Category Archives: Inner Struggles

Actual Vacation, Day Two

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal goals, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Travel

November 21, 2023, Grapevine- There is a small gym here, at Terrawood. It has about half of the Full Body exercise machines that we have at Planet Fitness, back at Home Base 1. So, I got in some elliptical work, leg stretches and curls, chest presses and shoulder presses-as well as getting the steps in, right after a hearty meal of bulgogi with gochu-jong (hot pepper paste), over rice. Snacks and meals are faithfully followed by exercise here. There is even a nieghbour who works her treadmill on the front porch.

I am definitely happy that there is more emphasis on both eating healthily and exercising regularly, in this suburban Dallas community. Even shopping does not have to be a sedentary affair: Grapevine Mills is right across the street from four of the apartment complexes that line the boulevard.

There is no set agenda this week, so naturally, I used some time to reserve rooms and ferry space, for next May’s Atlantic Canada visit. This is more because the spaces fill up fast, for places like St. Pierre & Miquelon and Twillingate. At any rate, those ships will sail, with me on board. (The main event, a milestone for the Baha’i community of Eskisoni, on Unamaki/Cape Breton, is the post around which all these other plans revolve.)

This ship is floating nicely, also with me on board. “John Adams”, courtesy of the late David McCullough, is here at my side. My little family is forging ahead, with their respective goals, the work week being suitably short, before America’s de facto second National Day. The main thing, for me, is that everyone close to me has their personal agency intact. That is what will generate a feeling of inner peace, and eventually an atmosphere of understanding and good will shall return.

As we prepare for whatever form people choose to express gratitude, I want to express my appreciation for the First Nations people, like the Osage, who are still here-despite all attempts to shove them aside, as is depicted in “Killers of the Flower Moon”. Manipulators and thieves are ever with us, and will ever claw their way to the top, unless we learn to discern-and make it an integral part of who we are, as individuals and as communities.

The Sandbox

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Posted by on in Assistance, Community, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Service Activities, Slow Food Prescott, Social, Spiritual, Striving

November 18, 2023- So often, the most difficult person is who needs love the most.

When I was a child, my siblings and I had a fine sandbox, with plenty of quality, durable playthings. We shared it with everyone in the neighbourhood. No one was excluded. I knew what it felt like to be shoved to the sidelines, and left out. I was determined to not be that kind of person, in my own dealings with others.

Today,a small team of us went about a city that is 2 1/2 hours west of here, and installed smoke detectors in homes of those who requested them. Fifteen households were visited; fourteen of those who requested the implements were grateful. One household was not-for reasons that are best left unsaid. Chances are, the smoke detectors will end up save the life of our detractor. The most difficult person needs love the most.

This evening, I pulled myself together and went to the concert of a dear friend, at a favourite venue. Someone I know, and fairly trust, as an acquaintance, came in and asked to sit at my table. I was glad to see this person, who is fairly popular and influential in town. After a time, I started to feel discomfort, almost as if I didn’t belong in the situation. I focused on my friends’ music and danced about a bit. The most difficult person needs love the most-but in this case, I am not at all certain that my support and caring would be either welcome or accepted. By the end of the evening, and for the first time since I moved to Prescott, in fact, I feel like my status in the community is very much in jeopardy-and I will have to step back for a while. Red Cross, the Farmers Market (to some extent) and Slow Food are safe spaces-but the places I have visited and treasured, like the venue where my friends performed tonight, don’t feel so safe right now.

The most difficult people need love the most, but they can do a lot of damage along the way-especially when they wield a lot of influence. I can only hang on, the best I can.

Hours of Power

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Entertainment, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal goals, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

November 11, 2023- Settling in, to enjoy ninety minutes of pulsating, original rock songs, by one of Prescott’s most pulsating, original bands-The CheekTones, I was pleasantly surprised when two young ladies I had not seen before sat themselves at the table, joined, for good measure,a few minutes later by two of their male classmates, then by a shyer, more reticent girl.

The first two asked me general questions about my day, and how I enjoyed The Raven-and the CheekTones. It turned out they were mostly there to support one of the boys who was playing a song with Don Cheek and his band. The kid can play! His parents were there, for the moment-as were these classmates. The girls spoke a bit about their after school jobs-shopping cart jockey, beverage pourer at a local burger joint and juice bar attendant. The boys had nothing to say. Then we all turned our full attention to the band.

Don has had a band presence here, at least since I moved up from Phoenix, in 2011. He has been mentoring young musicians for probably twice that long. He inspired, and supports, another local band, Scandalous Hands, who appear regularly at The Raven, as well. The two bands do 95% of their performances in Prescott clubs and outdoor venues-going, every so often, to Sedona or to Parker, on the Colorado River. Such energy conservation has its benefits-and is rather common, to local bands. It’s a huge reason why their performances here tend towards the intense, the explosive and are so inspirational to young artists.

The kids excused themselves, after forty minutes or so, to go do teen-specific activities. They popped back in one more time, towards the end of the concert, just so I wouldn’t think it was because of me that they left the first time. Nah-I was there once, long ago. It was good they stopped back in, though. I had the young guitarist’s finger warmers on the table and would not have been able to return them, save through Don-who has enough to concern himself.

There was a lot of power in the air today. It is categorized, by astrologers and cosmic advisers, as an Eleven Master Day-meaning that its digits, 1+1+1+1+2+2+3, add up to eleven. A pair of ones, written side by side, are also seen by the mystics as being pillars of both male and female energy.

Today was Veterans Day, and there was a long parade, part of which I watched, before heading to Farmers Market, to tend to the only service day I could offer there, this month. In early evening, I sat in on a Healing Devotional, hosted by someone who was attacked last month. She is on the mend, though, and is still working with police in her community, to try and locate her assailant, before another attack happens.

Each of these events had a power of its own, as did the initial responses to my joining subgroups of nextdoor.com. It has never been easy for me to accept compliments and positive views from others, but that is changing-at long last. It does not have to conflict with personal modesty-and is good for building the energy flow that I need, in order to accomplish what lies ahead, both here and further afield. One friend says my travel is foolish, but deep down inside, I think she is only masking her own wish for a more expansive life, something that those who controlled her life for so long would never allow.

Each of us can move ahead, and as long as we support one another, in our struggles with our own egos and with those who would try to stifle us, for their own ends.

Different, but Not Blind

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Posted by on in collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Hiking and Nature, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Travel

November 10, 2023- An old friend, who I hadn’t seen for a while, regarded me with some concern: She remembered me as a chunky, 186-pounder. I am now 30 lbs lighter, which I fear may have triggered memories of her late husband, in his last stages of life-and the anniversary of his departure is two weeks after Thanksgiving. My weight reduction, which has about six more pounds to shed, is intentional, and the recent bout with the flu aside, there is no medical evidence of any carcinogenic or pathological roots to the ongoing loss. I am just eating carefully and getting sufficient exercise and rest.

Still and all, my friend’s sensitivity, and the memory of her dear husband, need to be honoured. I will be stopping by her establishment a fair number of times, over the next several months-especially in December-mainly to listen. Tonight, the place was very busy, and our conversation was brief.

She had a question or two about my Philippine visit-her main interest being the young man I have been sponsoring-and the pair of basketball shoes that he was able to select for himself. She is not one who thinks much of travel for its own sake-a good many self-employed people have the same take, for obvious reasons. Making friends and building networks, which are also my own on-the-road focus, make sense to her.

Earlier today, Hiking Buddy and I took in Willow Lake, a smaller reservoir to the northwest of Watson Lake. It is separated from its larger mate, by the Granite Dells-whose western edge is also called Willow Dells. We focused on the west and south sides of the lake shore. HB’s interest in my trip was mainly in the places I visited with friends, the quality of my photos and what, if any, was the effect on my health. (Truth be known, it was coming back to an unheated house that led to last Friday’s flu crash. I am just glad it didn’t hit the contagious phase until well after my Red Cross activity on Friday morning, and that I had until Tuesday to recover).

Cottonwoods and bog grass, in autumn transition.
Great Blue Heron, in repose.

Between this hike and my visit to the small cafe, there was the small matter of a haircut. So, back to Fantastic Sam’s it was, and in a half-hour or so, I no longer looked like a charging barbarian. My new stylist had questions of her own about Manila. She has a great yearning to get out and see things-and is mostly wanting to learn from other cultures. I pointed out that most people have no issue with Americans, as individuals. It is always wise to be aware of one’s surroundings and to maintain boundaries-but that it true right here, also.

In looking back on the three ladies’ perspectives, I am reminded of the old fable about the five men and the elephant. Everyone, whether blind or sighted, has interests that differ from others. This was underscored by my filling out a profile, this morning, for Next Door.com Interest groups abound, under that umbrella group-so it will be a fascinating exercise in networking.

Correcting Missteps and Dodging Darkness

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Posted by on in Assistance, children, Education, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

November 8, 2023- I was told, flat-out, a few times yesterday, that if I knew what was good for me, I would follow the instructions about my own life that the stern-faced woman was randomly tossing out. Hmmmm- Where have I heard this before? What happened when I stuck to my own path? What further transpired, when I cut off contact with the previous angry personage? In each case, there was suffering- a slight injury, a job loss and a car accident, all of which happened to take place in the presence of a short, stern-faced woman, similar to the one who was warning me to toe the line, this time.

There is much that we don’t know about energy fields, and while I hardly believe that shape-shifting is actually a thing, it does seem strange that misfortunes in my life always are witnessed by a short, stout, angry middle-aged woman of narcissistic temperament. Nothing awful happened to me on the way home, yesterday, and while I made a foolish decision to unnecessarily yield at the end of an off-ramp, this morning, there was no consequence, other than a blared horn. I had, though, written down the wrong school at which to report.

Twenty minutes later, I was at the correct school, with the assigned students-enjoying a Veterans Day tribute. We went on to make progress on the kids’ science projects and math assignment. There have been, so far, no “dire consequences” for my not following “instructions”.

What to get from yesterday’s exchange? As the days, months and years roll on, what I need for my own well-being is to take more time to do things even more carefully, write appointments down in more than one place and give myself more time to get places, and more time in between events and activities. The angry narcissist who wants to save me from God knows what, will just need to find a different focus for her energies.

Achers Away

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Posted by on in Assistance, Community, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Striving, Travel

November 4, 2023- At first, my thought was “At long last, COVID”. Nope-the aches and flash fever were too familiar. It was that change of season flu, one more time. Someone, somewhere will shake their head and say, “There IS a flu shot, ya know”. Yes, there is-for the dominant strain(s) of influenza that the CDC has projected will be in the elements, for this particular season. It’s a crap shoot, and one that shortened the life of my father’s older brother, by maybe five years. The wrong strain of vaccine put Uncle George on oxygen and sidelined a vibrant, energetic soul. Science is most often inexact.

I have been selective about getting vaccinated, over the decades. COVID-19 was too vicious and too novel, so two injections went in my left arm, and I have not felt any change in my functioning or my behaviour, from either one. Tetanus and tuberculosis are two on which I stay current. The rest are, in my case, pretty much cash cows for Big Pharma, though I do recognize that others may need them. Being nearly 73, I don’t, as long as I keep up the daily doses of Lifelong Vitality supplements and maintain an active lifestyle.

That brings me to the Achilles heal: Keeping too tight a schedule. It caused headaches twice, on my recent trip to the Philippines. Having it to do over again, either there or on any long journey, I would allow more time, if taking a bus or train and would not schedule a flight the day after a long bus trip. Too many times, buses are slowed down by other traffic or by large numbers of passengers showing up, in a country town.

The second thing is: I will politely decline an invitation here at Home Base, the day after landing in Los Angeles or San Francisco. That is an element of people pleasing, which only ends up disappointing still other people-because I got sick from running on empty. We know to go slow, on the other end, and don’t overbook after landing in the foreign destination, but falling for the “friends and family are so excited to see you back” (mostly in my head), does nothing for either of us.

There are those who refer to every trip out of town as “vacation”, even if it happens once a month. They book no appointments, the day before leaving or the day after returning, even if it’s a road trip. Maybe they’re on to something.

Expanding Home, Day 17: Day of Relative Rest

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

October 26, 2023, Manila- I looked out the window of my 10th floor room, early this morning, and saw this:

Seen on top of a high rise condominium, Manila

What better way is there to start the day?

This was to be a day for security duty, so we will not be out and about much. We sat in the Center and studied a bit, but otherwise were still with our own thoughts, and watchful. It is a fairly quiet neighbourhood, by Filipino standards. That means that the motorcycles and tuk tuks still go back and forth, and toot for the fight of way, and people are constantly back and forth, on foot-but there is no drama and few people coming to the door, to ask for food or money.

I got fresh insight into my long-range guidance and the resultant plans, from now until 2030, with the primary notion that family needs trump even the most worthy of Baha’i-based travel or Home Base activities. That ought to be true, for everyone, everywhere, but this is not a perfect world. The news came, this morning, on a Baha’i Zoom call, that a gunman-apparently mentally ill, had killed 18 and wounded 13, in an enraged attack on bowling alley and bar, in the small city of Lewiston, Maine.

I have been through Lewiston, and neighbouring Auburn, several times, but have not stopped there for any length of time. Nonetheless, my heart melts at the horror the people there must be feeling. All of this is due, essentially, to the view that the mentally ill deserve to be able to defend themselves, under the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution. I beg to differ-in that a schizophrenic’s or manic depressive’s idea of self-defense is often based on delusional thinking. The attacker in today’s shootings told his family, not too long ago, that he was hearing voices in his head. In my family, the minute such a statement was made, there would be securing of weapons-not just firearms, but knives, nunchucks/stars,even 2 x 4s. The afflicted one would be kept as safe as possible, but not on his/her own. Those who insist otherwise, in the name of a conservative interpretation of freedom, are themselves engaged in delusional thinking.

There is no rest, in Lewiston, in Gaza, in southern Israel, in Darfur, or in any of two dozen other places where violence and rage are the norm. So, here we rest, and count our blessings.

Expanding Home, Day 13: Two Family Circles

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Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Community, Family, Inner Struggles, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Travel

October 22, 2023, Paranaque- Traffic in Manila, on Sunday, is about what one would expect: Vehicles can actually move at more than 23 kmh. I got to the Baha’i National Center, in the Santa Ana section of Manila, in less than an hour. I was the first visitor to arrive, and was again warmly greeted by the residents. After a fashion, nearly fifteen other people showed for the devotional, we shared prayers, news from around the Philippines and refreshments. A feisty child alternated between boisterousness and reverence. Several of the Regional Council members were in and out of their own meeting, to dovetail with participating in the devotional.

Gathering at Baha’i National Center of the Philippines, Santa Ana, Manila

It all felt like a gathering at Home Base. It felt like home, and so it will be for the week ahead, especially once I transfer to University College Residences, the redundantly-named, but compact and ecologically-state of the art accommodations, a stone’s-throw from the Center. The ladies who live at the Center, serving as hosts and caretakers, are like younger sisters. The young man who is serving in the Philippine Navy is a mirror of my Navy-veteran son. The parents of the rambunctious little boy could be one of my nephews and nieces-in-law, whose son has gone from unruliness to morphing into a sensitive little man, compassionate about animal welfare and the well-being of his grandfather. The universality of the Baha’i Faith is always borne out by its members, as ordinary, and as flawed, as we sometimes are. It is borne out, as well, by our adherence to the principle: The Oneness of Mankind.

There is something of that, too, in how I have come to see the little community of Airplane Village, the collection of shops, restaurants, small hotels and a bar, that sit opposite the huge operation that is Terminal One, the primary International Terminal of Ninoy Aquino International Airport. The terminal itself has the feel of a family operation. In going back and forth between hotel and the terminal’s ATM (the Philippines is largely, mostly, a cash economy) I have come to be a familiar face to the gate guards and security people-in a good way. They have shown me the shortcuts to and from AV, and are not concerned about checking my passport each and every time I enter the facility.

Going back and forth between Airplane Village and Santa Ana’s Barangay 176, the past few days, is also a mirror of my larger life-somehow managing to fit in at Home Base, with my biological family and with people who make up extended family-across North America and now, in a real sense, across the ocean.

The Earth itself is becoming one big home.

Expanding Home, Day 10: Sojourner’s Progress

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Family, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal goals, Personal Values, Social, Striving, Travel

October 19, 2023, Paranaque, National Capital Region, PI- Richard, a tuk-tuk driver, taught me my first word of Tagalog: Salamat, which means “Thank you”. There is no more essential word or phrase to learn, in any language. Filipinos are fastidious in saying “Thank you so much”, and I have followed suit in that regard. Now, Salamat po, the same thing in Tagalog, may be offered, and I will learn other words and phrases, as the days go by.

Several of us who passed through security, at Naga Regional Airport, this morning, were screened twice-once upon entry to the terminal and again upstairs. This appears to be the Marcos Administration’s response to the terror attacks in Israel, and I am grateful to the government for not taking any chances. Furthermore, mobile food vendors have been moved out of the terminal and flights are cleared for boarding, as soon as all passengers are on board-regardless of whether the schedule calls for waiting until a prescribed time.

As a result, we got back to Aquino International Airport 27 minutes early. I was given special permission to take a shuttle bus from Terminal 4 to Terminal 1, as Manila Airport Hotel is “within the periphery” of the latter terminal. It pays to be known as respectful and cooperative, when the authorities are reasonable in their procedures. Once at terminal 1, I made the five-minute walk down the outside ramp, across the parking lots and over to the hotel. Check-in was immediate, and so was my shower.

Comparing this journey to my last solo trip across an ocean-to Europe, in 2014, I can say that the foibles and floops have both gone down, in frequency and severity. I have not done anything that left a bad impression, nor have acted like a bull in a china shop-this time. Most of this can be ascribed to the shedding of much grief that remained after Penny’s passing. It is also from having learned from mistakes made in Europe and taking care to be more measured and careful in my day-to-day interactions. Then again, nine years of life have had a maturing effect, in and of themselves. Even the brief, family-centered visit to South Korea, in 2019, had moments when I felt rushed, and had to slow myself down. I am just calmer now, in any event.

This trip is a dry run, to see if I am able to handle the thinking on one’s feet that come with travel in an emerging nation. So far, so good.

Expanding Home, Day 4: Food for Thought, in the Sky

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Entertainment, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving, Travel

October 13, 2023, T’aipei- Today was “short”, on the ground, due to having crossed the International Date Line, while flying here from San Francisco. In reality, the energy of Friday the 13th, to me always proactive, feminine- and never unlucky, played out in full-even as the clock, here in Taiwan’s capital, said it was 5:30 a.m., Japan-Taiwan Time, on October 14.

Most of it was spent in the air, above the Pacific Ocean, between the westernmost part of Alaska, (or which the International Date Line is significantly bent to the southwest, to accommodate the Aleutian Islands, and the easternmost part of Russian Siberia), and this resilient city that maintains its Mandarin Chinese character, while keeping developmental pace with its larger sibling to the west.

I’m tired, so this will be relatively brief. It is important to note that the quality of time spent in the air is just as important to character, as time spent in active pursuits on the ground. I chose three movies to view, each of which had life lessons to impart.

“Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny” was a sillier film than the first four, but does have a caution to impart about the consequences of unbridled ego-with the fate of a neo-Nazi “Second Fuhrer” inextricably linked, to his overaching desire to play God. Indy himself is questioned by his reconciled wife, as to whether he is “back”, emotionally and physically.

“Close”, a Belgian film about the innocent, ill-fated friendship between two adolescent boys, examines sexually-charged bullying, living one’s life through others, and the sometimes feckless behaviour of adults who befriend children and try to treat them as equals. It deals with the consequences of suicide for a community, head-on, and pulls no punches.

“The Little Things”, a recent Denzel Washington crime-solving vehicle, deals with remorse, insecurity in marriage and parenthood-especially of fathers relating to daughters, and of one or more unbridled egos,leading to the undoing of one miscreant-and maybe those of both of his nemeses.

This was the first half of my eighth trans-Pacific round trip. I spent it seated next to an intrepid, very large, woman, who is headed even further than me. As always has happened up to now, we looked out for one another-and for the flight attendants, who were always rushing about and, it seems, running into tired passengers who had to get up and move aside for one another. Oh, the joys of conflicting legitimate pursuits.

There were no bad guys on this plane-except on screen.