(This is the third of nine reflections on a spiritual journey I have been taking, and some of the  human struggles that have been concurrent to the journey.)

Neil Finn wrote this phrase, relative to a long-forgotten personal struggle of his own.  I tend to do this all the time, working hard to solve my friends’ problems, while using inadequate resources. Today, I tried to get up to Colorado Springs, from western Oklahoma, in time for a mid-afternoon discourse with another Word Press friend. Leaving Enid at 8 AM, and having a sit-down breakfast in Laverne, OK, at 10, probably didn’t hurt my efforts too much, but somehow I ended up unequal to the task, and have to try and reschedule, before leaving the Front Range on Wednesday morning.

The key here seems to be getting over the adage, “Too many cooks spoil the broth.”  I have had several different viewpoints expressed to me, regarding my own foibles that have surfaced on this trip and other events associated with my posts.  Some of the viewpoints address people’s personal issues, and I have had to tell more than one individual to respect the privacy of others.  Nonetheless, for the most part, every living soul has a role to play in the unfoldment of human civilization.  Some destroy aspects of the community, which were probably untenable anyway.  Others build up new and stronger communal features.

I have good friends who set me straight on my own shortcomings, and I reserve the right to point things out to others, albeit in as nice a way as possible.  So, I do think the above-mentioned adage is often a false assumption.

There are, however, times when a person who has not been allowed to do things on his/her own, needs to be given the chance to try- perhaps to fail- at handling a personal issue, without the gang being all here.  The key is dignity, always self-worth.  I failed today, but I learned valuable lessons.  Other friends have tried, mightily, to resolve personal issues, and sometimes have not been successful.  To me, the fact that they each gave their struggles 100% of what is in them is what is most important.

The Higher Power will protect and rejuvenate the person who is in an honest struggle.  I am so proud of each and every one of my friends and family, who struggle on their own.  My son, my youngest living brother, my best friend among the living, and several of my better friends in Arizona, Illinois, Oklahoma, California and elsewhere have fought personal battles both on their own and in concert with others, and are doing their level best.  That’s all that matters, really.  God either gives us another chance to right our mistakes or brings people into our lives who can better help rectify things.

So, making the effort, even with inadequate resources, releases energy that will both bring the nettlesome problem into wider perspective and attach the issue to other, related matters, thus “killing several flies with one swat”, so to speak.  We owe it to one another to discern the difference between a matter which is best left to an individual to resolve and a highly intractable matter, requiring several points of view for resolution.

I am an acquired taste.  I have been so, for many years, partly because of mild autism and partly because I am an odd mix of the cerebral, the sensual and the spiritual.  My words often need a second, or third hearing or reading,because of this complexity.  Still, as I have been reminded by both well-meaning friends and by my own meditation, I am in no want of quality companionship and daily doses of love.

My angst of the past week has been mistaken by some observers as being a cry for physical intimacy.  The fact, though, is that I have been celibate,by faith and by choice, for the past four years.  I will not sully my dignity, or anyone else’s, by adding further details on that aspect of my life.

I have felt a high level of pain, largely because I am empathetic to the current sufferings of a very dear friend, in fact my best friend in the physical frame.  I have spoken of this often enough that I can leave that aspect alone as well.

Each of us, no matter how prosperous, how well-off we appear on the surface, has to undergo a certain level of angst and pain.  Without these, we settle for our lot, in an imperfect world, failing to realize the true reason for our physical existence, which is to know and love God.  If it seems this is difficult in the flesh, imagine doing it in the non-physical, spiritual realm which awaits us.  Just as none of us can ever completely understand even a fleeting glimpse of Who God is, to take the figurative, allegorical descriptions of the Spiritual Realm to heart,and conjure images of an infernal fire or a blissful paradise, is equally frivolous.  The time to focus on one’s virtues is now, not in the hereafter, where far more intense tasks probably await us.

Going back to the topic of emotional pain, I have found it circular in its course.  What starts out as a nettlesome problem for one person, quickly affects his/her significant other, family members, closest friends, advisers/mentors, and ripples out to the point where hangers-on, however well-meaning, get in over their heads.    The circle thus may become pain-inducing,well beyond its original scope.

The key to breaking a circle of pain is for one and all to turn to the Higher Power, whatever you perceive Him, Her  or It to be.  Whether God, the Unknowable Essence,the Holy Spirit, or the Universe, this Force, and only this Force, can heal the pain.  This is why I have gone to so many sacred places on my current journey.  I would not have done this so intensely, had my best friend not taken me aside and told me of the cause of her emotional pain.  I don’t regret trying to help her.  I would give my life for this woman.  She is not a physical diversion or a replacement for my departed spouse.  She is a thinking, feeling, virtuous human being, who has the ability to rise above her pain.  Likewise, her spouse has the ability to rise above his pain.  We all do, and we all deserve one another’s help, and the Power of Divine Assistance.  This is applicable to all, from the baby getting frustrated by hunger, to the victims of war in places like Syria, dodging daily bullets.

I do not care to hear about how good I have it, compared to others.  I know how well-off I am, and am grateful to God, to His Messenger, Baha’u’llah, to my angel, Penny and to all my sincere friends, for my relative good fortune.  This is not about me.  My current focus is on one person’s pain, and walking it back to all those in the circle, who are suffering, and getting a handle on what lessons may be learned, and how to move on, as a group.  I want my friend’s circle of pain to be broken- ENOUGH!

(This is the first of nine posts relative to some spiritual insights I have received while on the road and on the trails.)

All relationships have three aspects:  The regard one has for self, the regard one has for the other person and the regard the pair have for those around them.  I have thought a lot about these aspects, for the past five or six days.

Over the course of my life, I have had lots of “crushes” on girls and women, starting with when I was four, and thought a girl in the neighbourhood was cute, and most recently when I attended a Slow-Food USA regional meeting and was distracted by a tall, long-haired brunette with a very engaging personality.  The thing about crushes- most of you know the drill- is that sooner, rather than later, reality sets in, in the form of the receiver’s father, boyfriend or, in the most ambiguous situations, her husband.  I also have lots of friends, of both genders and sexual orientations, whom I love dearly, in a platonic or paternal way.

I have moved on from crushes, with no harm done to anyone.  My regard for myself stayed intact, I usually ended up with two friends, instead of one, and the Universe chuckled at Gary being at it again.

I have been really, seriously, in deep love only twice in my life.  Most of you know a fair amount about the first time.  Penny is still with me in my heart, and on my shoulder- advising me to be “dry in the ocean”- unaffected by the “oceans” of temporary poverty, fatigue, being misunderstood, getting lost on a trail, or being devoid of human company. Our marriage thrived, despite extreme adversity on occasion.  Most marriages undergo such challenges.  Ours were getting bad financial advice, her falling ill, our bankruptcy and our eventually having to put our house on the short-sale market.  I managed to keep her in the home, until the end of her earthly days.  It was a matter of dignity, as was our working together, consulting on almost everything, getting over disagreements almost as soon as we had them, and affirming our love for one another at least twice a day.  Terms of endearment flew back and forth between us, constantly each day, right up until the end.  I will see her again some day, in a far better world.

I did not set out, that windy, wet and cold night of December 6, 1980, in Zuni, NM, to meet the first love of my life.  It just happened.  It ran the course of initial attraction, casual dating, the building of a solid friendship, her working through a crush on a wealthier, more glamourous man, our getting back together, her realizing that she loved me, our wedding, some tempestuousness in the early years of wedlock, parenthood and my being her caretaker, for nearly eight years.

I did not set out, either, a year after Penny’s passing, to meet and be enamoured of yet another person.  Indeed, for the first year I knew the woman I now regard as my best friend in the world, I was not conscious of any strong feelings for her, other than that I was very, very happy when we were briefly together, and it was she whom i wanted to be the first to know when I hiked Bright Angel Trail to the Colorado River and back, on the same day.  She was in a good place, emotionally and in terms of her relationship with her significant other.

I was raised by loving parents, who taught me the sanctity of marriage and the need for both partners to do their absolute best, way beyond any concept of comfort zone.  The spouse’s feelings came first, then the welfare of the children, and the status of the family in the larger community.  My Mom and Dad loved us, one equally as much as the others. They loved each other best of all.

That was what brought my buried feelings to the surface, not long ago.  I had a fairly long talk with my friend, and learned she was not being treated with dignity and consideration.  My tendency with Penny, when she was disrespected by anyone, was to come to her defense.  It worked for her, because while she was incredibly intelligent and articulate, she was used to her father’s ferocious defense of her and her sisters.

The situation this time is far different.  For one thing, while I recognize that my feelings for my best friend are deep, indelible and that they are never going away, I have had to be more careful.  She is the second woman I have ever  loved totally and completely, outside of my biological family, and yet romance is a minor factor, if it is a factor at all.  There are, at present, other goals that concern us both, but which she, first and foremost, has to be the one to promulgate.  I can, and will, defend my best friend, if push comes to shove.  For the present, though, it’s her dignity and self-worth that need to be front and center.  I want, above all else, for this beautiful and powerful woman to realize her dreams.

As I was wandering among the sacred precincts of Medicine Wheel, Bear Lodge/Devils Tower, Harney Peak and Pipestone Quarries, over the past four days,  I kept getting the message that the Universe was not done with me yet, in terms of my relationships with women- that there could be as many as nine people, from Penny onward, who would be part of some sort of inner circle of spirit friends, between now and the day I pass to the next realm.  These women could be very old or very young.  Most would already have spouses or significant others, whose dignity and personal challenges would also require my due consideration.  Our relationships would be deep, and primarily spiritual, with physical attraction only a fleeting impulse.  Maybe that’s the larger lesson from the events of the past week or so.  I may very well never see my best friend again in this life, though I hope that’s not the case.  I know, however, that I will never be the same person I was before I met her, and that in itself is a comfort.

This brings me to redemption.  Christians take it on faith that Christ took care of the redemption of humanity, by His own sacrifice.  Baha’is believe that a Messenger of God offers His followers a path to redemption. I have had to redeem my worth countless times, over the years.  I have had plenty of help in that regard, from family members, real time friends, online friends and from my soul mate in the spirit world.  Ultimately, though, I have to be the one achieving redemption. So does each other person, in his or her own space.  My best friend needs to be away from me for the time being, so I am hoping she doesn’t see this until she is ready to read it.  Still, I needed to share my insights, and will continue to share them, regarding other aspects of my journey.   Until I see you again, if ever, I pray all the forces of the universe to light your way, my blessed and irreplaceable fellow traveler.