Intensity and Isolation

May 15, 2019-

When I first awake, many mornings, I contemplate a feeling of increasing isolation here.  The Western states, especially the Southwest, have an ambiance of anonymity- or perhaps that is just the reality of apartment/ head for the garage and lower the door living, anywhere  This is what greets me, with the dawn.

Once up and at ’em, my social media shows that, from the safe distance of behind the screen, my  friends are with me.  Most have their own agendas and schedules, and I was raised to not intrude on anyone’s space.  I have to appreciate that I have friends at all, so our correspondence is much appreciated.

I tend to be quiet, but also very intense in my feelings.   I tend to care greatly, even about relative “strangers”, but do not often verbalize my caring.  This combination does not always serve me well,  particularly when in certain local restaurants.   Besides,older single men are not received well by everyone, when taking up a table.  This adds to a feeling of isolation, as I have indicated in past posts.  In my own case, though, it’s probably better for my physical health-as the establishments in question offer largely high-calorie fare.

It occurred to me, this morning, that the problem is not so much that I am wearing out my welcome here, as that what I need is to end my own isolated living situation and find a small community of people who support one another, not by appointment or scheduled time, but intentionally, naturally.  This is what I miss about the little team of which I was a part, until April 3.  This is what I miss about the hostels where I stayed last summer; about being with friends and family  in Nevada, Philadelphia,  Florida and  Tennessee; about having been in Korea, a few months ago.  There is no easy answer on the horizon, but I know something will surface.

8 thoughts on “Intensity and Isolation

  1. You are experiencing a common phenomenon among recently retired — what are my primary interests, who shares those interests, where do I find them, etc. This was one of my motivations in considering moving to a “retirement home.” For me, though, the interests are so varied that there is no single group — I find friends in many places. I think my concern is to maintain many acquaintances and a few “friends” (of which I consider you one) — over time, those acquaintances often develop into friends too. It is important to be open to many, but to limit that openness to those with commonality. There are lots of small “coffee clatch” type groups everywhere that are welcoming and variably satisfying — they won’t find you, so you must find them! And do maintain your good contacts!

    Liked by 2 people

    • This is true of any group-they won’t find me, at least not directly. It is an interesting state of flux, but at least I am more clear on what my needs are. You are indeed a friend, Janet.


  2. I am used to being alone. My social standing and disabilities often put me with toxic people, the leftovers, so I live my life without them. If I want company, I go out to eat. I don’t like starting real world relationships because they are so taxing. And, as usual, I attract the leftovers who often drag me down.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sometimes I am reserved and strangers take that for being snooty or elitist or even unfriendly. I’ve learned to counter that with smiles and gestures that bring us closer together and dispel some of the fog that obscures the truth of who I am.

    Liked by 1 person

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