Category Archives: Personal goals

Any suggestions?

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Being fairly new on here, my question is- How does one get any comments on this gig?  Many of my friends on my other site say “Word Press sucks, nobody ever bothers to read my posts.”

My take is that it’s a bit like investing money. You can’t just let it sit and expect a magic fortune.

I see there are over 700,000 people here, or some such thing.  So, I will continue to post, and try to vary my subject matter, though photo journeys, to all sorts of places, are my favourite mode.

I am going to boost a couple of earlier posts from my other site, and reorganize them, WP style, to give you an example of what I mean.

Triggers

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I got a form letter from the Bereavement Coordinator of Penny’s hospice, a few days ago.  I wrote back and touched base with him.  It set me to thinking about what triggers thoughts of her, and of us, and how those triggers affect me.

Some of those triggers are:

Sunsets- I went through a period where I would shut the blinds, right before sunset.  Now, I want to leave them open and let it be visible.  We always enjoyed the sunset, no matter where we were.

Couples together- That’s a no-brainer, and the recent series of posts by some of my friends moving in together, planning weddings, even becoming a couple for the first time, actually makes me smile- a lot.  You are going to enjoy one of life’s strongest experiences.

Dachshunds- Our little one kept us amused and feeling loved, for fifteen years.  The dachshunds I have seen lately all act frenetic and happy, just like our “Lady”.

A phone call from our son- This is, naturally, something that raises my spirits.  It’ll be less frequent now.  He is at sea, somewhere in the Persian/Arabian Gulf.

Vegetarian cooking- Penny always had a goal of being a vegetarian and we worked at it, in fits and starts.  I had an almost veggie meal tonight.  Only the cocktail hot dogs interrupted it.

Her photos- I won’t put them away, ever.

I guess the triggers are actually helping me define my spot in the world.

Women

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I have been without the love of my life, strictly in the physical sense, for ten months now.  I say this because she is with me spiritually and psychically, every minute of every day.  Of course, she has plenty to do on the other side,but somehow a spirit can seem to do lots of things, simultaneously, or so it seems to me now.

I saw a photo of another friend’s late wife, on my other blog site.  It was from the late sixties, and like my Penny, she was gorgeous.  He has kept her in his heart, all these years, even though he was with another woman later, and had a family with his second wife.

I will be the same, come Hell or high water.  This leads me to those who don’t seem to value their wives.  I read a post from a young woman this morning, saying her husband ignores her, except to mock her speech, as if he were a tween boy.  Gott in himmel!

I can’t imagine a marriage where there are no differences of opinion, no moments when the two need a time out from each other.  Violence, whether physical, emotional or psychological, has no place in any adult relationship.  We try to teach our children that corporal punishment is a last resort, used only for the worst offenses, and not after a child has reached the age of reason- somewhere between 9 and 12, usually.

I digress, though.  Men have to be taught to talk things out, many times.  Penny helped me get the hang of it by the time we’d been married for four years.  I honestly did try from day one.  It just took time.

I have been approached by a few women, with varying degrees of aggressiveness, over the past three months, since settling in Prescott.  I mean no one any harm, but I am still in a year of mourning.  I will be anyone’s friend, but  I have one soul mate.  That I am not interested in more than a platonic relationship with anyone I know at the moment, does not reflect on the women in question, as people.  I wish each of them well in meeting a man who is ready, willing and able.

As for the future, this is the deal.  I believe that, in the hereafter, those who loved each other in this life will be partners for eternity.  Those who divorced, or never married, will still find a soul mate, somewhere in the spirit world.  There are, however, no third wheels.

What this means in terms of the rest of my life in this world is, if I meet a widow, between the ages of 40-60, who had a loving relationship with her husband, so that HE will be her soul mate in the next life, and she just wants my companionship in this one, it’ll be all well and good- AFTER my year of mourning is over.

Women are a blessing to men, and we ought to return the favour.  Be a blessing, not a burden.

Past as Prologue

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A friend online celebrated cutting ties with what, for her, was a rather abysmal past.  I congratulate anyone who can put an end to pain and suffering. We each deserve more than that.

The exchange led me to thinking about my own past.  Until I was about 30, my autism and chemical dependency were intertwined, so as to make me put forward a rather wretched countenance- so far removed from the little soul who was such a happy and hopeful child, until getting involved in rock fights at age ten led to the head trauma that aggravated my autism and caused so many of my peers to alternately laugh and cringe.

Age 30 brought the Baha’i Faith, abstinence from alcohol and drugs and my soul mate.  She had her own health issues, but they were more or less kept at bay for the first 21 years of our marriage.    Penny had a very positive, productive interest in health.  It bordered on obsession, but if one is to be obsessed with anything, it may as well be that which enhances life.  Someone like myself, used to a “catch-as-catch can” physical regimen, had much to learn from such as she, and learn I did.

When fate intervened, in 2003, and she suffered two head traumas within two weeks’ time, we began to look upon our shared experience as bittersweet.  We kept on with an exercise regimen, through her neurological and physical decline, even in the wheelchair days.  I would get her to the local YMCA or 24 Hour Fitness, two or three days a week.  A kind RN showed me how to lift and lower Penny from wheelchair to car and back, and from wheelchair to exercise machine. Most of the time, it worked.  This added at least a year to her life, I’m sure and we were so happy just getting the physical sustenance.

Then came infection, lesions, cleansing surgery, and rehab hospital.  2010 was like our lost year.  I would substitute teach most days, and be with Penny afterward, until visiting hours ended, usually between 9-10 PM.  Weekends, I was there just about all day.  In November, I brought her home and we had home health care- so that I could keep working and thus contribute to what her disability checks provided.  In December, 2010, the seizures started, and we came up with a deep breathing method of bringing her out of them.  At first, though, we had to go through ER, ICU, The Speech about how a responsible spouse would have her put through a tracheotomy and on a breathing machine. (I ran this by Penny and she turned it down- being confined and isolated in hospital would no longer work for her- or me.)  So, we left the hospital, arranged for a different home health service, due to her increased oxygen needs, and for its attached hospice service- just in case.

Mostly, home health-hospice was supportive, through January and February.  I again heard a Speech, this time about “my duty” to turn her disability checks over to the State of Arizona, so that Penny could be placed in a care home.  She rejected this option, as did I.  That ended all social work assistance to her.  The state’s social service structure, at that time, was abysmally mercenary.  Things are starting to look up in that regard, though too late for my darling wife.

The  staff who helped us, unfortunately, had health crises of their own- right at the time Penny’s bacterial infection flared up again.  We did the best we could to keep it from spreading, but by February 26, 2011, she needed to go back to hospice.  An unfortunate round of pneumonia found its way into her room, and her fight ended on March 5.

Since she left her physical self behind, I have experienced her constant spiritual presence.  Our son has had similar experiences.  He and I are on separate paths- he in the Navy and I wending my way through semi-retirement and on a well-defined path of fiscal and physical self-discipline.  We converge, with her blessing, every so often, most recently for two weeks in December.  I have traveled more, read more books, written more and eaten less. I have made friends, spent less money and been more systematic in my approach to life.  When women have approached me, seeking more than friendship, I have run it by Penny, and the answer so far has been, “She’s not the one.  When I see someone who would be a good companion for you, until we’re together again, you’ll be the first to know.  Just don’t be mean to anyone.”  That’ll work; it’s not in my nature to be mean, even when I have to be aloof in order to protect myself.

Somehow, I think these are things she wanted to see in me, all along.

2012

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This is where I can get very real about 2012, and the period immediately following- up to 2020.

I will try my level best to be on WordPress every day.  Since I missed January 1, there will be two posts today.  That’s okay, since the government and the finance industry are calling this “New Year’s Day”, as well.

Here are the first goals that come to mind, for me as an individual this year:

1.  Restructure my financial portfolio, such as it is.  The first step has already been taken- the nest egg is in good hands.  Next, I’m switching from whole life insurance to a mix of  money ops, one of which is, of course, to make sure my survivors can bury me with dignity when the time comes.  Another is seed money, so that I might actually grow enough capital to pay back the people who are supposedly so egregiously wronged by the short sale of my home.  It may not happen quickly enough to satisfy the government of Arizona, but I believe fair is fair.  Besides, I wasn’t brought up to expect handouts without reciprocation. The rest will go to taking care of things like taking the course I need in order to continue teaching and counseling, and getting my passport- for those times when I might like to visit my fellow humans across an artificial border.

2.  Continue to update my family tree, at least on my father’s side.  I want to get in touch with more cousins during the next three months, and join Ancestry.com, to get further along the history train’s earlier tracks.  My uncle got as far as the 1600’s.

3.  Establish Prescott chapters of ChildHelp USA and Stand for Children.  The first organization cares for abused and neglected children.  The second, works on educational issues.

4.  My faith is very central to my being.  I’ve been told, bye the bye, that my assistance is desired on a higher level.  I will keep my time open, in case that actually turns out to be true.

5.  Those who know me, know that travel, the outdoors and human heritage are all very important to me.  These interests will continue to be honoured in 2012.  I’m hoping a cousin of mine will be in Arizona, later this month, and I will join him in Tucson, if so.  Otherwise, I’ll just boogie on down to Arizona’s First City at the end of the month.  Other places await, as the year unfolds.

Hello, World!

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Prescott, AZ-

I am expanding my presence, just a bit.  I hope to put photos on here, as I do on Xanga, but we’ll check it out and see what may be accomplished.

Word is slow to get out, and I have several Xanga friends who are also here.  Xangans tend to be reticent about comments, as I’m sure many have noticed.  I am quite vocal, when I get to people’s sites.  Usually, I like to encourage free and responsible thought.  If you are an unmitigated troll, though, I will not feel quite so nice.