Category Archives: Inner Struggles

Labour Day Saturday

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Personal Values, Social, Uncategorized

September 3, 2016, Prescott-  How does one go about a fine day, with a cash shortage until Wednesday?  Well, I made sure there was plenty of food in the house, with a brief visit to the wonderful Prescott Farmers’ Market. A long-standing pile of recycling was divvied-up, among its various recipients.  A large pile of laundry  found cleanliness. I also paid off overdue bills from summer, the last period I will ever be without a steady flow of cash.  Of course, there will be a short few days of adjustment, as different ones present their charges, between now and the 7th.  That means one more windfall for the bank, but no matter- it’ll be the last such one.  I will tell  them not to spend it all in one place.  After the 7th of September, all’s well again.

My word is the most important thing.  I will go to the greatest of lengths to keep a promise.  That has meant other forms of deprivation, (social and with regard to time).  It all pays off in the end, when others keep their word to me.  I have, in any case, resolved to never again repeat the reneging on a promise, such as we had to execute in March, 2010.  Six months from this coming Saturday, my atonement from that broken promise will be complete.

Tonight found me at Planet Fitness, with a nearly empty exercise area.  It’s helping greatly; the belly that was getting ample over the summer is again shrinking steadily.  Of course, my return to regular hiking will also keep things in check, as will a renewed sense of portion control and no longer giving in to others pushing desserts on me, so that they themselves don’t feel guilty about indulging.  We could all do better, in that regard.

Tomorrow, I will enjoy two gatherings with friends, but then will come a climb up Juniper Mesa, and my first night hike in a couple of years.

 

The Balm that Simmers

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Posted by on in children, Inner Struggles, Personal goals, Personal Values, Spiritual, Striving

August 19, 2016, Prescott- For two weekends in a row, going to a “free” concert by a local band, named The Cheektones, has been a fine way to unwind from a work position that requires every ounce of my energy and commitment.  More about them, later.

Simply put, most people have little or no understanding of the troubled.  I have listened to, and worked with and around,  two conflicting agendas, both of whose proponents purport to want what’s best for the kids in our care.  I have operated, for forty years of work with children and youth, on a gradually-established, and continually fine-tuned, intuition and sensibility.  I made all manner of errors, my first three years of teaching, and learned from every one of them, while being remorseful over those who fell behind, or fell through the cracks.  Those of my early students who are still living are in their mid-fifties now.  Chances are, most of them have gone on and lived fairly complete lives.

Nothing remains in stasis, for very long.  My current small group of children are, more than even the average child, all about the moment- and it could be the polar opposite of the moment before- or that which lies straight ahead.  Some adult observers “recognize” chemical imbalance; others see “parental spoiling”; still others just know the pain- and want to heal.

I tend to be in the last category.  Most of you know, by now, of my own having grown up autistic, somewhere on the Asperger’s spectrum.  “Emotionally-handicapped” people are, therefore, special to me.  I want nothing more than to win their trust and help them grow into, at least, a position of functionality.

I have thus tended to find myself in classrooms where such children are placed, in a group.  This grouping is not ideal, either for the students, or for the (usually small) team of adults who work with said grouping.  Adults of a certain age also tend to bicker, openly, then are astounded at the insolence of the children.  This happens between spouses, ex-spouses, co-workers and supervisors/subordinates.  I, admittedly, have done my share of bickering, in various settings, over the years.

I got out of the circular chase by stopping myself, and just listening.  Being now in a workplace where I am allowed to say very little, in the presence of my immediate supervisor, albeit enjoying freer speech at school-wide meetings, I have grown ever more comfortable with just being still.  With the children, though, as I get to know them better, I can, and will, impart to them  a code of decency and respect, which many of them have not known, other than intuitively, in their all-too-brief lives.

It is this year’s primary task to bring balm to the sore,  to heal the simmering wound.

 

Interruption

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Posted by on in Assistance, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Spiritual, Striving

July 10, 2016, Newtown, CT-  In my subsequent posts, I will be doing a bit of time-reversal, focusing on stories of my journey, from last week.  Today, though, I found myself in the predicament of having to put my Nissan in the shop, here in this town that is associated with tragedy.  The engine was smoking, the radiator might have sprung a leak or two, and the coolant overflow tank definitely needs replacing.  I will deal with these things.  It may take two or three days, but I will handle it.

In the meantime, I will be in a hotel room, in nearby Bethel.  This will give me plenty of time to read and write.  I will reflect on the fact that, just three days ago, a mechanic at a Nissan dealership, in a town about 50 miles from here,  replaced the front exhaust pipe, which he said was clogged, with no mention of a radiator problem, or an oil leak. I will converse with one of my closest friends, about whatever cash flow system can be set up, to streamline the payment part of this whole process.  I will write about the things I’ve seen and people whose company I have enjoyed, up to this point.  I will catch up on my reading.

All the while, I will reflect on the lives of the 26 people who paid the ultimate sacrifice, four years ago, this December.  I might lose a car, and have to get another one, but it is a machine.  Most of those who died at Sandy Hook Elementary were just starting out in life.  Being actually killed was the furthest thing from their minds.  That is no longer the case, for many children and their loving adults- both familial and pedagogical.  They look over their shoulders, literally and figuratively, every day.

Ironically, I was going to stop at Sandy Hook, and pay my respects, after gassing up at the  Mobil station, in Newtown.  The consensus, while I was waiting for the tow truck, was that Nissan wasn’t going anywhere.  I, on the other hand, will go where this turn of events takes us;  Me, the car or its replacement, and any who appear in the meantime.

Various Shelters

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Posted by on in animal and plant life, Community, Hiking and Nature, Inner Struggles, Service Activities

June 23, 2016, Eagar, AZ-  I have been helping to staff a Red Cross shelter, in this small eastern Arizona town, for the past two days.  Those who are here, have come because of respiratory issues.  The smoke from the Cedar Fire, a human-caused forest conflagration, has been more of a problem than the actual blaze.  Few, if any, structures have been affected by the fire.  The school where we are housed is well away from the blaze, of course, as is the school in the Painted Desert town of Holbrook, where a second shelter has been opened.  The concerns now are smoke and flooding, once the monsoon rains come, in earnest.  We got a foretaste of the latter, last night, when the parking lot outside our staff motel got about twenty minutes’ worth of shower activity.

The other day, in between beach visits in southern California, I spent about forty minutes walking in the western lagoon area of San Elijo Lagoon Natural Reserve, in Cardiff-by-the-Sea, north of San Diego.  A brackish water lagoon is also a shelter.  Both marine animals and desert mountain creatures find a safe haven.  The lagoon is, however, a tenuous place of refuge.  Given its location near various industrial areas, there is always a balance to be struck between the natural filtering that water plants offer and Man’s perceived need to generate waste, in the name of “prosperity”.  Brackishness has a long way to go, in being appreciated for what it offers the balance of nature.

Thus, San Elijo’s lagoon is a vital educational tool.  Here are some views of the western portion of this extraordinary refuge.

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Thick vegetation is needed, to help filter out toxins.

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Several channels converge in the lagoon, en route to the sea.

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A lone egret was partaking of the solace, this morning.

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The channel on the right has cut through to the ocean.

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The Kumeyaay people, now also called Diegueno or Luiseno, had simple, temporary dwellings, when they came to the lagoon to gather fish, crustaceans and kelp.

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Here is a view of the ocean-bound channel, from the Visitor Center’s second-floor observation deck.

The eastern section of San Elijo Lagoon Natural preserve lies east of Interstate 5, in the community of Encinitas.  It’s an area best enjoyed in the coolness of Fall.  I may well stop and investigate the emerging channels and their hillside source, come October.

There are no real external shelters from one’s own struggles.  The only way, as was said in “The Empire Strikes Back”, is through.  I have been my own worst foe, in so many situations, that the aforementioned option has become my default.  There were two instances, in the past day or so, where my efforts at maintaining the shelter clashed with others, who were either not thinking things through, or were just worn out and seeking the path of least resistance.   The only thing I could do, in both cases, was quietly continue what I was doing, for the benefit of the shelter clients, while not pushing the confrontation envelope. Our manager has confidence in my judgement.  This is a continuation of what I experienced this past Spring, at Prescott High School.  It’s refreshing, actually, and indicates I’m doing something right.

I am grateful for many shelters.

Who Am I?

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Posted by on in Community, Family, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Striving, Travel

June 22, 2016, Springerville, AZ- My father passed away, thirty years ago, today.  Then, as now, I made a long journey.  Then, as now, it took a few phone calls to get the details right.  I arrived at my destination after six hours of travel.  I was comforted by the very people I came to comfort.  He was given a dignified send-off, and from the spirit realm, he still looks after me, in a stern, but loving manner.

Who, exactly, did Dad leave behind?  I was not the easiest of sons to raise, but there was a lot about autism that was not known, that was misunderstood.  There still is, in the perceptions of many people.  There is, however, nothing about who I am that limits me.  I have raised a fine young man, and am gladly here to answer his questions about the time of life that is young adulthood.  I am here to encourage his success, to boost him over the bar.

I am also here to reach out to as many people as possible.  July will be yet another month on the road.  This time, though, it will be focused on family members, some close and some long-lost.  It will be focused, as well, on friends- some in pain, some offering joy.  I will be keeping an eye on things in Arizona, though there are still those nagging critics who take umbrage at my having missed this meeting, or not being available for that event during the coming four weeks.

I am not easy to define.  Mostly, my living consists of proferring love on those around me. It’s the most basic thing in the world, and in the Universe, for that matter. There will always be those who try to obfuscate and throw me off course. There will always be those who hear the word “widower” and think, “troll”- as is the case with one of my co-workers here at the fire shelter.  No matter:  I am here to do a service, and I will continue, whether this person likes it or not.  I am very open about my wife’s having passed on.  The other part is that I am open about being comfortable with how my life is now.  This life is full of bonds, and true friendships.  The false of purpose, and the fearful, need not worry about my presence.

Another thing that colours my life:  Commitment to the generations coming up behind me; not just my son and young relatives, but the well-being of all.  A case in point:  When I stopped for dinner at one of my “A-List” California restaurants, en route back to Prescott, I was struck by the humidity inside the place, and concerned for two young ladies, who were dressed in Victorian attire, in their roles as servers, and who were about to crumple from the stifling air.  The manager, herself about to keel over, had them go into a small staff room, which was more comfortable.  We need to pay close attention to those who work hard on our behalf.  Fortunately, all three ladies recovered nicely.

This is my 1,000th Word Press post.  To leave you with more of a sense of who I am, here are a few scenes from my coastal visit on Monday.  First, here are two scenes of Cardiff State Beach, west of Encinitas.

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Not your typical June Gloom, but a bit of mist was there, on San Elijo Beach.

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Beach artistry is alive and well.

Up the coast, at Dana Point, I enjoyed a lengthy lunchtime conversation, with a longtime friend, at another of my California “A-list” establishments.

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Harpoon Henry’s is at the south end of Dana Point Harbor.

Who am I, really?  I’m just a human being who treasures those in his life, who is glad for the form in which I find myself, who does not have a need to judge the paths and courses of life taken by others, insofar as they do not harm those around them and who looks forward to whatever tale each day has to present.

Post 1,001 will look at an estuary- the mixing of fresh and salt water, and why brackishness is a good thing.

 

I Didn’t Realize

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Striving

May 14, 2016, Prescott–

Many are the faux pas

that have passed my lips

into the twilight.

I didn’t realize,

until I was scolded,

that the way to get

a neighbourhood cleaned up

was not to just point out the mess.

I was nine, at the time.

Now, I just show up with my trash bags,

and get started.

I didn’t realize,  at the time,

that the way to show

affinity with another, was not to copy his

speech and mannerisms.

Now, I accept people for who they are,

and myself, for who I am.

I didn’t realize, at the time,

that the way to show love to

women and girls,

was not to just go on and on

about how beautiful they are,

but to encourage and support,

from where they are,

to move towards their dreams.

Now, if I call you friend,

it means I have.your.back.

No strings attached.

 

Meme Chose

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Poetry

April 13, 2016, Prescott- 

(The title is in French, and is pronounced ” mem shoze”, meaning “same thing”.  It has nothing to do with Internet memes.)

Walking down the street,

As we all anticipate the return of heat,

I sense a bit of apprehension,

from those behind me,

as approaching young men

draw our attention.

I’ve lived a good life,

so I feel no worry.

They are just people,

so no need to scurry.

It’s said to be good to confront

our prejudices.

Giving them voice,

one’s tolerance actually

nourishes.

 

Poison, Be Gone

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Poetry

April 11, 2016, Prescott-

On a day when darkness and intolerance

Tried to rear their ugly heads,

I look to the west,

and see the lowering Sun.

Its message is, “I am constant.

Dismay not, at those who shun

your honesty and earnestness.

The poison in their hearts,

will be their sole reward,

and their plots shall be left undone.

Some days shall be of headaches,

but you must stay the course.

Make yourself invaluable,

be work horse, not show horse.”

 

I Learned…

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Social, Spiritual

April 3, 2016, Prescott-  This has been a good weekend.  I hiked Segment 4, of Prescott Circle Trail, in two segments, owing to two separate events, that occurred in the middle of each day.  Unfortunately, the photo loading feature on my laptop has stopped working, so I will post about my hikes, once that issue is resolved.  Maybe after work tomorrow, I can get some answers.

The middle of the afternoon, yesterday, featured a nice performance by some friends from Chino Valley.  These are long-time friends, who host a Drum Circle on the second Friday of every month, aHnd an Interfaith Devotional, on the fourth Friday.  They were gracious enough to come to Prescott and present on “Peace and Love”, for an hour or so, making the brightness outside enter a spacious apartment clubhouse.  The Brehmers always light up a room.

Conversing with friends always makes any meal better-so discourse on matters of the spirit lifted my spirit, whether over angle food cake with berry sauce, on Thursday night, Hawaiian bento, on Saturday night, a casserole breakfast this morning, or Brunch items, this afternoon, before my second hike.  One man, near our group, regaled us with his experiences in a Plains sweat lodge.  Such experiences are all the more reason for each of us to get out of our comfort zones, in whatever way works best for an individual.

Now, to get to the title topic.  For each of the years of this present decade, thus far, I learned:

2010- Six years ago,  spent each of my days with my blessed soul mate, in her hospital room, then in our bedroom, when not working to earn my own keep. I learned that most of  those in our lives were on our side.

2011- Five years ago,  said goodbye to the earthly form of my beloved, saw our son off to his adulthood, and the U.S. Navy, and learned that there was plenty of life ahead for me, on my own.

2012-Four years ago, went many places in honour of Abdu’l-Baha’s visit to North America, in 1912 and found that my heart could be at home in any number of locations.

2013-Three years ago, learned that there are subconscious attitudes and feelings that need to be brought to the surface, rooted out and swept away.  No simple statement of “spiritual quest” can exorcise these.  They must be acknowledged, and then sent away.  Lastly, one atones.

2014-Two years ago, learned that it is not so difficult to get around on my own, even in unfamiliar places, far from here.  Learned also, that amazing experiences happen daily, and that one can make gaffes, learn  good lessons on one’s feet, and go on to more amazing experiences.

2015- One year ago, learned that intense connections exist between people who live a continent away, and am able to share in those connections.

2016- My roots are sinking deeper, in terms of spiritual ties to people both here, and throughout the nation and world.  It is a joy to learn deeper meditation, and to trust myself to live closer to the land, both at home and while traveling.  Above all, I am trusting myself more, also thanks to the meditation techniques being learned.

Embered Waves of Brain

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Inspiration

March 12, 2016, Prescott-   I have often wondered why my mildly autistic brain will start crackling and popping, often at the worst of times.  It is usually when I figure myself to be alone, and not accountable to anyone else.  I never am alone, in such circumstances.  There is always an outlier, or two, around, to observe, and shake their heads.  Because of them, I have a better awareness of my surroundings, and control over my thoughts and attendant behaviour.

Baha’u’llah teaches to not be the cause of sorrow to any soul, nor to be the plaything of the foolish.  We are, essentially, to be good in groups, and seek the unity of the human race.  The basis for all this is scientific, as well as social.  So, when reading, today, of the types of brain waves that human beings experience, a lot more made sense to me- about my own behaviour, and that of anyone else.  My thanks to Dr. Joe Dispenza,  (Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself) for the refresher on this topic, which I first learned, in 1974, from Dr. Saul Balagura, at the University of Massachusetts.

It goes like this:

Delta waves-These are the lowest frequency brain waves, occurring in infants and those in deep sleep.  They are also the default waves of one who is in deep meditation.  I’ve had a few people in my life who would swear, on a stack of Holy Books, that I am in permanent Delta mode.

Theta waves- These are found in toddlers and people who are in a hypnotic state. When one is drowsy, neither totally awake nor asleep, Theta waves are in control.

Alpha waves- Children between ages 5-8 experience these waves.  So do adults and youth who are in a light meditative state.  One is concerned primarily, in this state, with the inner reality.  I often lose track of where my car is, in a large parking lot, if I go into Alpha mode, when headed for the building without making note of my location.

Beta waves- These are the waves that are most commonly experienced by “tweens”, teens and adults.  You guessed it, there are three levels of Beta.  People with high level Beta waves are spring-loaded, tense, in a hair-trigger mode.  There is intense analysis of even the most mundane of events.  It is exhausting to be in constant High Beta mode.

Gamma waves-  These are the highest frequency brain waves, limited to Scarlett Johansson’s character, in the film, Lucy,  Jim Carrey’s character, in Bruce Almighty, and those who use hallucinogenic substances.  Gamma people are at the highest level of sensory awareness, which is likely not maintainable for any appreciable length of time.

My interest in this area stems from both a desire to better understand my own occasional lapses and to use brain waves to formulate deeper behavioural change, which I am told is possible, with proper meditation.