Category Archives: Inner Struggles

The Carson Loop, Day 5: Swimming through Chaos

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, Hiking and Nature, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Social, Striving, Travel

October 19, 2022, Garden City, ID- I bid farewell to the wonderful family at Three Bears Inn, around 10 a.m., after hearing of their evening at an indoor water park, followed by star gazing. Being with a large and well-grounded family is always a delight. I look forward to the same experience in Carson City, with a longtime extended clan, in a few days. This, more than scenery and interesting buildings, is the bedrock of travel.

Three Bears Inn, St. Anthony, ID

Several years ago, an unfortunate incident took place, in Rexburg, just down the road. I decided that, one day, I was going to stop in Rexburg and give love from my heart, to the people who acted out, because they felt forgotten by the country at large.

It was a quieter visit than I had intended, but I did get a view of foliage, near the city’s hospital, before moving along, towards the towns along Idaho’s southern tier. Me

Douglas firs, in Rexburg city park
Red oaks, downtown Rexburg, ID

That, as it turned out, was about the extent of the camera’s work for the day. I dealt largely with chaos, both a momentary internal state- trying to make sense of the route westward, with my phone’s internet being on the blink, most of the day, and of that which stems from a region faced with growing pains, as Idaho’s southern tier is now experiencing.

Idaho Falls is the home of Melaleuca Corporation, the original purveyor of essential oils, in modern times. It’s entrance is right next to the on-ramp to I-15 south, so I was momentarily off-track. Then, in Blackfoot, 20 miles south, there is a rather large Sonic-type mom and pop drive-in burger shop, at which half of the ordering speakers happen to be on the passenger side of the parking space. A Shoshone woman, parked next to me, looked at me, then at the speaker, and shook her head. I think the idea was to have two speakers on the same stand, but it just doesn’t work, at least for a solo traveler. I left without ordering, which was okay, as breakfast at Three Bears was enough to get me through the day.

I located the westward route in Pocatello, home of Idaho State University, going through more heavy traffic which, once I was out of town, almost completely dissipated. On along I-86/84 I continued, stopping for a stretch and photograph at Oregon Trail Rest Area.

Oregon Trail Rest Stop, near Massacre Rock, ID

I drove into Massacre Rocks State Park, only to find it closed at 3:30. The site of one of Idaho’s more unfortunate events, a battle between westward-bound emigrants and a band of Shoshone people, resulting in the deaths of 8 emigrants and 20 First Nations people, Massacre Rocks also tells the story of Lake Bonneville and its feeder rivers, one of which had four times the flow of the Amazon River.

Twin Falls, an hour further west, brought dinner at Sizzler, an old standby. A personable and attentive server, named Jessica, took good care of me, and of a large group of hearing-impaired people, who were on a group outing. TF is reached by crossing a wide gorge of the Snake River, which would be a fine place to investigate further, should I come this way again.

As it was, the time had come to get to Boise for the night. I happened upon 7 K Motel, in this suburb called Garden City, around 8 p.m., too late for another Zoom meeting, but safely nonetheless.

Sharing

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Family, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal goals, Personal Values, Social, Striving

October 14, 2022- Once upon a time, three of us went trick-or-treating.

We were never out of each other’s sight,

stayed clear of any house whose lights were off,

and had no worries about bullies trying to raid our stashes.

When we got home, all three stashes were dumped on the dining room table.

Mom and Dad went through the pile, with fine toothed combs,

looking for signs of tampering.

They never found any, but I am grateful to this day that they did this.

I was raised to share, to not hoard.

“This is myyyyiin!” seldom, if ever, came out of my mouth.

If it did, the soap bar was at the ready.

Grown, a long time ago, I still share-my time, my energy

and, to the extent that is prudent, my money and my thoughts.

I try not to overshare. Friends and family have enough going on.

Being a burden to anyone is not my style.

Economy Kick

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal goals, Personal Values, Social, Striving

October 12, 2022- When we were kids, there would occasionally be times when Mom would announce to us that the family was on an economy kick. That was about the extent of our involvement in family finances, but we knew that costs were outweighing income, and not to ask for anything extra. We got three meals a day, without fail, the house was comfortable and well-kept, and the clothes were always clean. Not much else really mattered, even to me, in the throes of autism, of which I knew nothing.

I had to manage a household, myself, during Penny’s decline, and through being frugal, managed to keep 3-6 people fed and comfortably housed, even while working through Chapter 7 and the uncertainties of the housing crisis, combined with medical costs. The economy kick came, almost with its physical counterpart- when an Arizona state employee came to the house and demanded I turn over Penny’s care, and her benefits checks, to the state. It didn’t happen.

Every so often since, frugality has been my answer to the forces of greed and deprivation, when they stage assaults on our well-being. I know that the financial markets, being global entities, are not cash cows, so when they get raided, I know to tighten the belt. This is what I am doing now, though it may not look like it when I head up to see friends in Nevada and Idaho, in a few days. The thing is, I don’t cancel plans to visit people, just because the powers that be are trying to take us all down a notch.

I do keep my spending to a dull roar, and am quite happy even sitting in the apartment, watching shows and reading. A foray or two to Planet Fitness, or to the neighbourhood park, works nicely, as does a walk downtown. In time, these ebbs will return to being flows, as they always do. Someday, too, the controllers of the purse will realize that prosperity for the masses of people does not mean they themselves must go without. It is not a zero sum game. In the meantime, I will continue use my funds wisely, as ever.

I’m With the Humans

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

October 11, 2022- In the past several days, we have seen a Black man attacking Jews, Hispanics attacking Blacks and Koreans, a Samoan attacking everyone who disagrees with her, and some Whites, well ……..

I attended a Poll Chaplain training this afternoon, reminding myself that when one group gets shut out, we all lose; both those on the outside and those emulating the role of the character in “Game of Thrones” who holds the door against his perceived enemies. Besides, it’s largely orchestrated by people wielding a sort of power, who know how to manipulate the fears of one group of domination by another. The scene that ensues is people fighting over crumbs.

The poll chaplain is one who helps reassure voters and poll workers that they are safe from harm, and to comfort those who are feeling under attack, while at the polling place. If I am selected for this role, it will mean three hours of my time, on Election Day-most likely in Flagstaff. I will refrain from taking sides, but will stress the humanity of those present.

I believe the Divine does not intend for any of his creatures to be left out of the full process of living. I’m with the humans-without exception.

What If..?

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Posted by on in Assistance, collaborating, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

October 9, 2022-

What if there was a holiday, and everyone stayed in bed?

What if the day off had no theme, or everyone just made their own?

What if every gift you had in mind for loved ones just sat, and accumulated, because they were too busy to see you?

What if, on the other hand, there were commitments you made, months ago, and people come to you anyway, with urgent requests that necessitate schedule changes-and broken promises?

I have had these situations crop up, and have had to gently point out that each day needs some organization, some effort at accomplishing at least the daily necessities. It occurs to me that every day, whether workday or holiday, brings interaction with others, and that courtesy and self-responsibility, never take days off. It also comes to mind that people who insert themselves into other peoples’ lives are either not thinking matters through, and are either being coyly disruptive, or at least passive-aggressive.

I am much better, in my own space, at not wanting center stage in someone else’s play, and in, conversely, gently guiding people away from making random requests that are solely designed to get my attention-when I am already in a committed activity.

The Return of October

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Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Community, impediments, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

October 8, 2022- The Hunter’s Moon shines tonight, full in its pronouncement of the northern Autumn and the southern Spring. The northern hunter would traditionally seek out the fattest of prey, for his family’s sustenance through the winter. The southern hunter would discern the robust male of the sought-after prey, sparing the female who would be with offspring.

The past several tenth months of the year have been hot, and better characterized as AUG-tober. Not so, this year. I feel a genuine crispness in the air, and even when the dry weather returns, around the middle of this month, the temperatures are not forecast to rise to an unseasonable level. This may be a respite, a boon from the Divine, given the harshness that has hit so many, this year of feminine energy coupled with an almost inhuman push back, from the traditional sources of authority.

Those of us who genuinely act from a place of truth and love are learning more ways in which to apply that truth and love, in anomalous settings. These include the times when someone just does not want to be bothered with us. Do they not also deserve the dignity of space? They include the times when people want the chance to make their own mistakes. Do they not deserve our loving admonitions, and efforts to protect those innocent of wrongdoing, form being harmed by the mistakes of the recalcitrant?

The little boy wandered into a group of high schoolers, who were waiting to place their orders in the crowded entryway of the sandwich shop. He was looking for his mother, calling out for her, and throwing up his hands in forlorn frustration. As he neared the exit to the outside, a group of girls kept the door closed, and one of their counselors followed the child, not letting him out of her sight, until the mother was located.

Problems arise, and are best solved by the energy emanating from love and light.

In The Presence of Excellence

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Posted by on in Assistance, children, collaborating, Education, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Striving

October 6, 2022- The little guy was too put off by a work page that was way too crowded and busy for a person with his special needs, so he got under his desk. A classmate said that was where B went, when he got rattled or scared.

The lead teacher has known these students for six weeks, and directed the child and his paraprofessional to a much easier page. Fortunately, the children have alphabet charts and number lines, to back them up, when working on such pages.

The class has the benefit of being led by the above-mentioned teacher, who has a unique blend of intellectual skills, flexible mindset and a keen sense of when to show gentleness or firmness. He has four paraprofessionals working with him: One who has been in the class for over twenty years. One, who recently came on board, has strong native intelligence, as to devising activities that challenge the students at a very basic level, along with an entertaining mode of delivery, after years in the sales profession. The other two are gentle, personable and confident.

All in all, the atmosphere has evolved into one of excellence, appealing to the students’ own sense of self-worth, which is not always a given, in a special needs class. This, in turn, leads to the students wanting to do things on their own and refusing any situation that would contribute to a sense of helplessness. I can think of two kids who sorely needed that change of situation. The teacher will not cater to them, when they do lapse into a mindset of helplessness, though he does not push them beyond their emotional state. The bar remains high, and when they have returned to recovery mode, he gets them to finish their tasks.

It was a fine thing to see a classroom of this magnitude, having been in others where the student/teacher ratio is too high, the structural and expectation levels low and/or at least one staff member is disgruntled, either with the children or with co-workers.

The Vagaries of Choice

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Posted by on in children, collaborating, Community, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

October 4, 2022- I once happened by a small corral, occupied by two full-grown horses. Someone who was nearby said that while the animals were well-fed, they were never let out of the corral. He wondered how they were still able to move around. We both wondered how the animals were experiencing life.

I thought about that today, when someone replied to my comment on a post by a nationally-known columnist. She took a different view from mine, but thanked me for correcting an earlier comment she had made, which left her looking ignorant. I feel that is the least one can do for another; not because I am above her in intellectual stature, but because no one should sacrifice dignity for lack of information. It does not matter so much how someone views life, as how they express that viewpoint.

I thought of her objections to the practices of a certain religion. I then thought of my own struggles with certain aspects of spirituality. The struggles that each of us have, because of free will, invariably pit our search for quality of life in this physical plane against our sense of what lies afterward. So many, including the person mentioned above, seem to equate this life with the afterlife. I certainly used to.

Time has brought lessons that have made me see way beyond the comeliness of a woman, the seemingly charmed lives of some friends and neighbours, the gregariousness of a person who appears to be wildly popular. Any one of those people could tell stories of loss and despair, some of which would exceed any troubles I myself have known. While I was sitting and waiting for my meal, this evening, a very pretty young lady told of recently going through exactly the same situation I experienced in September, 2021: Being 50% at fault for a car wreck. We make some choices that benefit us, and others that put us through the wringer. This life spares no one.

So, what is the point of free will? I would say, in my limited understanding, that it is a series of opportunities for each of us to hone our spiritual attributes-Love, patience, courtesy, honesty, forbearance, generosity, trustworthiness, and many others. I would say it is a series of opportunities to prepare for a far more intense life of the spirit, once the body is left behind.

I can choose for no one else, save the incapacitated and the very young. No one else can choose for me.

At What Cost?

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Posted by on in collaborating, Community, distraction issues, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Matters of Faith, Personal Values, Service Activities, Social, Spiritual, Striving

October 3, 2022- The obviously disgruntled man, having finished his meal, offered his solution to what he viewed as the incompetence of those working in social institutions- in essence, ‘Put them out of their misery’. Of course, he was watching, with a puckish grin, to see if I showed any sign of being shocked. I was not, and did not.

The extreme “solutions” being put forth by certain elements on the fringes of society are given more cachet, by many people who know better, than they will ever deserve. The result, if their impulses are transmuted into action, will be a severe disruption of society-and will make January 6, 2021 seem like a walk in the park. It will also not end in the way they think.

The man in question is not in a position to bring havoc to bear on many people. He is homeless and disabled, and no doubt, those factors contribute to his animus towards people in positions of authority, in business as well as in government. We, on the Monday evening feeding crew, work to at least provide a measure of solace to those who have known nothing but grief, from a good many who are in decision-making situations. Anger, especially among those who are fairly well-educated, but who have been dealt a poor hand, does not spring out of nowhere. The man quoted above knows his Bible, chapter and verse. He also has watched many videos on the Gaia Network, and has made some connections between the two.

Misdirected or misapplied knowledge, from any direction, can bring about changes in society. Yet will the changes result in the betterment of society, or end up costing us all far more than even the perpetrators of those changes bargained.

“The betterment of the world can be accomplished through pure and holy deeds and through commendable and seemly conduct.”-Baha’u’llah

How She Saw Things

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Posted by on in Assistance, children, Family, impediments, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Spiritual, Striving

September 30, 2022, Flagstaff- Today would have been Penny’s 68th birthday. She would have joined me in cringing, if anyone said sixty-eight YEAR anniversary. We were of one mind, about language purity, and if anything, she was more adamant about precision, when it came to names of people and things.

She saw beauty in most things, although acts of racism and sexism were called out for what they were. She struggled, mightily, to throw off her own vestiges of prejudice, and would have made overcoming “white fragility” a major focus of her life, had she been here when it rose as a social construct.

The most important creatures in her life were animals, especially dogs. People could be the source of disappointment and letdown, but dogs and horses were blameless. Cats were outside animals, and they could come and go at will, but dogs were a source of comfort. Horses were the epitome of nobility, and visits to her horse-owning parents most often meant a ride or two, until she could ride no more.

She would be happy at what women and girls have achieved, in terms of resisting paternalism. Although she, like me, abhorred the idea of abortion, she would have remained adamant that it was the woman’s ultimate choice-not to be relegated to others, especially men. She was of a mind to challenge and argue with doctors, when she saw fit. That, besides the undying respect I had for her judgement and dignity, was why she kept primacy over decisions to be made regarding her health. She was a steadfast advocate for holistic health practices and organic foods. I have tried to keep the faith, in that respect.

She had a strong love for children, and fought with herself-a lot, to put their well-being above her urge towards ego-centrism, the legacy of having been raised as a “princess”. This didn’t do her health any favours, but she was a good mother to Aram, and a fine wife to me. She was also a strong and dedicated teacher, even at the end-when declining health and unsympathetic administrators made her professional life a nightmare. The children always came first.

I like to think she would approve of my autumnal years, and how they are playing out. I get inklings, every now and then, like the image of a spirit that appears on the wall calendar, as if to say, “You are not alone”.