June 29, 2017, Prescott-
Today went much better for me. A smaller shelter, and a more closely-knit crew, made a lot of difference. Still, when a member of the “inner circle” showed up, at the end of my shift, I just wanted to get out of the building, as soon as possible.
I realize this is rather irrational, but emotions generally are. There are relatively few people I fully trust- my son, mother, siblings, six or seven cousins, about a dozen friends here in the Prescott area and about fifteen other friends in various parts of the country. I’m sure those numbers would be higher, were I to have more contact with family and friends, than I do at present.
It has nothing to do with my love for people, but rather, my perception of how they really feel about me. This goes back to childhood, to my wandering nature and to not having really stuck with one core group of friends, growing up. It also has to do with the somewhat anonymous culture of bigger towns and cities in the West, and of apartment living in general. My neighbours, on either side, are rather suspicious of me, and say little, beyond a curt “hello”. I carry on, with a friendly countenance, anyway.
In the end, we leave the world, alone; yet in the meantime, as people in small towns remind the rest of us, time and again, it is a far better idea to work up some trust. There have been times when I have let others down, and I’ve tried to make amends. Lord knows, I am working on my own trust issues, but it’s just not easy.
Those are my thoughts, at the end of a long day.