Lack of Imposture

September 4, 2019-

Every so often, when I get in a situation where it seems my presence isn’t wanted, the default status, known as Impostor Syndrome, jumps out and tries to say “Boo”.

I feel this, particularly when I go into a business establishment and am either given a pro-forma greeting, followed by a brush-off, or am treated rudely by one or more staff.  Then, there are those who cannot maintain eye contact for more than a minute or so.

In the old days, I’d figure I just wasn’t worth it.  Other people were okay, but I was a different matter.  This didn’t so much impact my casual friendships, but it did affect everything from my dating to employment interviews.

Experiences were thus limited and my own confidence had to start from the ground and work up.   Time in the Army helped-as I was responsible for accountable mail.  Time in college, afterward, wasn’t so beneficial, in terms of self-confidence, nor was the first part of my educational career.  It took marriage, the Baha’i Faith and time among Native Americans to build a solid foundation.  Still, I had trouble whenever I dealt with mainstream society.

Having to be on my own, since 2011, has erased most of this sense of imposture.  It started to come back, last Fall, when I was challenged by someone, as to my very basic level of competence.  I made it past that hurdle, only to have self-doubt re-surface, over the past  week.

So, it became needful to spend much of this day in reflection.  Some conclusions:  It is NOT my fault that the bar manager at a local restaurant was in a bad mood and avoided dealing with anyone dining at the bar, and not imbibing alcoholic beverages.  It is not my fault that a vendor at Farmer’s Market would prefer I not stop at her stand, and take her attention away from older women, who may or may not purchase items.  It is not my fault that a Hispanic waitress at a downtown diner prefers to not serve or interact with English-speaking patrons.

I will do what I can to accommodate these people, and others like them, but I will not, any longer, absorb a sense of imposture or unworthiness, into myself.

17 thoughts on “Lack of Imposture

  1. Sounds like snarky prejudice against men, or older men, or alcohol-free men. Sometimes the prejudice defaults into non-aggressive, coldness, ignoring and distancing by the entitled female. Men and women are equal. For reasons of beauty or wit, girls and women can take advantage. Believe it or not, I know the treatment and the self-questioning. My dad says to take people at face value. Don’t read into actions like I am doing here. Three in a row. God’s test.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, you seem sensitive. Time in the army helped me overcome that. If I’m eating out, it’s like, I don’t care what you think. Just give me the cheeseburger. I realize that sometimes they’re having a bad day, and I don’t take it personally.

    But I understand where you’re coming from. I was tormented by teachers and students growing up, and I started walking on egg shells. They had so much power over me. Now their power is no more.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve been betrayed by authority figures a lot. I assume you might have issues with this, too.

    I know Putin values his country more than my life, so of course he was an asshole. He fed their vanities, the ones after me, which made them find out about the PMs. I must be an attention whore, so they call came to salvage dirt for gold. I’m not attention whore. I have ADHD, which is restlessness from the way I was raised. lalalala

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    • The first part of this has been my experience, as well. It’s been work supervisors who have blindsided me-especially Governing Boards of schools where I have worked. My parents, on the other hand, were golden.

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      • I have wonderful grandparents, can’t complain there. Sorry to hear, but you overcame it and have a life now. I have been abused and exploited a lot. I was dependent on my job, and my managers realized this and made me do more for less. In the hospitals, I’ve had bad luck, and i know those people are stressed out. I passed out at one point — not on the bed exactly, kind of sideways, and the nurse said, “Passing out is not a sign of low potassium.” No, that means good things are happening. I don’t mind that much. I just know the VA will be stuck with me even longer for medical malpractice. I have to fill out a form in the future. It’s like a 1151 or something if it gets worse. The OIG, as usual, told me my case was too trivial. I called the office and asked what I would do in that case, saying, “I’m not going to sue you, but what do I need to do? She told me I didn’t have enough money to sue her. Great. Wasn’t going to. I lost control and have a guardian now and am not as abused. She’ll kill them.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Abuse is autism these days–high functioning. During my school days, it was ADHD. I watched them lose their sanity and were taken away and how it ended. They made all the younger generation emo, too. Sometimes I get mad at our leaders. Now the fad is saving the world (for themselves). The world has always been a dangerous and unforgiving place. No one knows. Life can also be a blast. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVjhJFw2t0I

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  5. Gary it is good that you have taken control of your emotional well-being. The idea that others can “make you mad” is so wrong. We all have a choice on how we respond to the actions of others. The long standing mantra has been “its not you its me” is not always applicable. Glad you are on an even keel…

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