May 11, 2016, Chino Valley- I went up here, today, and will again tomorrow, to fulfill a promise I made, before getting the long-term assignment at Prescott High School. It gives me a chance to continue the friendships I was fortunate to establish, before leaving the little school, just before Christmas.
I have thought a lot about what my place actually is, in this tempestuous time. All my life, quite honestly, I have felt good about putting other people ahead of myself, and have not suffered as a result. This continues; my own needs are actually minimal.
Occasional melancholy creeps in, and I think of those I love, intensely, even in my own family, who have no idea how to love me back. I have to remind myself that there are others, whom I have not loved back. Part of the grieving process, for me, at least, has been keeping something of a lock on my heart. When I have unlocked it, and reached out, it’s most often been at the wrong time, toward the wrong person, and BAM goes the hammer.
It’s a circular logic, I know, that has to stop with me. So, I make an earnest, solemn vow to renew the commitment to having no expectations of anyone, other than myself. It’s a process, and can be a rewarding one. That, alone, is what gets me up in the morning, and keeps me looking forward to the next chapters.