Category Archives: Inner Struggles

Various Shelters

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Posted by on in animal and plant life, Community, Hiking and Nature, Inner Struggles, Service Activities

June 23, 2016, Eagar, AZ-  I have been helping to staff a Red Cross shelter, in this small eastern Arizona town, for the past two days.  Those who are here, have come because of respiratory issues.  The smoke from the Cedar Fire, a human-caused forest conflagration, has been more of a problem than the actual blaze.  Few, if any, structures have been affected by the fire.  The school where we are housed is well away from the blaze, of course, as is the school in the Painted Desert town of Holbrook, where a second shelter has been opened.  The concerns now are smoke and flooding, once the monsoon rains come, in earnest.  We got a foretaste of the latter, last night, when the parking lot outside our staff motel got about twenty minutes’ worth of shower activity.

The other day, in between beach visits in southern California, I spent about forty minutes walking in the western lagoon area of San Elijo Lagoon Natural Reserve, in Cardiff-by-the-Sea, north of San Diego.  A brackish water lagoon is also a shelter.  Both marine animals and desert mountain creatures find a safe haven.  The lagoon is, however, a tenuous place of refuge.  Given its location near various industrial areas, there is always a balance to be struck between the natural filtering that water plants offer and Man’s perceived need to generate waste, in the name of “prosperity”.  Brackishness has a long way to go, in being appreciated for what it offers the balance of nature.

Thus, San Elijo’s lagoon is a vital educational tool.  Here are some views of the western portion of this extraordinary refuge.

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Thick vegetation is needed, to help filter out toxins.

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Several channels converge in the lagoon, en route to the sea.

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A lone egret was partaking of the solace, this morning.

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The channel on the right has cut through to the ocean.

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The Kumeyaay people, now also called Diegueno or Luiseno, had simple, temporary dwellings, when they came to the lagoon to gather fish, crustaceans and kelp.

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Here is a view of the ocean-bound channel, from the Visitor Center’s second-floor observation deck.

The eastern section of San Elijo Lagoon Natural preserve lies east of Interstate 5, in the community of Encinitas.  It’s an area best enjoyed in the coolness of Fall.  I may well stop and investigate the emerging channels and their hillside source, come October.

There are no real external shelters from one’s own struggles.  The only way, as was said in “The Empire Strikes Back”, is through.  I have been my own worst foe, in so many situations, that the aforementioned option has become my default.  There were two instances, in the past day or so, where my efforts at maintaining the shelter clashed with others, who were either not thinking things through, or were just worn out and seeking the path of least resistance.   The only thing I could do, in both cases, was quietly continue what I was doing, for the benefit of the shelter clients, while not pushing the confrontation envelope. Our manager has confidence in my judgement.  This is a continuation of what I experienced this past Spring, at Prescott High School.  It’s refreshing, actually, and indicates I’m doing something right.

I am grateful for many shelters.

Who Am I?

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Posted by on in Community, Family, Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Striving, Travel

June 22, 2016, Springerville, AZ- My father passed away, thirty years ago, today.  Then, as now, I made a long journey.  Then, as now, it took a few phone calls to get the details right.  I arrived at my destination after six hours of travel.  I was comforted by the very people I came to comfort.  He was given a dignified send-off, and from the spirit realm, he still looks after me, in a stern, but loving manner.

Who, exactly, did Dad leave behind?  I was not the easiest of sons to raise, but there was a lot about autism that was not known, that was misunderstood.  There still is, in the perceptions of many people.  There is, however, nothing about who I am that limits me.  I have raised a fine young man, and am gladly here to answer his questions about the time of life that is young adulthood.  I am here to encourage his success, to boost him over the bar.

I am also here to reach out to as many people as possible.  July will be yet another month on the road.  This time, though, it will be focused on family members, some close and some long-lost.  It will be focused, as well, on friends- some in pain, some offering joy.  I will be keeping an eye on things in Arizona, though there are still those nagging critics who take umbrage at my having missed this meeting, or not being available for that event during the coming four weeks.

I am not easy to define.  Mostly, my living consists of proferring love on those around me. It’s the most basic thing in the world, and in the Universe, for that matter. There will always be those who try to obfuscate and throw me off course. There will always be those who hear the word “widower” and think, “troll”- as is the case with one of my co-workers here at the fire shelter.  No matter:  I am here to do a service, and I will continue, whether this person likes it or not.  I am very open about my wife’s having passed on.  The other part is that I am open about being comfortable with how my life is now.  This life is full of bonds, and true friendships.  The false of purpose, and the fearful, need not worry about my presence.

Another thing that colours my life:  Commitment to the generations coming up behind me; not just my son and young relatives, but the well-being of all.  A case in point:  When I stopped for dinner at one of my “A-List” California restaurants, en route back to Prescott, I was struck by the humidity inside the place, and concerned for two young ladies, who were dressed in Victorian attire, in their roles as servers, and who were about to crumple from the stifling air.  The manager, herself about to keel over, had them go into a small staff room, which was more comfortable.  We need to pay close attention to those who work hard on our behalf.  Fortunately, all three ladies recovered nicely.

This is my 1,000th Word Press post.  To leave you with more of a sense of who I am, here are a few scenes from my coastal visit on Monday.  First, here are two scenes of Cardiff State Beach, west of Encinitas.

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Not your typical June Gloom, but a bit of mist was there, on San Elijo Beach.

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Beach artistry is alive and well.

Up the coast, at Dana Point, I enjoyed a lengthy lunchtime conversation, with a longtime friend, at another of my California “A-list” establishments.

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Harpoon Henry’s is at the south end of Dana Point Harbor.

Who am I, really?  I’m just a human being who treasures those in his life, who is glad for the form in which I find myself, who does not have a need to judge the paths and courses of life taken by others, insofar as they do not harm those around them and who looks forward to whatever tale each day has to present.

Post 1,001 will look at an estuary- the mixing of fresh and salt water, and why brackishness is a good thing.

 

I Didn’t Realize

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Striving

May 14, 2016, Prescott–

Many are the faux pas

that have passed my lips

into the twilight.

I didn’t realize,

until I was scolded,

that the way to get

a neighbourhood cleaned up

was not to just point out the mess.

I was nine, at the time.

Now, I just show up with my trash bags,

and get started.

I didn’t realize,  at the time,

that the way to show

affinity with another, was not to copy his

speech and mannerisms.

Now, I accept people for who they are,

and myself, for who I am.

I didn’t realize, at the time,

that the way to show love to

women and girls,

was not to just go on and on

about how beautiful they are,

but to encourage and support,

from where they are,

to move towards their dreams.

Now, if I call you friend,

it means I have.your.back.

No strings attached.

 

Meme Chose

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Poetry

April 13, 2016, Prescott- 

(The title is in French, and is pronounced ” mem shoze”, meaning “same thing”.  It has nothing to do with Internet memes.)

Walking down the street,

As we all anticipate the return of heat,

I sense a bit of apprehension,

from those behind me,

as approaching young men

draw our attention.

I’ve lived a good life,

so I feel no worry.

They are just people,

so no need to scurry.

It’s said to be good to confront

our prejudices.

Giving them voice,

one’s tolerance actually

nourishes.

 

Poison, Be Gone

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Poetry

April 11, 2016, Prescott-

On a day when darkness and intolerance

Tried to rear their ugly heads,

I look to the west,

and see the lowering Sun.

Its message is, “I am constant.

Dismay not, at those who shun

your honesty and earnestness.

The poison in their hearts,

will be their sole reward,

and their plots shall be left undone.

Some days shall be of headaches,

but you must stay the course.

Make yourself invaluable,

be work horse, not show horse.”

 

I Learned…

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Social, Spiritual

April 3, 2016, Prescott-  This has been a good weekend.  I hiked Segment 4, of Prescott Circle Trail, in two segments, owing to two separate events, that occurred in the middle of each day.  Unfortunately, the photo loading feature on my laptop has stopped working, so I will post about my hikes, once that issue is resolved.  Maybe after work tomorrow, I can get some answers.

The middle of the afternoon, yesterday, featured a nice performance by some friends from Chino Valley.  These are long-time friends, who host a Drum Circle on the second Friday of every month, aHnd an Interfaith Devotional, on the fourth Friday.  They were gracious enough to come to Prescott and present on “Peace and Love”, for an hour or so, making the brightness outside enter a spacious apartment clubhouse.  The Brehmers always light up a room.

Conversing with friends always makes any meal better-so discourse on matters of the spirit lifted my spirit, whether over angle food cake with berry sauce, on Thursday night, Hawaiian bento, on Saturday night, a casserole breakfast this morning, or Brunch items, this afternoon, before my second hike.  One man, near our group, regaled us with his experiences in a Plains sweat lodge.  Such experiences are all the more reason for each of us to get out of our comfort zones, in whatever way works best for an individual.

Now, to get to the title topic.  For each of the years of this present decade, thus far, I learned:

2010- Six years ago,  spent each of my days with my blessed soul mate, in her hospital room, then in our bedroom, when not working to earn my own keep. I learned that most of  those in our lives were on our side.

2011- Five years ago,  said goodbye to the earthly form of my beloved, saw our son off to his adulthood, and the U.S. Navy, and learned that there was plenty of life ahead for me, on my own.

2012-Four years ago, went many places in honour of Abdu’l-Baha’s visit to North America, in 1912 and found that my heart could be at home in any number of locations.

2013-Three years ago, learned that there are subconscious attitudes and feelings that need to be brought to the surface, rooted out and swept away.  No simple statement of “spiritual quest” can exorcise these.  They must be acknowledged, and then sent away.  Lastly, one atones.

2014-Two years ago, learned that it is not so difficult to get around on my own, even in unfamiliar places, far from here.  Learned also, that amazing experiences happen daily, and that one can make gaffes, learn  good lessons on one’s feet, and go on to more amazing experiences.

2015- One year ago, learned that intense connections exist between people who live a continent away, and am able to share in those connections.

2016- My roots are sinking deeper, in terms of spiritual ties to people both here, and throughout the nation and world.  It is a joy to learn deeper meditation, and to trust myself to live closer to the land, both at home and while traveling.  Above all, I am trusting myself more, also thanks to the meditation techniques being learned.

Embered Waves of Brain

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Inspiration

March 12, 2016, Prescott-   I have often wondered why my mildly autistic brain will start crackling and popping, often at the worst of times.  It is usually when I figure myself to be alone, and not accountable to anyone else.  I never am alone, in such circumstances.  There is always an outlier, or two, around, to observe, and shake their heads.  Because of them, I have a better awareness of my surroundings, and control over my thoughts and attendant behaviour.

Baha’u’llah teaches to not be the cause of sorrow to any soul, nor to be the plaything of the foolish.  We are, essentially, to be good in groups, and seek the unity of the human race.  The basis for all this is scientific, as well as social.  So, when reading, today, of the types of brain waves that human beings experience, a lot more made sense to me- about my own behaviour, and that of anyone else.  My thanks to Dr. Joe Dispenza,  (Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself) for the refresher on this topic, which I first learned, in 1974, from Dr. Saul Balagura, at the University of Massachusetts.

It goes like this:

Delta waves-These are the lowest frequency brain waves, occurring in infants and those in deep sleep.  They are also the default waves of one who is in deep meditation.  I’ve had a few people in my life who would swear, on a stack of Holy Books, that I am in permanent Delta mode.

Theta waves- These are found in toddlers and people who are in a hypnotic state. When one is drowsy, neither totally awake nor asleep, Theta waves are in control.

Alpha waves- Children between ages 5-8 experience these waves.  So do adults and youth who are in a light meditative state.  One is concerned primarily, in this state, with the inner reality.  I often lose track of where my car is, in a large parking lot, if I go into Alpha mode, when headed for the building without making note of my location.

Beta waves- These are the waves that are most commonly experienced by “tweens”, teens and adults.  You guessed it, there are three levels of Beta.  People with high level Beta waves are spring-loaded, tense, in a hair-trigger mode.  There is intense analysis of even the most mundane of events.  It is exhausting to be in constant High Beta mode.

Gamma waves-  These are the highest frequency brain waves, limited to Scarlett Johansson’s character, in the film, Lucy,  Jim Carrey’s character, in Bruce Almighty, and those who use hallucinogenic substances.  Gamma people are at the highest level of sensory awareness, which is likely not maintainable for any appreciable length of time.

My interest in this area stems from both a desire to better understand my own occasional lapses and to use brain waves to formulate deeper behavioural change, which I am told is possible, with proper meditation.

My Life Thus Far: Lessons Learned from “The Aughts”

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Posted by on in Assistance, Family, Inner Struggles, Personal Values

March 11, 2016, Prescott- Today’s been rather a fine day.  The AARP Tax-Aid Center did the honours, this year, and I gauged things properly, as it happens.  It was a fine thing to watch a noble send-off for Nancy Reagan.  Shortly, I will head to a Spaghetti Dinner/ Drum Circle, at the home of some Chino Valley friends.

I want to address the single most challenging decade of my life, a bit differently than I have the others.  The high points/low points are getting a bit tedious, and I have mentioned people and places in the heart, to the point of repetition.

The major feature of any time of great challenge is: “What have you learned?”  Here goes:

2000:  1.  Pundits make poor prognosticators.  2.  The wealthy can be quite down-to-Earth, especially when hosting. 3.  Taking a southern route doesn’t always result in avoiding snow.

2001:  1.  Troubled people can sometimes network, and bring about calamity.  In fact, they can be very surreptitious about it. (Mingus Mountain Academy, February and the Wayward Planes, September).  2.  No matter how shattering a calamity in my life, I will find a way forward. (Forced out of work one day, in a new job three days later.)

2002:  1.  Everyone’s child is precious.(In this horrific year of assaults and kidnappings of girls, this was especially vividly accented.) 2.  Girls can be spot-on, in getting the drop on their abductors (Think Kyla Pratt, Philadelphia and the two teens in Los Angeles). 3.  Just because the landlord says so, doesn’t make it so. (Mid-lease attempt to up our pet rent was shot down by the City of Phoenix.)

2003: 1. Never take your eyes off someone so precious (Penny fell, when I was momentarily distracted by talking to another friend). 2.  No matter how noble an effort one is making to save others, focus on family first. (She fell a second time, while I was occupied with fighting serious bad actors on the Internet. This time, the gig was up and her decline began.) 3.  Honouring one’s elders is always a good thing. (Mom’s 75th was a bright spot, in this dark year. 4.  Working close to home is not always the best course of action. (Palo Verde Middle School)

2004:  1.  People are beginning to feel a disconnect with government, even down to the lowest level, i.e. school administrators. (The parent of a white student, who felt victimized by a black classmate, voiced the sense she was being dismissed out of hand, by the principal, at the school where I was working.) 2.  There is, related to that, a serious gap in communication, between different population groups. 3.  Never take a job, out of expedience.

2005:  1.  People, who are uncomfortable with physical disability, are not above bending the truth, or exaggerating, to get rid of a disabled employee.  2.  There is magic,still, in a full formal wedding, set in the mountains. (My eldest niece was married in the Mount Washington Hotel.) 3.  Justice, deferred, is still justice. ( A Justice of the Peace, who ignored the testimony of a deputy sheriff, in favour of well-connected people, who caused the accident that totaled Penny’s car, was himself removed from the bench, by the Superior Court, six months after having fined my wife.)

2006: 1.  As excruciating as it is, for the person being retired, there are some people who do their level best to offer a dignified retirement to a disabled worker. (Penny’s retirement was achieved in dignity, thanks to school district office personnel.) 2.  The advancement of knowledge is always amazing. (She moved on, and began working on her third Master’s Degree.) 3.  Having pride in one’s child graduating in summer is perfectly natural, and essential. (On his 18th birthday, our son showed that persistence was part of his nature, as well.  We honoured him fully.)

2007:  1. Putting together a Virtual Field Trip is an amazing experience.  (We flew to Atlanta, attended my oldest nephew’s wedding, then drove to various places, between Atlanta and Saugus, taking photos along the way. These were part of Penny’s technology education project.)  2.  Even the most reserved family members come through, in a pinch. (My taciturn sister-in-law put together a lovely 25th anniversary gathering for us and Penny’s gruff brother-in-law repaired her rickety wheelchair.  We got it replaced, once back to Arizona.)  3.  Driving in the pouring rain is probably not the best practice session for a teen driver. (The poor girl was in tears, after pulling out in front of me, on a South Carolina highway.  No harm was done, except maybe to her confidence.  The man in the passenger seat didn’t look very happy, perhaps a stern father.)

2008:  1.  Arrogance can lead to overreaction. (The CEO of an automotive design company busted out laughing, at a poorly-designed electric car prototype, offered by an environmental action student group to which Penny belonged.)  2.  Even in a period of declining health, the mind can accomplish great things. (Penny completed most of her coursework by December.)  3.  Honesty always leads to vindication, when coupled with persistence and attention to detail, even if it takes a while. (A school worker was rough with a Kindergartner, then embellished a tale about me, when I comforted the girl.  I voluntarily took a leave of absence, but was vindicated, after three weeks.  The other person was terminated.)

2009:  1.  Even mental health workers can have a blind spot, when it comes to the disabled and their families. (I was let go, after three months, because of “conflict”  between my work for the agency and being Penny’s caretaker.  I found out later that it was all about my not generating revenue for the agency.) 2.  Driving, cross-country, with a disabled passenger was slowly getting easier, rest-room wise.  More states allowed opposite-sex caretakers to go with their disabled person into the restroom, and several were starting to install Caretaker-friendly “Family” restrooms. (We had a relatively easy trip, to and from my third nephew’s wedding.) 3.  If acting as caretaker, do take time for one’s own well-being.  The greater selfishness comes from pretending that one must be full-on, 24/7. 4.  Never, ever, try to outpace credit card debt by just pulling more money out of investment funds. (Yes, we ended the year in Chapter 7.) 5.  Most importantly, when given a major task, involving a loved one, see it through, no matter the obstacles.

The decade ended with me still substitute-teaching, Penny having earned, and received, her third Master’s Degree, and she increasingly spending more time asleep than awake. As those who followed me, then, on Xanga and Facebook will recall, there would be 14 more months of struggle and decline.  The decade which followed, and which is now  well past half-finished, would sharply distinguish between light and shadow.

 

My Life Thus Far: The Nineties

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Posted by on in children, Family, Inner Struggles, Personal Values, Social

March 6, 2016, Chula Vista- In the scheme of things, my most productive decade, to date, has been the 1990’s.  My forties were, initially, of consternation to my wife, but ended up being a time of relative calm and mutual growth for us.

1990-High Point: Travels with my family, around Jeju.                                                                                   Low Point:  Losing several more aunts and uncles.                                                                                People in the Heart:  My little family; my students; the Korean Baha’is.                                     Places in the Heart:  Jeju; Mt. Halla; Nonsan; Yosu.

1991- High Point:  Continued growth of our community, and in my teaching.                                       Low Point:   None.  This was a very sanguine year.                                                                                 People in the Heart:  Koreans, in general.                                                                                               Places in the Heart:  Jeju; Inchon; Jonju, Busan .

1992- High Point:  Return to the Navajo Nation.                                                                                               Low Point:  Leaving Korea.                                                                                                                              People in the Heart:  My students, both in Jeju and in Jeddito; the long-suffering Mr. Chun; Marty Green, who gave me a fresh start; the proprietress of Mile-Hi Motel, Prescott.                                                                                                                                                                              Places in the Heart:  Jeju; Sorak-san; Prescott; Jeddito.

1993- High Point:  Penny’s return to teaching.                                                                                                   Low Point:  Dealing with a disinformation campaign.                                                                          People in the Heart:  My Navajo and Hopi students; A.T. Sinquah; the Begay family,              of Cienega Canyon; Harry James, who gave his life for his faith.                                                      Places in the Heart:  Jeddito, Keams Canyon; Canyon de Chelly; Flagstaff.

1994- High Point:  Learning about, and implementing, a comprehensive guidance                              program.                                                                                                                                                                Low Point:  Struggling to adapt to new school administration.                                                         People in the Heart:  The Ambrose family; the Melvins, who taught me how to act                 with grace, and patience; all the aforementioned.                                                                     Places in the Heart:  Pinon; Shungopavi; First Mesa.

1995-High Point:  Our first cross-country road trip, as a family.                                                                 Low Point:  The passing of Penny’s paternal grandfather.                                                                  People in the Heart:  Sadie Charley; the Bathkes; the Shuplas; A. C. Fellman.                           Places in the Heart:  Louhelen Baha’i School; Bedminster; Saugus.

1996- High Point:  Continued success in our school’s program.                                                                    Low Point:  The passing of our neighbour, Georgianna T.

           People in the Heart:  The Coin family; Clifford Q., who taught us all patience, in a                  different way; Mark Sacco, who never gave up on the hardest of students; the                            Smiley sisters; the Tewanema family.

          Places in the Heart:  Edgewater, NM (our vacation spot); Sandia Crest; the Navajo                  and Hopi Nations, in general.

1997- High Point:  Our road trip with Lady (our dachshund, adopted in 1995).                                        Low Point:  The suicide of a former student.                                                                                            People in the Heart: Marwin Woody and his family; the staff of Louhelen Baha’i                      School; all my relations.                                                                                                                                  Places in the Heart:  Amarillo; Effingham; Lambertville, NJ; Louhelen Baha’i                           school; Edwardsville, IL.

1998-High Point: My securing a principalship.                                                                                                   Low Point: The accidental death of a key staff member.                                                                       People in the Heart:  Mrs. Lowe and Ms. Young, my strongest classroom teachers.                  Places in the Heart: Chilchinbeto; Kayenta.

1999-High Point: Landing on my feet, at Salome High School.                                                                     Low Point: Aram’s harrowing return visit to Korea.                                                                             People in the Heart:  Tom Riggenbach, the Charley family (who spoke in my                             defense); Paul Lansing; the majority of my constituents in La Paz County.                                   Places in the Heart: Polacca; Salome; Prescott.

The Nineties began with stability and hope, though various storm clouds were always showing lightning,in the distance.  This was a time that began and ended with big moves for us.  I made a stab at being an administrator, and found it was not for me. I am much more at home with counseling, and would have done better to hone my skills in that area, still further.  Penny had a serious fall, in 1998, and we spent much time and energy seeking competent neurological care.  She seemed to have recovered, by the end of the year, when we observed her parents’ 50th Wedding Anniversary.  The decade ended with us working through the joys and sorrows of life in a small Southwestern town.

Still and all, that decade was good for us.  The ten years to come would prove far more challenging.

 

 

Leap of Faith

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Posted by on in Inner Struggles, Inspiration, Spiritual

February 29, 2016, Prescott- This is one of those days when a person, who is actually 40, can pretend to be 10.  Leap Day is a quirk of Earth time, but has become quite fun to observe.  Some traditions allow women to ask men to dance, to go on a date- even, to marry, on “Sadie Hawkins Day”- something that derived from the country lore of the Appalachian region.  I think that would be enjoyable enough, as it’s taken in a gentlemanly manner.

I waded through a fair amount of criticism, once I cam home from work today, and turned on the computer.  Many people seemed in a nasty mood, for one reason or another.  I did feel rightfully chastened, in one instance, and said so.  In other cases, I felt the frustration of the complainant and in others, I sensed obfuscation in the wind, and called the person out on it.  She gingerly walked her complaint back, and “agreed to disagree.”  That’s fair enough.

There will be some tough choices ahead, for many people, and for our nation as a whole. I won’t get into the politics of it, but most of you will get my drift.  Those of us who have a personal credo will sense that we need to act, based on the precepts of what we say we believe.  I certainly have been, and will be, in that frame of mind.

We Baha’is begin our Nineteen-Day Fast, tomorrow at sunrise.  For all of us who are in good health, not undergoing physical stress (including pregnancy, Aunt Flo and nursing, as well as doing heavy labour), and between the ages of 15-69, the abstinence from food and drink goes from sunrise to sunset.  As with other spiritual fasts, ours is intended to purify the body and cleanse the soul.  What that means to an individual is strictly a personal experience, and personal business.

I know those areas on which I need to work, so I hope this season will set the tone, in that regard.  Stay tuned, and Marvelous March!