Tag Archives: connection

The Road to Diamond, Day 175: Connecting, Havening, but No Othering

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, impediments, Inspiration, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

May 22, 2025- The road to resiliency is whatever length one makes it. Such was the first message at this afternoon’s COPE (Connection/Compassion,Optimism, Perspective, Emotional Intelligence) seminar, at Granite Mountain Unitarian/Universalist Church.

Connection and compassion are illustrated by acts of support, structural language (terms of endearment and understanding) and meaningful/joyful experiences. Public gatherings can be the forefront of the latter, but it is small, intimate encounters that make up the bulk of these. Consistency in supportive language is crucial-from affirmations of affection to words of gratitude. The facilitators, a married couple, offered their ingrained habit of thanking one another continuously-avoiding any tendency to take one another for granted. Finally, “me” is consistently replaced by “we”.

Optimism is signaled by confidence that comes from having met past challenges and a sense that we are building upon those successes. These can be small or great achievements. Self-regulation (breathing, healthy diet, regular exercise, proper rest) is a basic indicator of optimism. So are the practices of incorporating uplifting experiences,a positive forward outlook and a basic trust in a Higher Power. Havening is the process of self-soothing. Besides deep breathing, placing one’s right hand over the heart and left hand on the solar plexus is an example of havening, Another example is slowly passing one hand over the other.

Unity of internal and external perspectives is beneficial. The understanding that everything is temporary, whether positive or negative, encourages savouring the moment, an ethic of carpe diem, accepting that a painful day is no more permanent than a pleasurable one. One may choose to view a challenge as a portal, or see it as a hole. A broad perspective will let one view everything as sacred-whether it be a blessing or a hard lesson.

Emotional intelligence is marked by recognizing, naming and managing own emotions and recognizing those of others. Using emotional intelligence to address three basic human needs (Safety, satisfaction and connection) entails recognition that there is, in reality, no “others” but that we are all extensions of one another, in that regard. The “other side”, of conventional political and social mythology, has the same basic needs as those with whom one more comfortably associates. The key to social cohesion, then, starts with assisting one another, in getting those needs met.

The “rugged individualism” of the libertarian or conservative can meet the needs of some, while the “social contract” of the progressive or liberal can address the needs of a wider segment of society. The key to both lies in avoiding dogmatic adherence to one set of principles or methods of achievement.

In a time of uncertainty and challenge, resiliency is what will guarantee that our communities, and their members, survive and thrive anew.

A Sestina for the Suffering

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Posted by on in collaborating, Community, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Poetry, Social, Striving

September 1, 2021- The need to be of help in relieving suffering, be it of humans or of animals, is among the most fundamental urges most of us have. This sestina, a verse of six stanzas, rotating six end words, and capped by an envoi of three lines, addresses the suffering that is encountered by many.

We go about our daily deeds, both joy and drudgery, meeting peace, to outward-seeming. Life has its minor struggles, persistent, sometimes nagging disappointments, and adventure. There is, however, no growth or triumph, without struggle. We learn, at any early age, that one safeguard against harm is that of attachment. The warmth of mother, the sturdiness of father, the friendship of sibling, curl up in memory. As we grow, there are many reactions to those around us; the best of these being empathy.

The plight of the poor, those living below what we have come to expect, summons empathy. There are hovels, tents and rolled-out blankets, which defy credulity, even to outward-seeming. A visit to an encampment, even seeing the modest trappings of ingenuity, is seared in memory. The day-to-day struggles are not uniformly dreaded by the homeless, who may see adventure. A rolled-up camp and the camaraderie of mates may trigger attachment. There comes to be seen as a truism, that what matters is not the destination, but the struggle.

A person, or an animal, waging the fight for freedom, draws admirers to their struggle. There is no end to the outpouring, at least initially, of empathy. The identification of onlooker with target, and against oppressor, becomes a torrid attachment. The course of action becomes clear, to outward-seeming. Some will join in the fray, if only to experience a rare adventure. On their deathbeds, the onlookers turned fighters will whisper their memory.

There is a power, though, in the storehouse that is memory. It nags, it pleads and ultimately forces the onlooker to join the struggle. There is scant relaxation, maybe a dearth of comfort, in the ensuing adventure. The fire of action fuels the sword of courage, forged on the anvil of empathy. Those not convinced of the truth that is spoken to power see waste, to outward-seeming. Greed, envy, avarice, lust and pride are among the foci of their attachment.

The suffering, living day-to-day, may grasp at their helpers, in oblique attachment. The y have yet to experience the living out of a dream, with squalor their sole memory. The plight of the oppressed can seem intractable, to outward-seeming. It is all too easy to kneel in pleading, not wanting to engage in righteous struggle. It is the rising, however, that engenders and sustains empathy. It is the fortitude, the joining of hands, that sustain the real adventure.

The signals are clear, when an oppressed soul stands and embarks on such adventure. The multitude gathers, moves forward in serried lines, and hope is their sole attachment. They walk along, forge past all obstacles, and bathe one another in empathy. In time, the victories, no matter how fleeting, build a treasury of memory. The triumphs fuel, and the setbacks harden, the boldness of struggle. Then, there will be a measure of unity, between inner perception and outward-seeming.

All in all, what is past is prologue, and what is to be, generates from memory. The chef who cooks recollection, needs a fresh supply of struggle. There is no daylight, in the end, between inner perception and outward-seeming.

Purists may bemoan the relative lack of iambic pentameter, but such is life.

Mere Conversation

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Posted by on in collaborating, distraction issues, Inspiration, Personal goals, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Travel

February 18, 2019-

Upon returning from southern California, I reflected on three conversations I had there, yesterday and today.

The matter of personal finance is a tricky one.

One must, however, listen to and take the best

from all schools of thought,

then apply to own circumstances.

Travel is a broadening experience.

It must not, however, be done in

an undisciplined manner,

nor in lieu of a more challenging

and necessary course of business.

No matter how far one is from

a place where one is meant to be,

there will appear a connection,

between people and things that

are important in a home situation,

and those who are encountered

in another place,

which one is meant to visit.

At breakfast this morning,

in a place called Gramma’s  Country Kitchen,

where I have sat, numerous times,

at the counter,

and enjoyed a warm meal,

with an even warmer welcome,

I heard another voice of reason.

He said that building barriers,

and setting rules for air and water,

in one place,

will not amount to a hill of beans,

when across a short distance,

conditions opposite to one’s own,

exist aplenty.

I bid farewell to Mr. Wing,

and drove, without incident,

to the place I call Home Base.

 

Glimmering

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Posted by on in Family, Personal Values, Poetry

November 9, 2018, Prescott-

I woke in  darkness,

both physical and emotional,

wondering what to do,

with a feeling of isolation.

“Well, self”, I have to say,

“you made the choice to live

far from birth family

and remain far from

family- by- marriage.”

As the daylight glimmers,

and my prayers have been said,

I feel my heart is with

family in Florida,

in Korea,

and those clustered

in Massachusetts,

in Pennsylvania

and in Georgia.

We are scattered to the winds,

yet there is still not  a day,

without some sort of connection.

You are always in my heart.

Connectedness

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Posted by on in Personal goals, Social

In the various stretches of downtime which I was given these past several days, I read the book, “Proof of Heaven”, by Eben Alexander, a psychiatrist who experienced a particularly acute Near Death Experience, a few years ago.  It is notable that he saw the intense interconnectedness of subatomic particles during his time in coma.  This very phenomenon has been documented, in the past few years, by Quantum Physicists.  It underscores the absolute relatedness of all things, both moving and inert.

I had lots of time to think about this aspect of our life.  Indeed, it is the most basic feature of all life in the Universe, at all levels.  This brings me to a confirmation:  All life seeks connection to all other life.  Let’s stick to how this might apply to human beings, for the present.

I drew a few conclusions about our relations with one another.  First, when people seek connection with others, we are persistent in various ways.  It is the longing for connection that spurs criticism, clinginess, flirting, awkward approach, the furtive glance, officiousness and lack of boundaries.  These behaviours represent our sense that we are connected, while remaining uncertain as to just how this is so.  Thus, we engage in trial and error.

Second, although each of us may indulge in one or another of these behaviours, we are put off by those who exhibit them towards us.  This is perhaps because, as one child once said, “We GET it!”  Each of us has the basic spiritual sense that we are one with all else.  We don’t need, or want, someone to overwhelm us with more than the natural flow of contact.  We don’t like to have insecurity, either our own, or another’s, interrupt the flow.

Third, perhaps the overriding purpose of this life, which is to know and love God (or the Creative Force, Om, or whatever you wish to call the One Who generated all things), is indeed a series of trials and errors- from which each of us needs to draw lessons which will serve us well, throughout the course of our own eternities.

Finally, as to why some people seek separation- perhaps this is a natural, if counterproductive, reaction to being repeatedly hurt by those with whom we have interacted, and who, for reasons of their own, have failed to understand what we need.

I came away from this read and meditation far more at peace with those around me, and far less inclined to feel put off by, or exhibit, behaviours such as those I mentioned in the first paragraph.  Life remains a glorious set of challenges and growth spurts.