Category Archives: Inner Struggles

The Road to Diamond, Day 252: Unrequested

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Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Community, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal goals, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

August 7, 2025- In a well-appointed room, at a resort along a prosperous coast, a young man stretches and prepares to enjoy a summer’s day, on his break from University. He didn’t ask for good fortune, but it follows him. Perhaps he will someday go through equally unrequested heartbreak and suffering, but for now, all is well.

In a rock-strewn, hollowed out gulch, along a desolate, impoverished coast, a young girl tends to her two younger siblings, feeding them biscuits and a few leaves of spinach. They didn’t ask for this ill fortune, but it follows them. Perhaps they will someday see prosperity, as a now elusive peace settles on their homeland, but for now, survival is all that lies in front of them.

In a small Midwestern town, a father shops around for enough food to bring to his wife and four children. He stretches his dollars, as his father did before him, and Grandpa before that. None have asked for ongoing ups and downs of the local economy, but it has long settled among them. Perhaps someday there will be a return to locally grown food as a standard, rather than as a set of anomalies, but for now, he and they push forward, day to day.

On the roof of an apartment, in a hardscrabble Caribbean neighbourhood, three young men sit and discuss how they might respond to news of a wealthy man taking charge of their country. They didn’t choose him, and though he offers hope of stability, they have heard it all before-as have their parents and grandparents, going back eight generations. Perhaps someday, there will be a true and honest consultation among the people, but for now, the young men will follow whoever seems to have the power on the streets of their city.

I think of these people, and others, as I sit in an apartment which I chose, in the city where I gladly chose to live, eating food that I prepared myself, from ingredients also freely chosen. It hasn’t always been a life of choice, at least outwardly. Yet, the changes that have taken place in my life have been influenced by my preferences-even when those choices are small, limited and not the most optimal.

I hope and pray, for each person finding self in harrowing conditions, or in debilitatingly privileged states, to ponder the options that may be available-and take the ones that will bring beneficence, even if it starts out as a few more morsels, or a bit more conscientious self-restraint.

The Road to Diamond, Day 245: Uncommon Emotions

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Posted by on in collaborating, Community, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

July 31, 2025- Every so often, in places I’ve lived or in jobs I’ve held, there was a feeling of being fully occupied and my presence was justified, but there was no real connection. This is an actual emotion, called Mal de Coucou. It was most common for me in the early ’70s, when many groups engaged in performative camaraderie- and in the marketing “clubs” of the 2000s, where people engaged in similar pretense of teamwork.

Paro, the sense that I am not getting anything right, has hit more times than I can count. The inner nagging stopped, when I came to the realization that more good things were happening on my watch than their opposites.

Jouska, the playing out of imaginary conversations, was a bugbear of my autism, in adolescence and even into young adulthood. The key to getting past this was making actual connections, making Jouska an outflow of Mal de Coucou.

Ecstatic shock is a sudden jolt coming from even so much as a brief glance, from someone you have not seen before. For me, this has happened a half dozen or so times, exclusively from women. One was with me for 29 years afterward. One still connects with me by Instant Messaging, once a week or so, until I can see her again.

There are ten other emotions with names not commonly used in American culture. They may be seen below. All make perfect sense, in their context. How many have you felt?

https://www.dictionaryscoop.com/article/Youve-felt-these-14-emotions-you-just-didnt-know-what-to-call-them?x_title=0&utm_source=blog&utm_campaign=blog-20250731

The Road to Diamond, Day 240: Retro Vibes

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, distraction issues, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

July 26,2025- There was a consensus among the staff at Farmers Market, this afternoon-The energy today was quite strange. Those who are astrologically inclined put the blame on the retrograde of Planet Mercury. A planetary retrograde is the seeming movement of the orb away from the other planets in the solar system. It is said to bring those influenced by it, back over old ground or unresolved past issues.

I can only say there were a few moments today, when I was feeling a bit of tension-mainly within my own space. At those points, I just stood still and told self to get a grip. It was not going to be a day of being irritated with people, who were just going about their day-even if it seemed that too many were in the same space at once. It worked, and taking my time with several small tasks, one at a time, helped me keep the peace.

Towards the end of my work at the Market, a disabled veteran came along and offered to help. I was absolutely glad to have his assistance and it seemed to make his day. Too many people are made to feel like they don’t matter. I won’t be one of those who stokes that sad fire. My father taught us that everyone has a place in the world, and no one ought to be made to feel worthless. I hope I have made that clear to those who have crossed my path, over the years.

This evening was spent enjoying the music of The Dust Ups, a classic country and surfer music band, out of Tempe. They brought back memories of songs by Dick Dale, the Surfaris, Bob Wills and Don Gibson. Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash and Mexico’s Consuelo Vazquez were represented. (The trio is not to be confused with the four man New Jersey band, The Dust-ups, who also offer country fare). I liked their arrangements and end the day glad that there were no dust ups here, even with the strange energy earlier.

The Road to Diamond, Day 215: Everything, and Nothing

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Posted by on in collaborating, Community, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, service, Social, Spiritual, Striving

July 1, 2025– Happy Canada Day, everyone!

Today has also seen a burst of activity, on the two major fronts of my summer. Two wildfires have been top of mind for me, these past few days. A major blaze has been consuming the pinon forest between Window Rock and Ganado, on the Navajo Nation. The Dineh have been able to manage shelters, staffing-wise, and will have Red Cross logistical help, by tomorrow noon. They have plenty of government and private enterprise help, in fighting the blaze. Some friends are among those displaced, and I hold out hope that their homes will survive.

Another blaze, closer to Home Base, also led to us gathering a standby crew, but it has since been largely contained and the crew dismantled. There are all manner of small blazes, underscoring the poignancy of the Twelfth Anniversary of the Yarnell Hill Fire, which led to the deaths of 19 wildland firefighters. Over the weekend, in northern Idaho, a transient was asked to move his vehicle by wildland firefighters. He responded by shooting at them, killing two commanders and wounding an engineer. He later killed himself.

That last incident highlights a fringe element, those who believe that their priorities and their privileges supersede everyone else. We used to call them sociopaths. Now, many of them see themselves as ascendant-even to the point that there is an active movement called Accelerationists, who want to replace elected government with all-powerful Boards of Directors, headed by Chief Executive Officers, who can run roughshod over everyone else, in the name of “efficiency”. This is a huge step away from the workings of the customary publicly-owned corporation, which has a charter, a mission statement and a code of conduct. It, to me, is a system built for sociopaths. (Indeed, Elon Musk recently made a statement that empathy is a weakness of Western countries.) There is little difference between such people and the Idaho shooter.

That brings me to the second overarching concern of the summer: Baha’i gatherings. On Sunday, about forty youth and adults gathered for a lively session of songs and devotions. There was no egotism and no one-upmanship. Yesterday, some of the same youth spent the day visiting adults in their homes, sharing prayers and inspirational stories. Over the next two weeks, various gatherings will be held in the Phoenix area and at Bellemont Baha’i School, for further activities along those lines. These inspirational and collaborative activities are in direct contrast to the self-absorbed depredations described in the last paragraph.

I draw reassurance, also, from conversations with friends here, conservatives and liberals alike, who may not agree on much, policy-wise, but who will stand together against any forces that try to deprive us of the freedom and traditions that we have cherished for 250 years.

He would take away everything is likely to be left with nothing.

The Road to Diamond, Day 214: Proactive

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Family, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

June 30,2025- A year ago, I was sitting aside the woman who gave me life, as she took her last breath. The moment was a bookend. She had worked very hard to make sure that I survived a rough birth, and that I overcame many obstacles, some self-imposed, in order to at least enjoy a long and fairly well-lived life. Her overriding instructions were “Don’t take yourself too seriously” and “Stay ahead of the game”. Mom’s approval mattered far more than either of us sometimes realized, and the struggles I had with self and others, over the year, largely were brought to a close when I reverted to what she had tried to instill, so often and so selflessly, over the decades.

I can never think of a time when her rejoinder “Poor baby” was callous or misplaced. A child of the Depression, who lost her father to cancer in its midst, and saw her four oldest brothers off to war, in the 1940s, and her younger brother as well, in the Korean conflict, was nonetheless shaken when I headed off to VietNam, for what was a mercifully non-troubling ten months of rear echelon duty. She was a paragon of persistence.

In a generally love-filled marriage, that lasted 37 years, she would often find herself facing her fears about her youngest son, alone. It took some constant communication to get her loved ones to understand just how much she wanted for the little boy, who became a disabled man. We each grew into compassionate adults, who would ourselves fight for the well-being of the least among us-and who would give anything for our children and, in my siblings’ cases, grandchildren. I know the latter now, anticipating a grandchild’s birth with a heart that is bursting with love.

Mom is now with so many of the souls she loved, and is looking out for the rest of us. I can count several times, in the past year, when there has been that one extra push to get me over the threshold. It has made some rather tall orders shrink down to hurdle level.

I only hope I have continued to make her proud. God knows, a reciprocal pride has welled in me, for as long as I can remember.

The Road to Diamond, Day 209: Not One Dimensional

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, Education, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

June 25, 2025- The day saw me in three states of being. Morning started, foggy-headed and with an appeal for help, from a family that was in a situation similar to the one in which we found ourselves in the late 2000s. I am eternally grateful to family members who helped out, back then. The best way I can still re-pay them is to help this present destitute family, while maintaining the expectation that they make their own case, as we had to after a fashion. So, food was put on the table and a road map was given towards it not becoming a constant appeal.

When I was younger, say, in my twenties, it was easy to look upon people in a one or two dimensional manner. No matter how often Mom said to not judge a book by its cover, the boy saw girls as potential mates and little else. (Thankfully, the decent part of me never pushed the physical aspect of that mindset. “No” was woe, but never was confused with “go”.) The student had a tinge of condescension towards the worker, until a working man turned the tables one day. I took a hard line towards those who did not toe society’s line-even as I had several motes in my own eyes. On the other hand, there was self-loathing.

By mid-day, I had regained equilibrium. The family’s needs were met and I caught up with a few lingering Red Cross tasks from yesterday. I was not feeling fog-headed and was thus able to plan for the rest of the day, and for tomorrow’s work day. I remembered that the fog was mainly from having had an overactive mind, in the middle of the night, mainly dreaming about lightning and rain, neither of which will get here until the middle of next week.

Evening came, with a Baha’i planning session and light supper. A brief afternoon nap had dispelled the fog and my attention was where it need to be-noting important points on the document being studied.

Any given day can bring energy phases, especially in the heat. Any given day can also bring reminder that no person is one or even two dimensional. Each of us is therefore entitled to some grace, when stumbling or when pretending that hubris will solve problems. Each of us is allowed to learn from mistakes and to grow. The only thing that doesn’t get a pass for very long is standing still.

The Road to Diamond, Day 208: Simulation

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Posted by on in collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Education, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

June 24,2025- I was the “client” in today’s simulation of a Red Cross response to a house fire. My role was as the head of a large family, which I made up. The purpose was to train four volunteers in the procedures of a Disaster Action Team, taking information for the organization’s assistance to house fire victims. I was there primarily to support the instructor, so taking the role of “victim” seemed the right way to do this. House fires constitute the most frequent theater for a Red Cross response-more than Blood Drives or disaster shelters. Red Cross volunteers are there for people at what is a profoundly personal time of need. Their most important material anchor, their home has been damaged or destroyed, and in most such instances, they and their loved ones are the sole victims. Red Cross can offer assistance for temporary shelter, transport and food, connections with recovery services, personal counseling and basic health care. That aid is no simulation.

Earlier in the day, I attended another meeting that was more concerned with local affairs, in the time of straitened circumstances. While I was waiting for the others to show up, I noted the presence of a man whose personal philosophy is rather medieval. He started, several years ago, questioning big government. That, in itself, is not a bad thing. Yet, several simulations and rabbit hole explorations later, he is unable to keep from questioning even the most basic physics. Gravity itself is not spared, and those who see planets as spheres are viewed by him as dupes. He himself has become a means of gratuitous entertainment to a fair number of people, and little else. More’s the pity.

After the meeting, which briefly also touched upon national and international events, I pondered the notion that perhaps one or more people in government are also engaged in simulation-and thus we have various experiments being done, with the view of seeing which one works. So far, I am not seeing any of them showing a whole lot of promise. Simulations, it would seem, have to be a bit more rooted in higher aspirations than is presently the case.

The Road to Diamond, Day 206: Wars and Rumors

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Posted by on in Assistance, Community, distraction issues, Historical, impediments, Inner Struggles, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

June 22, 2025- In Episodes 3 & 4 of The Chosen, Season 5, there is much posturing and self-interest playing out among the Jewish priests, the Roman officials, and the apostates from the Plains of Sharon(who are actually fictional characters), none of whom like one another much and are united only in their disdain for Jesus the Christ.

In a gathering of His disciples, Christ speaks of wars, and rumors of wars, as a result of His fate, which He does not divulge to them, beyond saying “I go away and come again unto you.” He goes into detail about the course of events that would follow even the spread of His Faith.

We see posturing and self-interest once again, and again it is primarily in western Asia, again involving the major power in world affairs. Once again, it involves high-ranking clergy, who are also well-heeled, and there is a snippet of “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s”. It is serendipitous that these episodes depicting the Life of Christ should find themselves imitated by current world events, but here we are-and here is where the comparison ends.

It’s hard to say who in the current state of affairs really sees himself as the protagonist, actually saving humanity from a great evil. There is a lot of fulmination about this or that “Great Satan”- primarily the advocate for a system of values that is at variance with those values that confer power and wealth upon said “protagonist”. The West sees those who propose top-down stringency, an almost medieval code of conduct and a stated willingness to abolish the Jewish State as inimical to its interests. On the opposite side are a gaggle of authoritarians, not all of whom are necessarily proposing the oppression of women and only some of whom are anti-Semitic, but all of whom are opposed to the concept of individual freedom. The latter are confused by the present American leadership, which essentially seems more concerned with imposing what it sees as business-like efficiency on the government system than it is with coddling dictators.

My take? There will not be any peace until the various forces place a spiritual foundation under all their actions. That means giving up a focus on their own material and political power, and being concerned instead with what will truly help the common people to level up themselves. Human nature, not the air, water and soil of the planet, is what needs a great shaking-just as it did in the time of Jesus.

The Road to Diamond, Day 204: Dragon Dance

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Posted by on in collaborating, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

June 20, 2025- The group of eight filled the study period a lot better than I had anticipated. Guiding mature adults through what seemed, at first glance, like it might be an overly simple process actually ensued quite joyfully and meaningfully. We were studying the first sections of a book that explores the human spirit and its development in this life and the next. Despite its rather catechistic format, there is an underlying depth to the questions posed. Our discussion was slow, deliberate-and rather delightful.

Spiritual teacher and sometime politician Marianne Williamson pointed out, in an essay published this morning, that most everything resembles an iceberg: 1/3 or less is in the visible realm; the rest is below the surface. This is, essentially, the Law of Unintended Consequences. Relatively few of us think things all the way through, in the manner of the group mentioned above. We simply convince ourselves, or are convinced by others, that there is not enough time in a day for such deliberation. As mechanical tasks have become more automated, this has in many ways only gotten worse. Sooner or later, however, the tendency to engage in a mad rush leads to mishaps of one form or another.

I was in two restaurants today-one for an early lunch; the other for a small dinner. At both places, the mood was a bit tense, what I would call a Dragon Dance. The people involved were making a show of working together, but were barely tolerant of one another, and seemed a bit wary of their customers. At lunch, whilst sitting and enjoying a well-made club sandwich and side of salad greens, I heard a clatter from the work area around the corner. Something told me to stay seated, and let the process roll out as it would. A few minutes later, two workers came back out, neither looking at the other, and as I packed up half a sandwich and rose to leave, one tersely wished me a good day.

The afternoon was punctuated by the enjoyable gathering. The heat, though, would wear on others. At dinner, in an outside patio, I was served by two different workers, who were at first cheerful and pleasant. A musician who was performing 60s and 70s tunes, began making mildly misogynistic comments and chose songs that had the effect of irritating the women present, including the two servers. All service to unaccompanied men, including yours truly, then came to a screeching halt. The singer was oblivious, but the faces of the ladies had an “if looks could kill” tenor. I was due to leave for an evening meeting, and so bussed my own plate and glass. The server who took the items from me was appreciative, then remarked to her co-worker that she was feeling overwhelmed. They both continued about their work, but the stomping around and slamming things down painted a picture of people at the limits of their patience. I can only hope the manager was able to get things back under control.

Spring has now come to an end, and we must face even more heat, dance with more dragons, while maintaining equilibrium. The topic of the evening meeting, that followed the tense dinner salad and cool beverage, was “How do we see others?” I have a tendency to look at people very deeply and try to understand them from a number of angles. My only hope is that I don’t end up seeing things that aren’t there.

The Road to Diamond, Day 196: Clarity

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, Family, Inner Struggles, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

June 12, 2025- Angela sang a mix of love songs and reflective ballads, in the corner of Gypsy’s Bakery, where I stopped for a while to enjoy a light lunch. Gypsy’s is just one of several delightful spots that are within walking distance of Home Base I, making it as easy to take a meal out as it is to prepare my own. Angela’s music was an unexpected and soothing bonus.

I had a modest mission besides: Getting a back-up medical monitoring device, as my old one may be just wearing out, after fifteen years. I feel perfectly well, and want to keep it that way. With a potential addition to our family to consider, I need to be “in fighting trim”.

There are tempests swirling around, in other parts of the country and across the globe. These could be mitigated by clear communication, but the trend, for many years, has been to play close to the vest, and to talk in riddles. Another trend has been for people to approach one another like bulls in a china shop, or cannons aimed at mosquitos. Clarity, ahead of action, is the only way to avoid the miscommunication that has led us to our two current impasses, one domestic, the other international.

Some will say that the world is too complex for clarity. Well, we see what obfuscation has brought us: 249 dead in a plane crash in India; mass destruction in Iran; increasing tendency to pre-empt dissent, by merely arresting the possible dissenter(s) ahead of time. Obfuscation comes from ambition gone sideways; as does repression; as does vengeance.

I pray for all those in Israel, Iran, India and across our country, that there is safety and that there is a return to sanity-as well as clarity.