Category Archives: Inner Struggles

Pushing Back On The Mud, Day Fourteen

2
Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Community, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

April 15, 2023, Aptos, CA- I walked into Lillian’s Italian Kitchen, in downtown Santa Cruz, a bit after 8:30 p.m., looked around a bit, and found the party of eight that had gathered in my honour. Such gatherings have not been as rare as my psyche sometimes imagines, and in each case, they come as a pleasant surprise. Lillian’s takes a fair amount of inspiration from the San Francisco ristorante/cucina scene.

Sunday Gravy, a dish popular in New York and New Jersey, which spread to California in the 1940s, was a succulent mix of short rib, beef, pork and blended sausage, in rich tomato sauce. There was no hint of oregano, basil or garlic-just spicy tomato. Each person had a similarly delectable dish, from lasagna to antipasto.

This was a day which began with word that my overall evaluation is “a nice one”. Then came a colourful and heartfelt poster, made by a family who were greatly moved by the love and caring shown by our team. Another woman wanted to express similar sentiments, but was ashamed of the quality of her writing. She conveyed her appreciation, then went shyly back to her cot area.

This was also a day when my heretofore critic responded to the care I showed, at the word of his having experienced severe pain last night, by expressing full appreciation of the way the shelter was being handled. The work that my crew and I have done, without let-up, now seems universally approved. It is not differences of opinion that matter so much, but how each of us grows to relate to one another over time.

Far from here, in Dadeville, AL, a town which I visited a year ago, a young girl sits, head in hand, weeping at the horror which people, who hate her for some reason, inflicted on her, and on her family, by killing her older brother on her 16th birthday. In Guanajuato, Mexico, other men, who couldn’t leave well enough alone, just had to slaughter six adults and a seven-year-old child-because they could.

My, my-the contrast between a climate of understanding, and tolerance that becomes acceptance and oneness, and a climate of toxic abusiveness, ignorance and egoism that fosters hatred and violence.

Pushing Back On The Mud, Day Twelve

2
Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal goals, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

April 13, 2023, Aptos, CA- Standing tall is a risky proposition. One is an easier target for the disaffected and the self-important, alike. On the other hand, it is the only way to be recognized by those who matter most-the honest and continuously hard-working people, who make up the majority of any given workforce.

We made adjustments to our daily tallying procedure, more in line with actual “winding-down” behaviour of the shelter residents, instead of counting just to have a count by day shift’s end. There are bound to be other course corrections, in the time that I have left, but they will be made without my feeling that I have failed somehow.

Today was also a day to honour and acknowledge the Monterey County team, who have been so strong in support of those whom we have sheltered. Four of us, a chaplain, translator, one of my supervisors and me, interviewed those who have chosen to stay in the parking lot, in lieu of taking a bed in the shelter. The four of them have different reasons for doing this, but they break no laws and are just as entitled to dignified treatment as anyone else.

We will finish with an uptick in the quality of our service and in everyone’s sense of well-being.

Pushing Back On The Mud, Day Five

2
Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Community, Education, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

April 7, 2023, Aptos, CA– It was, to many people, a day suitable to their mood-rainy and a bit cool, reflecting the feelings of many people about the Crucifixion of Christ. Yet, throughout the day, the sun shone through the clouds, periodically. There is, in fact, progress being made on the determination of water potability, which is one of the factors that will affect the return of people to their homes. The bigger issue, of course, is the presence of mud in and around those homes. Finally, there is the issue of accessibility to the houses.

To many people, the ordeal feels like a crucifixion, of sorts. Most will recover, to a greater or lesser extent. The lessons learned from this inundation may not be immediately clear to the victims, yet there seems to be a very strong sense of “We will go on and show our children that these kinds of events are not the end of life.” This is much in the spirit of what Christ was telling humanity, by submitting to the ignominy of the Cross.

The best of parents deliver this message to their children, both verbally and by example, on a daily basis. The ethic of picking oneself up and going forward is also what will carry human civilization and sense of community.

“And still we rise”.

Nevertheless

4
Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Matters of Faith, Personal goals, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Striving, Travel

April 2, 2023- These thoughts come to me, as two weeks of night duty approach.

I don’t see much of my restaurant-worker friends, as the weight-reduction plan continues and my schedule takes this one afield. Nevertheless, I think fondly of all of them, and wish a steady flow of diners and income.

I haven’t gotten out to see local friends, as much as I might have. Nevertheless, I keep each of them in my heart.

It’ll be three weeks until I get back to my weekend routine in Prescott. Nevertheless, I summon the forces of assistance to the Farmers Market, to my beloved vendor and worker friends, and to the regular breakfast crowd at Post 6. May all be safe and well.

I have no idea what lies in store for the suffering masses, both across the United States and around our planet. Nevertheless, I sense that all will heal and goodness will flow, even from the darkest of times.

I have no clear picture of what lies in store for us in the Central Valley, even with improving weather. Nevertheless, our team will do everything possible to safeguard the victims of nature’s ravages, until it is time for them to safely move on.

The weeks and months ahead will be filled with both challenge and opportunities for growth. There will be a lot of work required and putting the needs of all manner of people on my radar screen. Nevertheless, I will maintain self care and keep my focus.

Mellowness

4
Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Striving

April 1, 2023- The Director regarded me with a side eye. “What do you need?” This is a person around whom I have become guarded, so it was no surprise to get such a greeting, when my only intent was to say “Hi”. I told her of my coming absence, due to the impending deployment to California, and her tone softened to “We’ll miss you”. Sometimes, a mellow response to hardness will bring about a softening.

This evening, I enjoyed more mellowness, first as R & D project played tunes from the Sixties through the Teens, at Rafter Eleven. After coming back to Home Base, I went through one set of tummy tighteners (up to 50 per set, on truncated sit-ups) and joined some new neighbours around their fire pit, for light conversation and a song-guessing game. I recognized about five of the tunes, out of fourteen, so paying attention to Aram’s playlist, when he was a teen and young adult, still has its rewards. After a while, I came back in and did a second round of exercises.

Spring, for me, begins with April, and this year is no different. It is a season that stokes a mellower mood, a sensation of encouragement. Meditating on what still triggers residue of my autism, I realize that any perceived hostility towards my actions, or my mere presence (as at the Market, this afternoon) causes me to momentarily want to shrink back or disappear. Thankfully, I no longer act on that impulse. I have a place in the world, and in this community, regardless of anyone else’s opinion-or what I initially think is their opinion.

Today was no joke-and ended rather nicely. It is nice to feel mellowness.

Some Gave All

2
Posted by on in American Legion, Assistance, collaborating, Community, Historical, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

March 29, 2023- The roll of honor featured those killed in action in the Afghanistan and Iraq conflicts, and those who died in the three attacks on September 11, 2001. These extensions of the Vietnam War Memorial Wall, whose traveling exhibit is in Camp Verde, AZ for five days, are part of its mission to bring closure to those left behind by these more recent tragic series of events.

The day was observed, nationwide, with many state governors issuing proclamations honouring Vietnam Veterans on this day. The President apparently did not, but he had honoured an individual soldier with a belated Medal of Honor on March 3. The importance of today, to those of us who served in that conflict, will hopefully not be lost on him, in the future.

“All gave some. Some gave all.” I lost three friends from my home town, and nearly lost a fourth, in the conflict. The death of the first one, in combat, spurred me to go to the war zone and see for myself what was going on. Fortunately, I was assigned to Army Postal Units-first in Long Binh, the largest base in the Vietnam Theater and later to Cholon, a smaller compound in the midst of Saigon. Those of us in the rear echelon “gave some”, but whatever threats there were to our safety, in 1971, came more from fellow Americans. The War Zone was no safe haven from drug and human traffickers, or from the internal divisions of our own society. While I came home with less Post-Traumatic Stress than combat arms veterans, there was some.

I felt the residue of much of that stress today, as speakers in Camp Verde and in Prescott paid homage to us and some spoke of their own experiences. It was surreal, as I have long since put the war behind me, and I didn’t really feel that people showed any particular disrespect towards me, when I came back, in 1972. There were no left-wing radicals trying to spit at me or accusing me of being a baby killer, though I know of a few who had those experiences. What did surface today was my wanting to not draw any attention to myself, or to commiserate much with other Vets. I mainly wanted to observe the day in semi-private, being in the group, but not prominently.

So the day passed, and the Pledge of Allegiance was recited on three occasions. I received a swag bag from the Red Cross, indulged in a donut hole, then exercised on a stationary bike for 20 minutes and got in a 2-mile walk to/from downtown. At day’s end, the residual feelings of unworthiness have passed and I am back to a more even emotional state.

Some, though, gave all-and we are forever in their debt.

Correctness

4
Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, Education, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

March 28, 2023- The young man was quick on his feet, pointing out that I had used a complimentary adjective, in reference to a woman of colour- only minutes after another member of the group had cautioned against combining references to mental prowess with a subject’s ethnicity or gender. Point taken-and I simultaneously wonder if pinpoint concern over the fine points of speech may not have the unintended consequence of turning people away from the mental process of refining one’s thought.

Thought refinement has to precede the elevation of speech. I can readily see how “She was a feisty, articulate young Black woman” must sound to a person who shares those qualities-or to anyone who is sensitive to such cloying language. I remember wincing, years ago, when a colleague reported that someone had “complimented” her for being an “educated Indian”. The person who used those words may, or may not, have entertained a condescending view of First Nations people, but the effect was obvious.

Truth be known, I was, and still am, in awe of the woman to whom I referred. I hope she has only become more articulate, and retained her fire, over the years-and that these have helped her realize her goals. The world needs, if anything, more people who are resolute and who won’t “mind their place”, when it comes to seeking justice. In that regard, I hope the young man at tonight’s meeting likewise keeps prodding the rest of us to stop and elevate our thoughts, so that the resultant speech is of the highest order.

Correct must come to truly mean right.

The Beleaguered Southland

6
Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Historical, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Technical stuff, Travel

March 27, 2023- I got a text, and an e-mail, from the Red Cross, early this afternoon, wanting to know if I would be available to assist in the recovery efforts following the latest wave of tornadoes in the mid-South, especially in Mississippi. I will be available starting Sunday, so we will see what RC’s response is.

The South appeared to have endured a triple whammy, these past few days. Tornadoes have come to be expected, yet those which hit rural areas at night have tended to not get as much forewarning as their diurnal counter parts and are thus deadlier.

School shootings, sadly, have come to be expected-and are dismissed as “an unfortunate trade-off for the protection of rights under the Second Amendment”. That codicil says no such thing, but has been interpreted as protecting the “rights” of the craven and the mentally ill, to the extent that it is, itself, no protection at all for those who either don’t own firearms (the vast majority of underage students, for example), or do not bring their weapons to the workplace or leisure spots , OR are outmaneuvered/ outgunned by the aggressor. Oh, for the days of a well-trained militia and firearms safety classes, as the prime missions of the National Rifle Association.

Thirdly, the Thirtieth Anniversary of the Waco Massacre should have been a day of national reflection and shame. Instead, it was turned into a political circus. Fortunately, a good many of those who went there to reflect, grieve and process their emotions did their processing and quietly left, well before the politicizing and venting had come to a close. To me, the carnage that day was every bit as reprehensible as what followed in Jonesboro, San Ysidro, Lakewood, Sandy Hook, Sutherland, North Charleston, Fort Hood, Pittsburgh, Roseburg, Arlington, Peoria, San Bernardino, Uvalde, Parkland, La Plata, Oxford and Nashville-as well as the places which escape my recall at the moment. The deaths of people, in misguided loyalty to one man are a supreme cautionary tale-and I pray the Divine that this never is repeated, for the sake of any one leader, father figure or surrogate neurotic means to power.

I’ve spent many enjoyable days in the South, as in other parts of the country and the continent, over the years. My heart hurts for those affected by each of the tragedies above-and while certainly praying, I am also willing to go and help in the recovery process, should my presence actually be welcome-as it was in Louisiana and Dallas, three years ago.

The Fallacy of Coercion

4
Posted by on in children, collaborating, Community, Education, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

March 25, 2023- Once, after Penny’s funeral, when I found a modest, but pliable, insurance deposit in my checking account, I got a call from someone who used the fact, that I had only myself to support, as a springboard to ask that I help fund a surgery that was needed. In those days of some confusion and recovery that accompanied the grieving process, I did not project ahead to the expenses of the ensuing four months before the final life insurance settlement would find its way to me. It felt like it was my bounden duty to help this individual, who had little. The choice was made to proffer a substantial amount in that direction. Fast forward three months, and I received a proposal from my handyman to renovate the house. Without giving it the proper amount of thought, I initially agreed to his offer, only to do the math afterward-and to end up cancelling the project, thus burdening him with returning the materials-and burdening myself with the loss of a friend.

I have come to the realization, these many years later, that there really was no coercion from anyone. I made both decisions, conflicting as they were, out of a desire to make someone else happy. To what extent the first person achieved happiness is a matter of opinion. I have not been willing or able to continue to dole out money in that direction. It goes without saying, that the second person is just as glad if he never sees me again.

In life, there are relatively few matters that are imperative. A parent must do the best to raise any child, who is birthed or adopted, to adulthood. A pet owner must see to the animal’s well-being. A citizen must contribute to the support of community, state and nation-both financially and civically. A worker must do the best to fulfill the basic requirements of a job. Communities must provide for the education of their young and for the basic care of disabled and elderly residents.

All else, however, is a matter of choice. In the 1970s, the comedian Flip Wilson had a routine, on his television program, in which he played a character whose retort to being chastised was “The devil made me do it.” We Baha’is know the “devil” to be the ego of a person, when it entices one to overindulge base instincts or desires, acting against the better nature. It was anthropomorphized long ago, in the days of Babylon-and has had a physical image ever since. This has the effect of allowing a person to deflect any blame for actions-which was exactly Wilson’s point. That such self-indulgence can generate negative energy, which can and does harm self and others, does not change the essence of its nature.

There is much that I take on, both paid and volunteer work. In each case, I have come to the understanding with myself that my choices are made strictly in consulting with my conscience, and not because of any pressure from outside. Guilting, whining or yelling and screaming have only made me turn away from the supplicant. There is no such real thing as coercion, when you give the matter some thought.

Snow, and Then No

2
Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Community, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

March 24, 2023- When I rounded the corner, coming back into Home Base after a night minding an empty shelter, I found the vehicles parked outside were covered with snow. An hour later, it was gone. This is a harbinger of what seems likely to be the rule, rather than the exception, of the days to come.

In recent weeks, I have seen the wishes of a departed friend be countermanded by his heirs, all for the sake of vengeance against others, who for the life of me have done them no harm. I am not directly involved in this, but a dear friend is-and so is the single mother of a small child. All one can wonder is, what benefit does a man in late middle age get from savaging the less fortunate?

There are numerous occasions when people have used ruses, machinations and straight-up aggression, to overturn policies and negate previous actions that have come to benefit the marginalized. Mostly, this seems to stem from a sense of entitlement, based on tradition and a long-standing state of affairs. It can result in reversal of fortune for the downtrodden-but to them, this is also more of the same, and yet, we wonder why they get angry, or despondent, or just plain defeated. Where is written that one class of people has an inherent right to dominate the rest, or even a segment of that rest? There is “The Divine Right of Kings”, but that has ever come with an equally valid “Divine Responsibility” for those same monarchs and overlords. No justice, no peace.

The water cycle mandates that what comes down, whether liquid or solid, must flow, be absorbed or evaporate. It must go where it can be of benefit to life, whether immediately or over time. Water can never just “disappear”.

The cycle of justice mandates that what is reasonably given, in good faith, by one person to another cannot be simply taken away, under any pretext, by a third party-even if that third party has convinced self, against all evidence, that he, or someone who has ingratiated self to him, is the victim. “Thou shalt not steal”; “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour”. This applies as much to the ongoing claim of “election fraud”, vis-a-vis 2020 and 2022, or the miser who finds self expected to share with others, as it does someone taking liberties with the last will and testament of another. Justice may be deferred, or denied for a time, but it can never just disappear.

Snow can seem to disappear, but the well-being of a person, or group of people, must not be made to seem so.