asked each of the men to go outside and gather up a stone, for each person they knew, who had been killed in the last year. After several minutes, the men came back inside, each carrying many rocks. They sat down, a candle was lit and placed in the center of the circle, and each person was asked to give a name to each of the stones. He was then to say the name of the victim, and place the stone next to the candle. This continued, until all the stones were set around the candle, honouring each of the murder victims.

Jack Kornfield, a social psychologist, and author of “A Path With Heart”, which helped me so much, in the early stages of grief, in 2011, was one of the “experts”. He posed a question to the men: “What would they want for you now?” One by one, the members addressed that question, in a pensive and serious manner.

As I listened to this presentation, I thought of Dad, Penny, Brian, my in-laws, grandparents, aunts and uncles, even the most rambunctious of my cousins. I think they would want me to know peace, to have arrived at self-acceptance and to keep on in the path of service. Each of them sacrificed, in one way or another, that the world they left behind might be a better place. Friends, like John H., Deedee B., Donna G., Sean W., Mario M., even Frankie Q., would want me to be doubly sure that the person inside this frame was jettisoning the baggage that held me back, for so long.

I have to want the same for myself-and believe me, it is happening-slowly, but steadily.

He Did So

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, Family, impediments, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

June 22, 2023-The night I came home, inebriated after a party at work, Mother was waiting in the dark. She asked me what time I thought it was, and after my saying it was Midnight, I learned it was 2 a.m. Dad, as it happened was down cellar, doing some work, and came when called. I had already gotten a “Pow in the kisser” by the time he got upstairs. He told me what he thought of me, and it wasn’t anything complimentary, but it wasn’t profane, either.

I think my father stopped using corporal punishment when I was about eight, and even before that, I only remember him spanking me once. As for telling us what he wanted done, it was mainly by force of example. When I was expected to be out in the yard, shoveling dirt or putting rocks in the wheelbarrow, and dumping them along the edge of the marsh across the street, he was already outside determining what area was mine to work, what area was Cheryl’s and, after a few years, what area was to be worked by David. Dad always did the heavy lifting, and built the fire underneath the large boulders, then sprayed them with cold water and took the sledge hammer, to break them up.

When a medical emergency came, for one of my siblings, it was he who flew up and down the stairs, throwing items necessary for an overnight stay, into a cloth bag, then carrying the hurting child downstairs and to the car, while I had my arms around Mom and Sis. He took care of all such crises, as best he could-and it was always good enough, in my book.

Dad applied himself to his work, just as much, though his heart was with us, always. His gift of gab let the time get away from him, when out on errands, but he always made up for it to Mom, with a quality night out or an occasional weekend away, as we got older. He would have choked at the term “Date Night”. Dates, for people of my parents’ generation, stopped at the altar. Thenceforth, it was “our night out”, and either Cheryl, one of our cousins or I minded the younger kids.

What he wanted done, he did as an example-and we were never confused as to how to go about it. That all stopped, thirty-seven years ago today. Thankfully, the road maps left for us are still clear. His image and voice are,as well.

Paternal Love

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Posted by on in Assistance, Family, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

June 18, 2023- Dad taught each of his four children who were of sound mind the basics of automobile maintenance, the basics of responsibility and the basics of getting along with others. A work ethic was instilled in each of us, and each of us holds on to that, to this day. He held us to fairly high standard-and any lapse in conduct, once he taught us, was on the individual child. He played no favourites- and I, as the oldest although the most troubled, was not cut any slack. It was no fault of his, when I made bad choices-and it was only fortunate that no one was hurt by those choices, except me.

Dad’s demeanor was steady, and while his manners were those of the blue collar French-Canadian family in which he grew up, he was a gentle man, devout and not given to cursing. He rarely, if ever, punished us physically. He loved only his wife, our mother, even through the stressful teen and young adult years of their youngest child, who was in constant pain and was unable to communicate in other than the simplest language-and frustrated acting out. He loved the five of us, but in the end, I fear he did not love himself enough.

His passing took place thirty-seven years ago, this coming Wednesday. My siblings gathered at the family home, post-haste. I traveled from Arizona, after gathering food for Penny, who had to remain behind. After a long stretch of driving and flying, I was there, too, for our mother. The subsequent wake and funeral saw nearly 500 people pay their respects, and none of us would have expected any less. Penny’s parents drove from New Jersey-a clear symbol of the friendship that had developed between our two fathers. Family was there from all over New England and several from further afield. “Freddie” Boivin was treasured.